


The Sweetest Downfall

by sarehawk



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-26
Updated: 2012-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-12 21:59:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 49,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/496091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarehawk/pseuds/sarehawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Merlin pulled the white duvet to his chest and wondered if Freya still existed in the city - the bright of her smile in the twinkling lights of billboard signs, her hidden darkness in winding alleyways. He wondered if he could ever look out at the city without thinking of Freya, and then wondered why he'd ever want to.<i></i></i><br/>Merlin discovers just how hard it is to rebuild a life when he's lost everything after the suicide of his girlfriend Freya. With Morgana and Gwen supporting and pushing him, Merlin begins to confront not only the future but also the past. However the sudden arrival of Arthur and his boyfriend Gwaine shows Merlin a new future, perhaps before he's ready.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PART ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes
> 
> A big big big thanks to my beta, fleete, my cheerleader, mountingsnow, and my artist, oceanaid. As well as the_muppet and paperlegends of course! Find links to both the art and a fanmix/soundtrack at my livejournal. 
> 
> Also, sorry if formatting is a bit off in places, I'm new to this :)

  
_Message received 24th of March at 9:58 pm._

_‘Merlin, answer your fucking phone. I’m tired of talking to your voice machine. I know things are hard right now and I just… I know you’re mad at me, but seriously, pick up your mobile and ring me. I’m under Will, you know, the Will you’ve known since you were fresh out of your mother’s womb. W-I-L-L.’  
_ _  
  
Message received yesterday at 10:34 am._

_‘It’s your mother, Merlin. I know you’re there, probably listening right now. You don’t have to pick up if you don’t want to, but… call me back please, love.’_   
  
  
_Message received today at 7:06 am._

_‘Merlin, it’s Gwen. I’m… I know I’m not a counsellor, or doctor or anything like that, but… I understand grief. I’m not saying that I know what you’re feeling, because I don’t, but… I just, I want you to talk to me. Please. I’m worried about you, Merlin, I’m really, properly frightened. Call me back. I love you, and Morgana loves you. Please just call me.’  
_ _  
_*                                       *                                 *

  
Merlin met Freya at 9:43 on a Saturday. It had been raining, but she’d worn a yellow sundress and had small white flowers in her hair.   
  
His breath had hitched as he took in her damp, dishevelled hair and captivating eyes, and he’d spilt his tea all over the counter. Freya had laughed, and Merlin had blushed to the tips of his ears.   
  
Merlin remembered watching her as she turned away from him, looking bashful. She’d glided her fingers along the wooden shelves of the herbalist store he worked in, picking up sachets of tea and reading the descriptions. He remembers thinking that she should play the piano, with fingers so delicate and fragile.  
  
Finally she’d turned back to him. Her expression had been guarded as she’d looked up from beneath her lashes, her brown eyes obscured.   
  
 _Can you help me?_  she’d asked.   
  
Merlin remembers chanting  _yes yes yes_  in his head, knowing,  _somehow_ , that she was asking for a lot more than herbal tea.   
  
 _Of course_ , he’d said out-loud.

                                                           *                                   *                                 *  
  
There was banging at his door, then a muffled voice.   
  
“Merlin! Open the door this fucking second or so help me God I will call the fire brigade and get them to chop it down!”  
  
Merlin pushed himself off the couch, the cuffs of his pyjama bottoms pooling at his feet as he shuffled towards the front door and opened it.   
  
“You just want an excuse to perve on firemen,” he said tiredly to Morgana.  
  
Morgana’s dark eyebrows pulled together before she schooled her features.   
  
“What part of lesbian don’t you understand?” she asked instead, pushing past him into the apartment.   
  
Merlin shut the door behind her.   
  
“I think it’s the part where you have a fetish for men in uniform.”  
  
Morgana huffed and sat gingerly down on the sofa, pushing the multiple blankets to one side. Merlin sat down next to her.   
  
“You look like shit,” she said bluntly.   
  
“Thanks.”   
  
“Oh don’t give me that self-pity crap. When was the last time you ate?”  
  
Merlin shrugged, and watched as Morgana began to look around his apartment. Her eyebrows pinched together, an expression of distaste on her face. Merlin followed her gaze, taking in the layer of dust building up on exposed surfaces, the mountain of pillows and duvets on the floor, the kitchen that reeked of five-day-old takeout.  
  
Morgana’s gaze flickered to the smashed glass that littered the floor, the overturned photo frames and the stain of red wine on the wall that looked eerily like blood.   
  
“Merlin,” Morgana said gently. It frightened him, because when was Morgana gentle about anything?   
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
She placed her hand on his knee. “You’re not fine… you’re not.”   
  
“Morgana I’m  _fine_.”  
  
Morgana shot up, her long frame filled with a buzzing, urgent energy that was a stark contrast to her previous gentleness, and Merlin was relieved because angry Morgana? Frustrated Morgana? Those were things he could deal with. Those were things he had dealt with. Already she was flicking her dark hair over one shoulder in a gesture so familiar that Merlin no longer had to hold his breath.   
  
“Don’t tell me you’re  _fine_ , because you’re not!” she yelled, throwing her hands up in the air and rotating on the spot. “Look around Merlin, does this look like someone who is  _fine_?”  
  
And that made Merlin’s jaw clench. “How can I be fine when she’s  _not here_?”   
  
Morgana grimaced, and Merlin didn’t like the flash of pity he saw in her eyes. “Maybe you should let us  _help you_!”  
  
Merlin stood up, his body filled with the need to  _run_  because the last thing he wanted was any of their help. They didn’t know her, they didn’t  _want_ … he just wasn’t weak. He wasn’t.   
  
“You’re moving in with me and Gwen,” Morgana continued. “And that’s the end of it.”  
  
“I’m  _not_  moving in with you.”  
  
Morgana ignored him and strode across the living room. Merlin’s heart beat faster in the usual panic that arose whenever he walked too close to that door, but Morgana didn’t hesitate, throwing it open to reveal his, Freya’s,  _their_  bedroom. It was the one room in the house that remained untouched, the sheets still smelling of Freya, and the photos intact. Freya’s black Nirvana t-shirt was still rumpled on the ground, the white dress she used to wear clubbing still hanging by the door. Merlin bit his lip and remembered a time when he’d peeled that dress off her sweaty skin, tracing the contours of her body with his fingers, kissing her collarbone, her exposed navel, and lower, lower, lower as she writhed beneath him.   
  
“Close it.”   
  
Morgana turned to face him.   
  
“Close it!” he roared, his voice cracking from disuse.   
  
“Move in with us,” she insisted. “You can’t even look at your own  _bedroom_!”  
  
Merlin turned away from her, the anger leaking out from his body, leaving nothing but exhaustion. “Just close the door,” he said, his voice quiet. “Close it and then I’ll go with you.”   
  
                                                           *                                    *                                  *  
  
It was dark when Merlin woke, his legs tangled in the white cotton sheets and his mouth dry. He rubbed his eyes, confused, reaching out beside him to try and feel Fre… oh. Merlin sighed and sat up, considering just going back to sleep. But his stomach felt hollow, and he knew that Morgana would come blazing into his room if he didn’t get up.   
  
“I hope you weren’t too hard on him,” Gwen was whispering as Merlin made his way into her kitchen. Gwen was stirring something in a huge pot on the stove, while Morgana sat on the counter next to her, her foot caressing up and down the side of Gwen’s leg.   
  
“I had to be hard,” Morgana replied firmly. “It’s been  _three fucking months_. The time for gentleness is over.”  
  
Merlin coughed and Morgana’s head shot up while Gwen let out a squeak of surprise and nearly dropped the spoon she was holding.

  
“Merlin!” Gwen exclaimed. “Just in time for dinner!”  
  
“Need me to do anything?”   
  
“No no, sit.”   
  
Gwen pulled out a stool for him at the kitchen island and he slumped into it. Merlin traced his finger over the counter while Gwen hovered for an awkward moment, her hand reaching out to touch his shoulder. Merlin smiled tiredly at her as she finally decided to lean down and kiss his cheek.   
  
“We’re only having soup, is that okay for you?” she asked.   
  
Merlin nodded, his eyes flicking to Morgana, whose mouth had settled into a grim line, reminding Merlin of the fact that he hadn’t had a home-cooked meal since he’d made dinner for Freya the night before… Merlin’s breath caught slightly as Gwen turned back to the stove and began to spoon soup into three bowls.   
  
“I called Hunith,” she said softly. “I told her that you’re staying at our house for a while. She’ll probably let Will know too.”   
  
“Ok. That’s ah, that’s good.”   
  
His hands shook slightly as he thought of his mother, alone in Ealdor, desperate for news about him. And maybe he should tell Gwen that it was wrong to call his mother, to contact  _Will_ , but then he thought about his mother’s late night phone calls, her timid questions and his silences in return. He thought about Will’s desperate voicemails, and text messages, and Merlin’s complete inability to reassure his oldest friend that he wasn’t even angry anymore, that he was too tired for it. For everything.   
  
“She was worried about you… said you haven’t been calling or picking up the phone lately.” Gwen’s tone was slightly hesitant, but inquiring. She placed a bowl in front of Merlin and took a seat, trying to catch his eye.    
  
“She’s lucky that he picked up the phone for her at all,” Morgana interrupted, sitting down next to Gwen.    
  
There was an awkward pause as Merlin stared into his soup, feeling the heavy gazes of Gwen and Morgana on him. He picked up his spoon and began to eat, and Gwen and Morgana followed in turn.   
  
“Gaius sent the soup over this morning for you,” Morgana said pointedly. Merlin’s hand tightened on his spoon.   
  
“It’s nice.”  
  
“Hmm.”   
  
The air was heavy with something that Merlin had never experienced before, something like anticipation, and dread, as if all the words that they wanted to say to each other were hovering between them. Merlin knew what Morgana wanted to do – she wanted to yell at him for not calling, for not caring, for not contacting his mother, for not leaving the house. The guilt weighed heavily in his stomach, in his arms and legs and eyelids. It made him tired.   
  
“How did Gaius know I’d be here?”  
  
“I told him,” Gwen said. “We’ve been keeping in contact… quite often, I suppose.”   
  
It was stupid for Merlin to feel a hint of betrayal at that, so he didn’t bother keeping up the conversation. Because maybe Gwen had really overstepped the boundaries by contacting his employer (his  _former employer_  now, Merlin supposed), but Merlin knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it himself – wouldn’t have been able to articulate what happened and why and  _no I can’t come in to work_. Obviously Gwen and Morgana were the go-betweens with his family, friends and mentor, and Merlin couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for them and the thankless task that they had assigned themselves.  
  
Merlin finished his soup slowly, his belly feeling bloated though Gwen kept insisting that he  _should eat more, you’re too skinny Merlin_. He was tired again, so he excused himself to the guest room to get some more sleep, trying to ignore the murmuring behind him.   
  
He’d stayed at Gwen and Morgana’s house before, when he’d been too drunk to wander home, or had stayed over too late watching Doctor Who reruns with Morgana. And Freya’s memory was even here, in this house that belonged to Merlin’s friends. He remembered the time that Freya had come to Gwen and Morgana’s house for dinner. She’d baked cookies, because she’d been in one of her productive moods, and she’d been utterly charming all night, keeping up the conversation and laughing at all Gwen’s jokes. And at the end of the night, when they’d all drunk too much cheap red wine, Merlin and Freya had fallen asleep on the couch as Gwen and Morgana stumbled off to bed. So when Merlin woke to Freya’s exhausted, hopeless eyes the next morning, her whispers of ‘ _I can’t, Merlin’_  and her trembling fingers, he’d taken her home without even so much as a goodbye to his friends.   
  
And Merlin didn’t want to think about the times he’d slept at their house simply to get away from his own. He remembers the look on Morgana’s face every time he came over with no excuse – her eyebrows arched, her lips thinned into a straight line, her hand pushing the hair back off her forehead in an exasperated way. And then finally it would settle on pity just as Gwen would usher him into the living room and onto the couch. It made him feel physically ill, remembering those times, as if that was what he was doing now – running away, forgetting.  _And maybe_ , he thought, _if I just lay in this room and close my eyes I could pretend that Freya was at home, that she was smiling, that nothing had changed_.   
  
The guest room was still dark, the blinds closed and the white duvet and sheets rumpled. His bags sat on the ground next to the closet and Merlin contemplated unpacking the clothes but the bed was too tempting. He slowly settled under the covers, one arm curled beneath his pillow, and closed his eyes. 

  
                                                           *                                    *                                  *  
  
 _“Freya?”_  
 _  
The curtains were pulled closed, the corners of the living room black, the only light an eerie flicker from their TV. Merlin closed the front door behind him and put his keys on the hallway table.  
_ _  
“Freya?” he called again. He’d been late home from work, someone had come in right at closing time and wanted to discuss the properties of different teas, and Merlin hadn’t wanted to be rude to them.  
_ _  
It was quiet in the apartment, Merlin’s breathing audible, the creak of the floorboards beneath him.  
_ _  
He edged into the living room, his hands shaking, to see Freya asleep on the couch, her hair splayed about and her chest rising and falling rhythmically. He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled at her.  
_ _  
She looked young. Merlin had never realised that before – how young both he and Freya were. Sometimes it felt like they were old and tired and that life just kept moving on around them because they were so slow, and other times it felt like they moved faster than everybody, running at a pace that no one could keep up with, marvelling at all the discoveries no one else could see. Some days felt like months and some months felt like days, and it was strange, but Merlin had learnt to accept it.  
_ _  
He settled on the floor next to Freya, stroking back her hair to gaze at her face. Mascara coated her eyelashes and blush stained her cheeks, so Merlin knew it was a good day – a day for things to be done and life to be lived. He noticed the sketches that rested on the table and the beads that were scattered in the carpet and felt a knot of worry unclench in his chest – Freya was creating again, making jewellery and art to sell on her website, getting ready for her art show. It made Merlin happy to see Freya_ wanting _again.  
_ _  
Merlin let out a choked sob that felt like a release. Like he could finally let himself be weak. Freya was sleeping soundly next to him, a small smile playing on her lips as Merlin bowed his head and allowed tears to drip down his nose.  
_ _  
_“Merlin!”  
  
Merlin’s eyes flew open, his chest heaving with the force of his sobs. Gwen was crouching next to the bed, one hand pushing his hair back and the other resting on his chest. Morgana was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed. Tears were leaking from the corners of Merlin’s eyes, trickling down to his pillow.    
  
“It was just a dream,” Gwen murmured.   
  
It hadn’t been a dream; Merlin could remember the day so  _clearly_ , remember what happened afterwards and…  
  
“I know,” he said instead.   
  
“Do you want to tal…”  
  
“No.” Merlin turned over, his back to Morgana and Gwen. “I don’t want to talk.”  
  
He heard Morgana sigh. Gwen put her hand on his back. “Okay.”  
  
                                                           *                                    *                                  *  
  
It was dark outside when Merlin woke again. He turned over in his bed, pulled the duvet over his shoulders, and closed his eyes again.  
  
                                                           *                                    *                                  *  
  
Sometimes Merlin thought that the city was beautiful, full of colour and a buzzing urgency that Merlin found contagious – exciting.  
  
Coming from a small town, the city was everything he’d dreamed of – filled with small dreams and huge hopes that existed in both the small cafés and the huge corporations that made up the culture of the area. And when Merlin and Freya would sit on the roof of their apartment, potted plants littering the area and deckchairs spread out even when the weather was cold and biting, they would look out over their city and feel  _alive_  – like they were connected to the very buildings, drawn out by the gentle yellow of the sunrise through the hazy smog, awoken by the first birdcall and the beep of a car. And then Merlin and Freya would hold hands, or sometimes even more – Merlin sliding onto Freya’s chair, pushing away her hair and kissing the side of her neck, then her lips before they removed each other’s clothing, warmed by the sun on their backs and the red flush of embarrassment at the thought of being caught by a neighbour. But they never rushed, no, Merlin never rushed with Freya. And on the rooftop they felt connected to everything and nothing and sometimes that was enough.   
  
Merlin pulled the white duvet to his chest, looking out the window of Gwen and Morgana’s apartment, and wondered if Freya still existed in the city – the bright of her smile in the twinkling lights of billboard signs, her hidden darkness in winding alleyways. Merlin wondered if he could ever look out at the city without thinking of Freya, and then wondered why he’d ever  _want_  to.   
  
A knock on the door urged away his musings.   
  
“Merlin?” came Gwen’s hesitant voice.   
  
Merlin turned around and watched as Gwen and Morgana shuffled into the room, Gwen’s arm around Morgana’s waist.  
  
“It’s been two weeks.”   
  
Merlin sighed.   
  
“You’ve done nothing but sleep,” Gwen said softly.   
  
Morgana snorted.   
  
“I’ve been tired,” he replied.   
  
Morgana shrugged off Gwen’s arm and stalked over to the bed.   
  
“I’m not going to let you sleep your life away!” she snapped, ripping the duvet off of Merlin, who yelled out and attempted to maintain a shred of modesty in only his underwear.    
  
“I didn’t know you were so eager to see me naked!”   
  
“You have two choices,” she said viciously, “either you go and voluntarily get in the shower because you smell like a stable after 10 horses have shat in it, or you can make me forcibly haul you into the shower – and trust me, I am not keen to see you naked.”   
  
Gwen looked amused but still slightly worried, and Merlin sighed as Morgana snuck a cheeky grin at her.   
  
“Fine.”   
  
“Good.”   
  
“Now?”  
  
“ _Yes_  Merlin,” Gwen said, grabbing his arm and hauling him out of bed.   
  
Merlin refused to admit when he walked back into the bedroom that he did feel a little bit better after his shower, his hair flopping into his eyes and a towel wrapped around his waist. The bed had been made and the sheets obviously changed. His bags lay on the bed while Morgana and Gwen chatted in the corner of the room.   
  
“Much better,” Morgana said quietly, “but you need a haircut and shave, desperately.”  
  
“Tomorrow,” Merlin said, his mind flicking to  _Freya’s lips trailing down his cheek, her laughter (‘You’ll give me a rash Merlin!’)_.  
  
“Right, get dressed and then we’ll help you unpack?” Gwen asked.   
  
Merlin nodded dully.   
  
The girls closed the door gently behind them as Merlin opened the first suitcase. His shirts were nearly spilling out of the bag, and Merlin rubbed his eyes ( _on good days, Freya liked him in bright red and blues, rolled up sleeves and sunglasses and easy smiles, on bad days she liked messy hair, brown or black button up shirts, loose pants to match her own dishevelled appearance_ ).  Merlin pulled out all his shirts and pants and started folding them into a neater pile on his bed, but he stopped when he pulled out a simple black t-shirt. His sudden intake of breath made him choke, his eyes watering as he coughed.   
  
“You okay?” someone yelled from the other side of the door.   
  
 _Freya’s grin was wide as she held out a shirt.  
_ _  
“I am_ definitely _getting this one!” she laughed. Her eyes were mischievous as she handed him the shirt and grabbed a smaller one for herself. “You nearly wet yourself watching that episode.”  
_ _  
Merlin held it up in front of him, barking out a laugh at the printed statement, ‘Don’t Blink’, and the picture of a Weeping Angel with covered eyes.  
_ _  
“I did not!”  
_ _  
The angel was delicate looking, beautiful, fragile. He remembers watching the Doctor Who episode with Freya, their house dark, Freya curled up against his side, cups of tea in their hands. He remembers how scalding the tea had been when they’d both jumped at the moving statues. Freya had laughed after the episode finished._ How could something so beautiful be so frightening? _she’d asked.  
_ _  
Freya leaned close to the store manager, whispering conspiratorially. “We had to leave the lights in the house on for a week after the episode, Merlin here was such a wuss.”  
_ _  
Merlin rolled his eyes as the guy laughed and Freya payed for their shirts.  
_ _  
_His hands were twisted in the black material, his knuckles white. Gentle hands eased his fingers off.  
  
“It’s okay, Merlin,” Morgana was saying in his ear.   
  
Gwen was already picking a pair of dark blue jeans from the pile, and a plain red t-shirt. Neutral.   
  
She picked up some boxers and pushed all three items into his waiting hands.   
  
“Those ones, go on,” she urged as she and Morgana turned their backs.   
  
Merlin changed quickly, trying to ignore the racing of his heart.  _They’re just clothes, pieces of material. You can’t even pick your own clothing.  
_ _  
_Morgana was pulling him out of the room, while Gwen put his clothes back in his bags and picked them up.  
  
“We’re going to sort through your stuff, Merlin, and by the end of it we’ll have two piles, clothes that you don’t want to wear, and clothes that are fine, that are neutral. You just have to tell us which is which.” Gwen explained.   
  
They lay out in the living room, the couch pushed back and music blaring from the TV. Gwen opened up his bags as Merlin gripped Morgana’s hand. He felt young, silly, like he was a child afraid of the dark, or monsters under his bed.  
  
( _Her hands twisting in the fabric, her back against the wall as he ground against her, the blaring of music ringing in their ears and the taste of vodka on their tongues… ‘I made this shirt for you Merlin, wear it out tonight for me?’… Freya’s hands deftly wrapping the blue scarf around his neck, ‘It’s cold out tonight, be careful.’ His smile as she tugged on it, bringing him down for a kiss._ )  
  
They got through it quickly, the pile of clothing that reminded him of Freya a little bit smaller than the clothes that were ordinary, that had little association with her. Merlin didn’t want to think about the house, or their items, or  _Freya’s_  clothes. He didn’t want to think about anything.   
  
When they were finished, Morgana wrapped a blanket around him and pulled him onto the couch. Gwen curled up next to Morgana, their hands clasped as Morgana pulled Merlin closer to her, kissing his temple. The TV blared in the background.  
  
                                                          *                                    *                                  *  
  
“What if we’re not doing it right?” Morgana was whispering as he slowly woke. It was dark, the only light coming from the flickering commercials on TV. Merlin was lying with his head in Morgana’s lap, her hand stroking back his hair. He closed his eyes.  
  
“Love…” Gwen murmured.   
  
Morgana sniffled, and Merlin felt her breath hitch from where the side of his head rested on her stomach.   
  
“We have no idea what we’re doing.”  
  
“Neither does he.”  
  
“What if we fuck him up, Gwen, what if it’s wrong to hide Freya away for a while?”   
  
Merlin felt the tremble of Morgana’s hands as they carded through his hair. Gwen shifted on the couch, closer, and he heard an indrawn breath and then the sound of their lips moving together.   
  
“We can only hope,” Gwen said after a while. “And maybe we shouldn’t hide Freya away, maybe we’re wrong, but how can it be so wrong if it gives Merlin a bit of respite, for a little while?”  
  
Morgana sniffled, and lent her head down. Merlin felt tears splatter against his cheek, Morgana’s hair tickling his neck.   
  
“I miss him.”  
  
“I know, love.”  
  
“He used to be so… strong. I’m not used to being the strong one.”  
  
“Look at me,” Gwen said firmly. Merlin felt Morgana straighten her back, shifting to face Gwen better. “You have always,  _always_ , been strong, Morgana.”   
  
“I’ve always acted strong, but Merlin  _knew_  I wasn’t. He knew I could yell and rant and rave about injustice, and my father, and the  _world_  but behind all that I was a frightened little girl. So he took my hand and showed me that being gay wasn’t anything at all to be afraid of. He just, he… he was so fucking  _good_. And things  _never_  got him down. And he was always my pillar of strength…”  
  
“And now you have to be his,” Gwen said gently. “Now  _we_  have to be his, and that’s okay Morgana, that’s how it’s meant to be.”  
  
“I’m just frightened,” Morgana whispered. “I don’t want to hurt him.”  
  
“Love him and you won’t. Love him and support him and he’ll be all right. He’ll be okay.”   
  
Merlin ignored the tears slipping down his own cheeks, ignored the ache in his chest, and turned so that he faced Morgana’s stomach. The girls fell silent as Merlin shuffled closer, nuzzling like a child, and Morgana put her arm around him.   
  
                                                          *                                    *                                  *  
  
 _“Freya?” Merlin whispered, opening the door and peering into the darkness. “It’s time to get up, love. I’ve made breakfast.”  
_ _  
There was no answer, so Merlin shuffled into the room and perched on the side of the bed, next to the curled lump of Freya.  
_ _  
“Go away,” she murmured into the duvet.  
_ _  
“Freya…”  
_ _  
“Merlin, just fucking go away!”  
_ _  
Merlin heard a hitching breath and Freya curled in tighter. He lay his hand on the side of her head, pushing a strand of dark hair behind her ear.  
_ _  
“Is it a bad day today?”  
_ _  
“I can’t get up, Merlin, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…”  
_ _  
“Shhh, it’s okay.”  
_ _  
Merlin hung his head over the listless Freya, his fingers curled around her arms. He wished it were a day for yellow – yellow sundresses, and yellow flowers, and dancing, and light even when it was raining, or happiness even when there was nothing to be happy about. He wished it were a day for white – white shirts and blue shorts, sand and waves crashing, throwing their heads back and laughing, sea salt on their tongues and sea weed in their hair. He even wished it were a day of black – Nirvana blaring through the speakers, or the Smiths, the same lyrics repeated over and over, ‘to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die’, sweating concerts and beats echoing through the body and feeling – despair, hopelessness, sadness, fear, anger, anger, anger._ _Anything but grey. Grey sweatpants and grey faces and a nothingness so deep that it was impossible to do anything but lie down and cry in an effort to rid yourself of the absence of feeling.  
_ _  
“I’ve got to get ready for work,” he murmured to her.  
_ _  
Freya nodded and Merlin kissed her cheek.  
_ _  
_*                                    *                                  *  
  
There were 37 voicemails and 48 text messages on his phone when Merlin finally charged the battery enough to turn it on.  
  
Some were simple, a text from his mum late at night: 'thinking of you xoxo', and some were complicated, a voicemail: 'Merlin, it's Gaius; I've had to hire an assistant while you’re away. You haven't responded to my calls, and I’m worried, son. Your job… well, it's still here for you, but in the mean time I have someone in, so don't worry too much. Please call me.'  
  
And then some voicemails made Merlin cry, his duvet wrapped tight around him and the phone pressed hard against his ear. He only listened to those late at night, when Morgana and Gwen had retreated to their own room, smiling, fingers entwined in a way that made Merlin’s chest hurt. The sound of Freya’s mum crying, soft hitching breaths and long sniffles before she ended the call with a strangled ‘sorry’. Will’s apologies for an argument that Merlin tried desperately to forget, his begging that finally morphed into dejection, then anger. One of his old neighbours offering to have Merlin round for tea, who ended the message with ‘ _Freya was a lovely, lovely girl. She used to come round sometimes, when I was looking after my grandson. She used to love to play with him. He asks about her sometimes._ ’   
  
He also grew frustrated by the sheer amount of platitudes – the ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ speeches, and the useless flowers that were somehow still arriving, even at Morgana and Gwen’s. Merlin didn’t realize how many people they  _knew_  – neighbours, bouncers at clubs, baristas and coffee shop owners and school friends, and sometimes Merlin was happy that Freya was held in the memory of so many people, and other times he wanted to cry because no one knew Freya like he did. All their memories were incomplete. No one but him knew the  _whole_  Freya. It wasn’t fair.  
  
And sometimes Gwen and Morgana would look at him, like they were seeing the ghost of her next to him, like they were seeing a ghost of  _him_. And when Merlin was feeling spiteful he  _wished_  they knew how he felt – how it felt to have something so delicate and complicated shatter apart so quickly, while you stood there, watching it be destroyed. And he couldn’t even be angry, because then he’d have to be angry with  _her_  and how could he live with the guilt of that? It was a cycle, and when Merlin looked at Morgana and Gwen sometimes he wished they could feel it too. And the guilt of  _that_  dragged him down until all he could do was close his eyes and pretend that it could all go away.     
  
He started making lists instead, because sometime he couldn’t bear the fact that there was an entire day ahead of him. Some days the list would be followed meticulously. 

  1. _Get up at 10am_
  2. _Have a shower_
  3. _Get dressed_
  4. _Have breakfast_
  5. _Wash dishes_



And on and on it went until it was time to go back to bed and Merlin could think and dream about her until his alarm blared at 10am again, but this time he would roll over and pretend that he couldn’t hear it, because there were too many hours in the day and the thought of having to fill them all was exhausting.  
  
                                                          *                                   *                                 *  
  
“Can we paint my room today?” Merlin asked Morgana, whose long hair was falling over the couch armrest where she lay her head. Morgana sat up, looking puzzled.   
  
“What?”   
  
“I mean, it’s your house, but could I possibly paint my room?”  
  
Morgana frowned. “What’s wrong with it?”   
  
‘It’s just… it’s  _really_  white.” Merlin didn’t really understand it himself, but he couldn’t quite look at the bare walls without feeling as though he’d been sucked into some strange reality: white walls, white sheets, white duvets. Like everything was clean and pure when it wasn’t. It felt like a lie.   
  
Morgana got a strange, hopeful look in her eye that quickly melted into one of mischievousness. “Okay!”   
  
“Really?”   
  
“Sure, we can surprise Gwen,” she said with a smirk.   
  
Merlin hesitated long enough to make Morgana laugh. “Maybe it’s not such a good idea…”   
  
A trip to the local hardware store and an hour and a half of moving furniture, laying down sheets and taping up the windowsills and skirting boards meant that Morgana and Merlin could start painting.   
  
“Should you be working?” Merlin asked, pulling on an old painters shirt.  
  
Morgana shrugged. “I’ve got terrible writer’s block at the minute. My book’s going nowhere.”   
  
Merlin remembered how ecstatic she’d been when her first book had been published, and then every subsequent book after. Her books and her freelance writing for magazines were both pretty popular, and it made Merlin happy to see her successful.   
  
“It’ll pass though,” she continued. “It always does.”   
  
Merlin nodded, opening the paint tin in front of him and smiling at the soft green colour.   
  
“I still think we should have gone with hot pink,” Morgana commented, opening another tin.   
  
Four hours and two coats of paint later Gwen arrived home to see two very sweaty people standing sheepishly in Merlin’s room. Merlin felt strangely nervous, wondering if he’d done the wrong thing and worried about the challenging, excited look in Morgana’s eyes. Gwen’s mouth opened and closed for a few seconds, then she shut her eyes and took a deep breath.   
  
“You’ll have to sleep on the couch for a few days until the smell goes away,” she said to Merlin.  
  
“Sure,” he replied hesitantly, glancing at the disappointed expression on Morganas face, who stalked past Gwen and into the hallway, muttering about ‘terrible reactions’.   
  
Gwen smirked. “It looks really nice,” she whispered hurriedly. “Don’t tell Morgana I said that.”   
  
Merlin smiled gently back at her, then looked around the room, satisfied. It felt a little bit more like his – warmer, and gentler, and calmer and… like Freya, he supposed. It felt a little bit like Freya. 

  
                                                          *                                   *                                 *  
  
“So not too many herbs,” Gwen instructed, throwing a pinch of thyme into the pot that sat on the stovetop. “You don’t want to be picking green leaves out of your teeth all night.”   
  
Merlin nodded, tapping the bench to the beat of the music that was blaring from the portable speakers.  
  
Gwen grinned at him and turned the song up, Nina Simone’s voice echoing through the kitchen. Merlin smiled and stirred the stew that was boiling in the pot as Gwen danced around the kitchen.   
  
“I said rock! What’s the matter with you rock? Don’t you see I need you rock?” she belted out.  
  
Merlin grinned, picking up the salt and shaking it into the pot.   
  
 _Freya’s dress span around her, red with white dots, “It’s_ 50s _Merlin! I’m a proper housewife! Look I even baked!”  
_ _  
Merlin laughed, taking in the flour in Freya’s hair, across her face, on the bottom of her skirt, and all over the floor.  
_ _  
“Except you’re not my wife yet, and you_ hate _baking!” he said with a smile.  
_ _  
He grabbed Freya around the waist, pulling her body until it was flush against his, flour coating his blue shirt. Freya threw her head back and laughed.  
_ _  
“Today I_ like _it!” She looked up at him through her eyelashes. “And all you have to do is_ propose _,” she said with a smile and a wink.  
_ _  
Merlin grinned, grabbing Freya’s hand and spinning her out, her dress flowing around her. She laughed as the song changed to ‘God Only Knows’ and Merlin pulled her close, swaying gently.  
_ _  
“You got flour on me,” he whispered.  
_ _  
Freya curled her hand around the back of his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.  
_ _  
“It tastes better on you than in the cake,” she replied.  
_ _  
_“So I run to the river, it was bleeding! I run to the sea, it was bleeding!” Gwen’s voice rang out, joined quickly by Morgana’s, who’d slid into the kitchen wearing pyjama shorts and long fluffy socks.  
  
“So I run to the Lord, please  _hide_  me Lord! Don’t you see me praying? Don’t you see me down here praying?” Morgana had her head thrown back dramatically, her arms out.   
  
“Aren’t you an atheist?” Merlin pointed out loudly.   
  
Morgana grinned, spinning to Gwen and picking her up. Gwen threw her arms around Morgana’s neck, her legs gripping around Morgana’s waist and crossing behind her back. She laughed as Morgana blatantly felt her bum.   
  
“It’s catchy!” Morgana replied.   
  
“I cried, power!” Gwen sang, throwing a fist up in the air. Morgana dropped her to the ground and they started to tango dramatically, Gwen’s apron coming loose when Morgana dipped her.   
  
Merlin laughed, throwing his head back as he stirred in time to the music and tapped his foot along. Gwen and Morgana held completely still for a second, but then continued to skip and dance along the kitchen floor.  
  
When the song turned to a lengthy instrumental section Gwen turned it down, out of breath and grinning.    
  
“So, what are you making?” Morgana asked, shuffling over.  
  
“Chicken stew,” Gwen replied. “One of my dad’s old recipes. All you need is barbeque chicken, herbs, carrots, any other vegetables of choice and Campbell’s good old ‘cream of chicken’.”   
  
“Ew,” Morgana murmured, looking in the pot.  
  
“But it tastes so good.” Gwen smirked.    
  
Morgana shrugged at her girlfriend and then turned to Merlin. “How was your first cooking lesson?”  
  
Merlin smiled at her, remembering both her and Gwen’s surprise when Merlin had added one more thing to his list today, after three days of doing nothing but hiding in his newly-painted room.  
  
 _8\. Learn a new recipe  
  
_ He’d shown the list to them in a silent question and Gwen’s smile had been watery and some of the tension in Morgana’s shoulders had eased. Merlin hadn’t realised the amount of  _pressure_  they felt until that moment.  
  
“I do know how to cook Morgana,” he replied to her, stirring the stew some more. “I’m not completely incompetent. But I like learning new recipes.”   
  
Morgana just grinned, hopping over to Merlin and giving him a kiss on the cheek.   
  
“Yuck,” Merlin said, pretending to wipe his cheek but instead hiding his smile while Gwen laughed.   
  
Later that night, after a jovial dinner and Morgana’s admitting that ‘ _alright, the stew was nice. Happy?_ ’, Merlin shuffled past Morgana and Gwen’s room, a glass of water in his hand and a blanket around his shoulders. He hadn’t meant to overhear anything, so the sound of them arguing after a seemingly happy night came as a shock.   
  
“… we’re running out!” Morgana was shouting.   
  
There was the sound of a drawer slamming, and Gwen moving around the room. “Christ Morgana! There’s not much more _I_  can do!”   
  
“Are you accusing me?”   
  
Their voices were getting louder, and Merlin started shaking.   
  
“Maybe I am! If you’re so worried then you can get another fucking job!” Gwen shouted. Merlin’s eyes were wide. He didn’t like hearing Gwen angry, hearing her swear.  
  
“What? You think I sit around doing nothing? I spend all day working on the novels and articles that pay for this apartment!”   
  
“No, you paint rooms and watch TV with Merlin while I pay for everything else!”   
  
He heard someone sigh, the rustling sound of clothes being folded before another drawer was slammed.   
  
“Gwen…”   
  
The sound of sniffling.   
  
“Gwen I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s just… It’s harder than I thought, this… this situation. And you’re right, we’re going to run out of money if we’re not careful. The mortgage, the electricity, phone and water bills, petrol, the food shopping. Groceries cost nearly 30 pounds more a week now that Merlin’s here. And do you know how much  _toothpaste_  costs? I’m spending so much time at the bakery, trying to earn enough money that I’m almost running it now! And I love my job, I do, but I feel like I haven’t  _seen_  you in a year, and don’t get me started talking about our lack of a sex life! And now Merlin… I just, I haven’t  _been_  here for him. I’ve known him for just as long as you have, and maybe it’s stupid but I’m jealous that you get to see him so much more than I do. Tonight, when we were cooking, it just felt so  _normal_. And I felt like things were starting to look better. He  _laughed_ , Morgana.”   
  
Morgana’s voice was closer to Gwen’s when she said. “I know he did, love.” There was a long silence, and Merlin took a deep, steady breath, trying to control his emotions. His guilt.    
  
“What are we going to do?” Gwen murmured, her voice muffled in what was presumably Morgana’s embrace. “I spend so much time at work, and it’s just… it’s not enough.”  
  
Merlin’s eyes were wet, the glass of water trembling in his hands.   
  
 _“I have to work Freya! Who do you think pays for everything?”  
_ _  
“I have my jewellery business, Merlin, I don’t sit around and do nothing! Don’t act as though you’re my carer! I’m not a child!”  
_ _  
“Because your little online store is going to pay the bills?” he snapped in reply.  
_ _  
Freya’s expression melted into one of hurt, and Merlin shuffled his feet guiltily.  
_ _  
“I have to go to work Freya, I’m sorry.”  
_ _  
_Morgana’s voice shook him out of his memory. “I just... I can’t ask Uther or... or Arthur for money, you know that Gwen. But I’ll ask for the advance on my novel a bit earlier. Pick up some more articles. How about an ‘Ask Morgana’ column?” Gwen laughed shakily, and there was a pause. “It’ll be alright Gwen, you’ll see. I love you, okay?”  
  
Gwen laughed, her voice all choked up. “Love you too.”   
  
 _Freya stopped him by the door, her hand on his arm.  
_ _  
“You’re right, you can’t stay home with me all the time,” she whispered.  
_ _  
Merlin clenched his eyes shut, not allowing the tears to fall. “I would if I could, Freya. You know that.”  
_ _  
She kissed his cheek, and he could feel her body trembling. “Love you, Merlin.”_   


	2. PART TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

Merlin was more determined after that. He started adding new things to his list:

  1.  _Get up at 10am_
  2. _Have a shower_
  3. _Get dressed_
  4. _Have breakfast_
  5. _Wash dishes_
  6. _GO OUTSIDE_



_  
_Stepping outside the apartment felt… like a relief, he supposed, like a breath of fresh air. He walked slowly around the block, no music, listening to the sounds of the busy city. The rush of people in suits and sneakers, mothers holding crying babies and looking at people with barely-veiled suspicion, the swooping of birds, the steady hum of cars, the water rushing in gutters, the shopkeepers yelling at their staff and the smell of cigarettes. Merlin hadn’t realized how much he missed it until he was immersed back in everyday life.  
  
Sometimes it was too much, and Merlin was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people who never knew Freya, whose lives were not impacted in any way by her. He was constantly surprised that the world continued on as if nothing had changed.   
  
A week after Merlin started venturing outside he ran into Glen, an old bartender who used to work at a club Merlin and Freya had frequently found themselves in on Saturday nights, back when they were a new couple. Glen had shaken Merlin’s hand, commented on how good he looked after all this time ( _I can’t believe it’s been three years!_ ) and innocently asked  _how’s Freya doing mate_? It left Merlin so choked up that all he could do was splutter ‘sorry’ and run back to the safety of Gwen and Morgana’s house, his fringe stuck to his forehead and the back of his neck dripping with sweat. Another outing found Merlin automatically venturing to a park that he and Freya often visited ( _her hair tied back and her short, flowery dress muddy, her smile lighting up as she sat down on the ground and began to sketch – Merlin’s hands, and the flowers that grew at the base of a sprawling oak tree, and the children’s grins as they slid down the slide into the waiting arms of their mothe_ r). Merlin had cried so much in that park that he’d had to ring Morgana and ask her to come and get him, too exhausted to contemplate walking back to their apartment. He visited the park more regularly now, sitting on the swings and under the oak tree, happy that he could last there for five minutes without feeling on the edge of a panic attack.  
  
And then there were happier moments too – when he went and visited Gwen in the little café/bakery she worked at called ‘Afternoon Delights’ (which had always made them laugh, as the elderly owners had no idea what  _exactly_  they had called their shop). Gwen’s smile had been so huge that Merlin had been worried about the state of her cheeks. He’d sat all afternoon, being filled with cake after cake, until Gwen closed up the shop and drove them both home. Or when he and Morgana went shopping and were stopped by an elderly woman who told them that they made an ‘exquisitely beautiful couple’ and that their future children would be ' _gorgeous_ ’. Morgana had wrapped an arm around Merlin’s waist, pulling him into her side, and replied with, ‘with my loins and his seasoning, nothing could go wrong’. Merlin had laughed so hard that the orange juice he had been drinking snorted out of his nose.   
  
Things felt strangely… calm, for Merlin. Like he was getting back to ordinary. He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad calm, and some days he could barely get out of bed while others he felt relatively normal, but he’d take it. He could take it.  
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
Merlin stared down at his phone, the old picture of him and Will (arms slung around each other and grinning) still the background.   
  
He knew the number off by heart. 7159 0682. Simple, easy. It’s the number that his mother used to write on his hand in permanent marker until about the age of 10, when he could be trusted to remember it. It’s the number he rang when he and Will got stranded at a bar with no ride, no money and slightly tipsy. It’s the number he rang when Freya had a bad day, his words choked as his mother whispered _it’s okay Merlin, she’ll be okay_. Merlin hated that his mother had lied to him.   
  
He took a deep breath.   
  
 _7159 0682  
  
_ It rang once, twice.   
  
“Hello?”   
  
Merlin took another shuddering breath.   
  
“Hi Mum.”   
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
It was dark in Merlin’s room again – the blinds pulled down to keep out the afternoon sun, the lights off, the duvet over his head. Merlin couldn’t stop shaking.   
  
He heard his door inch open, a slight creak with each movement.   
  
“Merlin?” Morgana asked.   
  
Merlin closed his eyes, but Morgana still walked in the room, not turning on the lights or touching anything. Instead he heard the rustle as she shrugged off some item of clothing. Merlin opened his eyes and turned to face her, watching as she removed her cardigan.   
  
“Hey,” she whispered.   
  
Merlin blinked, not noticing the tears that had built up behind his eyes. “Hey,” he returned.   
  
Morgana looked sad as she slid into bed next to him, bringing the duvet up over her shoulders. Merlin turned to face her. He could see her dark eyelashes, the freckles that dotted over her nose and cheeks, and even the pimple she had been complaining loudly about this morning on her forehead. She wasn’t wearing make up – she rarely did, but Merlin thought she was stunning without it, just like Gwen. Sometimes Merlin thought he was cursed with being surrounded by beautiful women. He remembered Freya’s own dark eyelashes, her eyes a brown colour that shifted between golden and hazel. He remembered the way her hair curled behind her ear, the way her nose sloped so elegantly, and the way her blush spread across her cheeks and down her neck.   
  
“You alright?” Morgana whispered, her hand coming up to brush back his fringe in a gesture so similar to Gwen’s it made his breath catch.   
  
“Mum wasn’t angry at me… for not calling,” he said, looking away.   
  
“Of course she wasn’t Merlin.”  
  
“It would have been better if she was, if she’d yelled or something. Instead she cried and apologised. It was a short conversation.”  
  
Morgana sighed. “She lost her husband Merlin. She just… she knows how it feels.”  
  
Merlin closed his eyes tightly. “I don’t want to think about it anymore,” he whispered.   
  
But still the conversation he had with his mother repeated in his head, over and over.   
  
 _“Merlin.” Her voice was a reverent whisper, and Merlin closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions that enveloped him – comfort, fear, nostalgia, anger. Anger at his mother, and Gwen, and Morgana – at their caution against Freya, at their concern for him. It was all too complicated.  
_ _  
“How have you been?”  
_ _  
His mother sighed, “I’ve been keeping busy with book club, working, that sort of thing.” There was an awkward pause. “You’re with Gwen and Morgana then?”  
_ _  
“How long were they planning this?”  
_ _  
“They called me a few weeks before they picked you up. They were concerned Merlin, and I can’t… I can’t afford the plane trip right now I’m so sorry Merlin, I should be there for you, I should. They’ve been keeping me updated.”  
_ _  
“I’d wondered why you stopped calling.”  
_ _  
“I didn’t want to add to the… pressure.”  
_ _  
“I’m feeling fine Mum.”  
_ _  
“You’re falling apart.” He could hear the tears in her voice, in the sniffles that she tried to hide.  
_ _  
“I’m not_ falling apart… _”  
_ _  
“Gwen told me that you still aren’t answering anyone’s calls, and Morgana said that you haven’t gone back to work yet, and that your house is an absolute mess, and…”  
_ _  
“Freya committed suicide, Mum,” Merlin said. His breath was coming in sharp gasps, and his eyes were clenched closed tightly. “You can’t blame me for having a messy house.”  
_ _  
“NO! No I wasn’t, I promise Merlin, I’m not blaming you for anything, I didn’t mean that! I’m so sorry. I just, I’m worried for you, love.”  
_ _  
“I’m fine.”  
_ _  
“Merlin…”  
_ _  
“Tell Will I’m fine as well, could you?”  
_ _  
He heard his mother sigh. “You should call him yourself Merlin.”  
_ _  
“Please.” It was the only point in the conversation that his voice had gotten desperate, pleading. He couldn’t talk to Will yet, couldn’t take Will’s bluntness and inability to_ understand _.  
_ _  
“Fine,” his mother said.  
_ _  
“I’m going to go now Mum, I just… I should help Morgana with the… uh.”  
_ _  
“Okay Merlin,” his mother whispered. “I just… I love you, okay?”  
_ _  
Merlin’s breath hitched. “Love you too.”  
_ _  
_“Merlin?”  
  
Morgana’s hand rested on his cheek.   
  
“I’m tired Morgana, can we just go to sleep?”   
  
She nodded, pulling the duvet up above both of them as Merlin closed his eyes.   
  
Later, barely aware of what was going on around him, Merlin heard his bedroom door open and Gwen sigh. Then came the rustling of a jacket and the thud as shoes hit the floor. The bed covers moved as Gwen slowly slid into the bed next to Morgana, her arm stretching over her lover’s body in order to rest her hand gently on Merlin’s side, as if to protect him.  
  
The three of them woke the next morning, entangled, Morgana waggling her eyebrows and saying ‘ _…I’m telling everybody we had a kinky threesome_ ’ while Gwen picked out a shirt for Merlin to wear. It was strange, Merlin thought, but it was family.  
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
But then, like in all families, the fights began.   
  
It was small things at first – Merlin didn’t wash the dishes properly so there were no clean ones the next day, causing Gwen to yell at him until Morgana pulled her out of the room. Then Gwen accidentally washed a blue sock in with the white clothing, turning all their things blue, which had Morgana giving Gwen the silent treatment for two days. And then finally Gwen and Merlin had an argument with Morgana about her scathing treatment of a pizza delivery guy who was 15 minutes later then he said he would be.   
  
Freya was on his mind constantly. He’d be doing little things like making popcorn, and remember Freya’s laugh when he’d jumped so high watching a horror movie that the popcorn had flown up in the air and then rained back down on them, or he’d remember the taste of the buttery salt on their tongues as he kissed Freya in the back of a cinema, and have to throw the remainder of the popcorn out.   
  
He started going out for walks more – late at night, when Gwen and Morgana were already in bed. He frightened them the first time he did it, Morgana’s ‘ _we thought something had happened Merlin! We didn’t know where the fuck you were! You could have… you could have died or something, and we… we wouldn’t have known,_ ’ still ringing in his ears, an accusation every time he left the house at 11 and didn’t come back until 2am, knowing that Gwen and Morgana were losing sleep, anxiously waiting for him to get back.  
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
“Did you want to come help out at the bakery today?” Gwen asked, wringing her hands. “Or maybe we could go and see Gaius?”  
  
“No thanks,” Merlin murmured, turning back over in his bed, his eyes catching the date and time on the clock sitting on his bedside table.  
  
8:38am, June 18th. It had been seven months exactly, since Freya died.  
  
Merlin closed his eyes.    
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
The air was cool on his face as he walked around the block, his eyes half closed against the wind. His scarf was wrapped up as high as he could get it, but the tips of his ears and nose were numb as he walked slowly, not thinking about anything except the immediate – the breeze, the oil on the road, the neon sign up ahead and the fact that his apartment, his and  _Freya’s_  apartment, was no more than 15 minutes away.   
  
Merlin closed his eyes, halting his walk, and took a deep breath. The night air was crisp, and Merlin wondered why it was never so fresh during the daylight – why the city wasn’t as beautiful when you could see the dark corners and twisting alleys and why it wasn’t as beautiful as when Freya had been in it, walking beside him, complaining about the cold and  _why did you let me wear this out, Merlin?  
_ _  
_He kept walking though, getting closer to their apartment, pretending that Freya was waiting there for him, ready to go out clubbing, her hair pulled into the side ponytail that she’d enjoyed wearing when they first started dating.  
  
He stopped again.   
  
 _But she isn’t_ , Merlin thought to himself.  _She isn’t there_.   
  
He took another deep breath, and turned around, walking back towards Morgana and Gwen’s apartment.   
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
“It’s getting ridiculous now,” Morgana was saying to Gwen as Merlin walked into the kitchen. They were sitting at the dining table, their postures tense but their faces tired. It was 1am and Merlin had returned from his late night walk expecting Gwen and Morgana to be in bed. Merlin grew tense as both girls spun to face him.  
  
“Sit down.”  
  
Merlin automatically made his way over and sat down opposite them. He was fidgeting, clasping his finger together then tapping on the table. Gwen reached out and placed her hands on top of his, and he relaxed.   
  
“It’s time to stop this now, Merlin,” she said gently.   
  
“Stop what?”   
  
“You’re not stupid Merlin, so don’t act like you are.” Gwen’s voice was sharper than it had been in a while.   
  
“You mean the walks.”  
  
“Not just the walks,” Morgana said quietly. “The… the excuses, the dejection, the… apathy. You’re not pushing yourself, Merlin.”  
  
“I’m trying as hard as I can!” His fists were clenched on the table, his face growing hotter with anger and something that felt like fear… fear and embarrassment and even more anger. “I’ve been happier!”  
  
“You haven’t been happier, you’ve been better at pretending to be happier. You don’t think I know the difference between my best friend’s genuine, belly laughter and his tired, reluctant one? I  _know_  you, Merlin.”   
  
Merlin stood up, his body vibrating with an energy that he hadn’t mustered up in  _weeks_. “No you  _don’t_  know me!” he yelled. “You don’t have a goddamn clue!”   
  
“Don’t be a fucking victim Merlin!” Morgana screeched, standing up as well. Gwen was shaking, her hands trembling by her sides.   
  
“A…  _victim_?”  
  
“I didn’t mean… I just… I just want you to  _try_  Merlin.  _Try_.”  
  
“I am trying!” Merlin was  _angry_  and it felt like he’d been pulled out of a haze. He felt fiery, and  _alive_. “I’ve been walking to see Gwen in the bakery, I’ve been going to the park, I’ve been… I don’t stay at home anymore!”   
  
“Merlin…” Gwen’s voice was gentler than Morgana’s, “you haven’t talked to any of your other friends, you haven’t contacted Gaius, you still barely speak to your mother…”   
  
“I’m not  _ready_!”   
  
“It’s been 7 months now Merlin, and I know it’s  _hard_  but you cant keep putting off life. She wouldn’t have wanted that.”  
  
“You have no  _idea_  what she would have wanted!” Merlin yelled.  
  
“We know that she loved you!” Morgana’s voice was trembling with barely controlled anger. “We know that she regretted  _ruining_  your fucking life!”  
  
“How  _dare_  you!” Merlins breaths were coming in harsh, panting gasps – his face red and his throat aching from the strain of yelling. Tears were springing up in his eyes, unwanted but uncontrollable. For Morgana to… to insinuate that Freya… that Freya regretted ever meeting Merlin, regretted the impact she made in Merlin’s life – he couldn’t deal with that. He couldn’t deal with that at all.  
  
“You have no… you have no  _idea_  what our relationship was like… what our  _lives_  were like!”   
  
“She didn’t make you happy, Merlin!” Morgana yelled.   
  
There was a pause, filled only with gasping breaths and Gwen’s sniffling.  
  
Finally Merlin turned his back to them, striding to the front door.   
  
“Where are you going?” Gwen demanded. “Merlin!”   
  
“You want me to live?  _Fine_!” Merlin spat. He drew in a trembling breath, biting his lip and closing his eyes against the tears. “ _Fine_ ,” he repeated, his voice quieter.  
  
The door slammed behind him.   
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
 _“Come on Merlin!” Freya tugged at Merlin’s hand, pulling him through the crowd to the front of the queue.  
_ _  
Merlin laughed and let himself be tugged along, shamelessly ogling Freya’s ass in her short white dress. It had been so long since Freya had worn it, so long since Freya had even wanted to go out. Merlin felt... optimistic. Freya was happier tonight than she had been in a long while.  
_ _  
“Freya!” Exclaimed a giant bouncer standing at the door of the club.  
_ _  
Freya grinned, her smile lighting up her whole face, and Merlin helplessly smiled along with her.  
_ _  
“Long time no see, love!” The bouncer said as Freya and Merlin approached him. Freya lent up on her tiptoes and gave the man a kiss on the cheek before laughing and wiping it away. The man smiled affectionately. “Well, in you go then!” he said, ushering them in with a friendly wave.  
_ _  
Merlin and Freya descended the stairs into the dark club, Freya clinging onto Merlin as she unsteadily wobbled on her heels. She laughed. “I haven’t even had a drink yet and I can’t navigate the stairs!”  
_ _  
The club was writhing, bodies moving, lights flashing, music blaring. Shouting orders could be heard over at the bar, the floors wet with spilled drinks and the air heady with sweat. Merlin and Freya went straight over to the bar, her hand clasped in his, and they ordered their drinks. The alcohol burned as it went down, but Merlin smiled, ordering more outrageously colourful cocktails and making Freya laugh.  
_ _  
When the room was moving faster and they could barely walk straight, Freya grabbed Merlin’s hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. Their bodies moved together, hips rolling, Freya’s breasts pressed into his chest, her lips on his neck. Merlin felt arousal curl tightly in his belly. He cupped her face in his hands, drawing her up for a kiss but hesitating – their lips hovering close but not touching, allowing Freya to back away. But Freya whined and surged forward, pressing their lips together and quickly deepening the kiss. Soon Merlin was gasping and bucking forward into Freya’s thigh, grinding his erection against her. Freya laughed mischievously, which turned into a moan as Merlin slipped his thigh fully between her legs, her dress riding up obscenely high as she rubbed against him. They rocked together with the music, their arousal heightening.  
_ _  
“Merlin…” Freya gasped. “Please.”  
_ _  
“Are you sure?” Merlin asked. He was already tugging her off the dance floor, towards the bathrooms.  
_ _  
“It’s been too long,” she said breathlessly. Merlin didn’t want to think about that; didn’t want to think about how he’d yearned for her at night – not just physically but emotionally too. He didn’t want to think about how Freya had fallen so far into her depression that even he had been afraid to follow into that dark place; how he’d yearned for_ his _Freya to return to him. He didn’t want to remember how much he’d missed her.  
_ _  
Merlin spun around to face her, knocking into people around them, and drew Freya in for another harsh kiss, full of lips and tongue and teeth. Freya bit down on Merlin’s bottom lip, and he pulled away, smiling.  
_ _  
“Come on,” he said, pulling her into the bathrooms.  
_ _  
Freya was gasping, her neck and cheeks red and Merlin wished he could take her dress off just so he could see the blush spread right down to her belly.  
_ _  
Freya grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him into a cubicle, pushing him back against the door.  
_ _  
“Freya…,” Merlin stuttered.  
_ _  
She grinned at him, playful, and kissed the side of his neck, more gentle than they had been all night. It slowed Merlin down, grounded him, and he cupped Freya’s cheek again.  
_ _  
“What do you want, love?” he questioned.  
_ _  
Freya’s breath was hot in his ear as she whispered, “Fuck me.”  
_ _  
Merlin’s cock throbbed in arousal as he slid her dress up and pulled down her panties, pressing her against the cubicle wall. There was sweat dripping from her forehead as she scrambled to undo his jeans, pulling them down along with his underwear in one swift movement.  
_ _  
Freya licked her palms, looking up through her eyelashes to gaze at Merlin, then wrapped her hands around his cock and pumped. Merlin bit his lip to stop a loud moan and slammed his lips onto Freya’s, their tongues battling desperately as he slid his hand up her thighs to circle her clit, once, twice. Freya moaned into their kiss, bucking up into his fingers.  
_ _  
They grew impatient, Merlin’s hands settling on Freya’s ass as he hitched her higher against the wall, her legs wrapped around him as he slid into her in a well-practised move. Merlin kissed her shoulder, knowing it would be over soon from the tension growing in his belly. Freya was writhing, her fingers digging into Merlin’s shoulders, her lip nearly bitten through as he thrust into her again and again. Her hand snaked between them to circle her clit repeatedly, faster and faster, and then she was shuddering around him, her head hitting the wall as she arched desperately, the look on her flushed face sending Merlin quickly into his own orgasm.  
_ _  
When it was over, and Freya had slid her panties back up her legs and Merlin’s jeans were done up once more, he pulled her close, smiling, and kissed the top of her head.  
_ _  
“I love you,” he murmured.  
_ _  
“I love you too,” she whispered in return, “now lets go home.”  
_ _  
_*                                           *                                         *  
  
Merlin didn’t recognise anyone as he scanned the crowd, tipping back his bourbon and coke. The club was packed full of grinding bodies, and Merlin watched a couple dance together (her hair was long and dark, and she was wearing a white dress and almost, almost, if he squinted, he could see Freya).  
  
He turned as he felt a touch on his shoulder. “You wanna dance?” A woman asked, smiling coyly up at him. She was tall, with blonde hair and tanned skin, and Merlin couldn’t see Freya anywhere.   
  
“Sure,” he said in reply.   
  
Later he would find Freya even in this woman – in the shape of her breast and the dusky pink of her areola, and in the way she arched as Merlin’s fingers sunk into her, in how she looked down on her knees, peering up at him.   
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
The next night the woman was dark-skinned, with short-cropped black hair and arching eyebrows. She laughed as Merlin tripped over the mat at the front door of Gwen and Morgana’s apartment, then grinned cheekily as he pulled her into his bedroom, slamming the door behind them.   
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
Soon Merlin could see Freya anywhere, in any woman, tall or short, big or small; Freya’s smile, the curve of her ear, the dip of her navel – they were all he could see.   
  
But Merlin grew frustrated, because none of them  _were_  her. None of them had Freya’s laugh, the sounds she made when she orgasmed, the way she kissed just under his ear when they were finished. So he started to turn his attention elsewhere.   
  
He’d always known he was also attracted to men – starting from the awkward kisses between him and Will before they realised that they were too much like brothers to ever work their sexual frustrations out on each other – but he’d never found anyone that really  _interested_  him before.   
  
Now he wasn’t looking for anyone interesting, just someone to forget, for a little while.  
  
“You come here often?” A man asked, sidling up close to him at the bar. Merlin grimaced at the line, but still turned to look at him. The man had long hair – too long, really, and his smile was wide and dangerous looking. Merlin didn’t mind though; he was handsome enough.  
  
“No, not often,” he replied, then stuck out his hand. “My name’s Merlin.”  
  
The man took it, his grip firm. “Cendred,” he said. “Can I get you a drink?”  
  
Merlin nodded.   
  
Soon enough, alcohol making the room blur, Merlin felt Cendred’s lips on his neck, then lower, at the base of his throat.   
  
“Not here,” Merlin gasped.   
  
Cenred’s grin was wider than ever before, and he stood up, taking Merlin’s hand. “Come on then.”  
  
He led Merlin to the back alleyway outside the club, and if Merlin hadn’t been too busy focusing on trying to walk straight, he would have laughed at how cliché it all was. As it was, all he noticed was a flash of blonde and brunette hair as a couple laughed into each other’s mouths further down the alley.   
  
Then Cendred’s lips were on his again, his body pushing Merlin into the wall behind him, and Merlin winced as the bricks hit his back, scraping him even through his clothes. Merlin tried to make the kiss gentler, slowing things down, but Cendred pulled away from Merlin and began peppering kisses along his jaw, then down the column of his neck, where he started sucking deep bruises.   
  
“Cendred…” Merlin gasped, bucking into the man.   
  
 _“Freya!” Merlin laughed as he looked into the mirror at the purple bites marking his neck. “Are you a vampire?” he asked very seriously.  
_ _  
Freya nodded. “And you were most delicious.”  
_ _  
_Merlin gasped, this time not from pleasure. He squeezed his eyes shut tight as Cendred’s lips returned to his, drawing out a kiss from Merlin’s trembling mouth. Cendred’s hand started to snake it’s way down Merlin’s body, to the waistband of his jeans and…  
  
 _Freya’s hand slipped into Merlin’s jeans, and Merlin bit his lip to stifle his moan as Freya giggled.  
  
_ “Stop,” Merlin gasped, tearing his lips from Cendred’s.    
  
Cendred didn’t seem to hear him, his fingers unbuttoning Merlin’s jeans, his lips preoccupied with Merlin’s neck again.  
  
 _Merlin’s lips tracing the contours of Freya neck, down to her collarbones.  
  
_ “Stop!” Merlin said louder, but Cendred pushed him harder against the wall, and Merlin felt a trembling of fear for the first time.   
  
He put his hands on Cendred’s shoulders, trying to push him off.   
  
“Don’t pretend like you don’t want it!” Cendred finally growled.   
  
“Get off me!”   
  
Merlin was twisting away, when suddenly Cendred was wrenched from him. There was a thud, and Merlin turned, his body trembling. Two men stood staring at him, their mouths set in thin lines. Merlin was struck, first of all, by how beautiful they were. It surprised him, because really, shouldn’t he be thinking about the fact that Cendred almost… well. The taller man had wavy, brown hair that nearly reached his shoulders and a slim straight nose, while the other one was blonde, with startling blue eyes and a square jaw. They were both dressed impeccably, and Merlin’s eyes roamed down their bodies until they finally landed on the heap at their feet. Cendred.   
  
“He hit his head pretty hard,” the brunette said, nudging the man over with his boot. “I really hope that hurts when he wakes up in the morning.”  
  
Merlin trembled, the alcohol in his system churning until he felt nausea creep up on him.   
  
“Are you alright?” the blonde man asked, reaching a hand out to Merlin.   
  
Merlin nodded but changed his mind as he lent to the side and vomited.   
  
“M’sorry,” he murmured.   
  
“Don’t be,” the brunette man laughed. “That’s going to be fun for Ugly here to wake up in.”   
  
The blonde man sighed and took out a handkerchief from his pocket, offering it to Merlin, who nearly laughed at the absurdity of a person still carrying around handkerchiefs. But he took it gratefully, wiping his face.    
  
“Do you want a lift home?” The man asked.   
  
“I only live near here.” Merlin’s head was pounding, and all he wanted was to go to sleep.   
  
“Well that’s convenient,” the brunette said. “We’ll walk you home.”  
  
“I can get home fine by myself,” Merlin said, walking unsteadily towards the entrance of the alley. He almost tripped on the uneven path but the blonde man grabbed his arm.   
  
“I don’t think so.”   
  
“M’fine, geroff me.”   
  
The man took his hand off Merlin, but still hovered around him.   
  
“What’s your name?” the brunette one asked.  
  
“Merlin.”  
  
“Well, Merlin, I’m Gwaine and this here’s Arthur, and I’m afraid to tell you that neither of us is going to let a handsome man like you walk home by himself in this… state. Is there someone we can call to come and get you?”  
  
Merlin’s head was pounding, and he felt dizzy. Arthur and Gwaine seemed… decent, he supposed. Decent enough to offer to walk him home, at least.   
  
He felt his pockets for his phone, withdrawing it and trying to unlock it, the words on the screen blurring.   
  
“Let me?” asked Arthur, putting his hand out for the phone.   
  
Merlin sighed and handed it over.   
  
“What do you want me to call?” Arthur asked. “Home?”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes, thinking of his empty apartment.   
  
“No, it’s under G+M’s.”   
  
Arthur nodded and scrolled through the contacts before hitting call.   
  
There was silence between the three of them before Arthur started saying, “Hi, sorry, I’m here with Merlin and we’re just looking for someone…”   
  
There was a long pause, then. “Morgana?” Arthur asked.   
  
Merlin looked at him, confused. Arthur’s brow was furrowed and his mouth hung open in a look of total surprise. “Yeah yeah, it’s Arthur. Me and Gwaine are here with…Merlin, was it? We found him by total accident… no, I didn’t know. Is he a friend of yours?” Another pause. “Oh ok. You still living at the same address? Yeah we’re right near there… at Tattlers… yeah, Merlin’s a bit, uhm… well we found him in the alley. We’ll be back soon, don’t worry. Okay, see you soon.” Arthur hung up the phone and looked over at Gwaine.   
  
“That was Morgana,” he said.   
  
“I gathered that,” Gwaine said, moving closer to Arthur and resting his hand on his lower back.  
  
“Are you staying with Morgana Pendragon?” Arthur asked Merlin.   
  
Merlin felt the alley spinning again, his vision blurring until Arthur and Gwaine were nothing but silhouettes. “Yeah,” he managed to stammer.   
  
“She’s my sister,” he distantly heard Arthur say.   
  
Merlin stumbled back, confused. He heard someone call out ‘Merlin’, and a gentle hand on his shoulder but everything felt like he was underwater, disoriented. He felt himself fall, but couldn't stop it, and then, very suddenly, it all went dark.  
  
                                                        *                                           *                                         *  
  
Merlin woke with a pounding head and the taste of vomit in his mouth.   
  
“Shit,” he murmured, reaching out to the other side of the bed. He and Freya must have drunk too much last night, and what day was it again? Did he have work?  
  
He sat up, the pounding in his head worse, and winced, holding a hand to cover his eyes.   
  
“Here,” someone said, and Merlin opened his eyes to see Gwen standing next to him, holding out a glass of water and some Advil.   
  
Merlin looked away, shame washing over him as he remembered a body pressing against him, a man’s lips on his, and then two more guys and a handkerchief?  How was he supposed to look Gwen or Morgana in the eye after  _that_? He took the pain medication silently and swallowed it down.   
  
“What happened?” he asked quietly. He could remember flashes of golden hair and someone laughing and another man with a frightening smile.   
  
Gwen sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed, smoothing the covers down next to her.   
  
“You were out clubbing… and Morgana’s brother, Arthur, he found you. You were…” She trailed off, and Merlin looked away again. “I’m scared Merlin.” Her voice was small. “And I can’t… I can’t do this anymore, with you.”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes tightly and opened them again to see tears running down Gwen’s cheeks, her body shaking.   
  
“I’m scared too,” he whispered.  
  
And he was – he’d been so… so  _selfish_. And what would  _Freya_  think… what would she say if she knew what he’d been doing, how  _stupid_  he’d been.  
  
“I miss her.”   
  
And maybe it was the first time Merlin had said it out loud, and maybe they weren’t the right words, the right explanation as to why he’d been so reckless but that was all he could say. That he missed her. That he’d been trying to forget about the  _gaping hole_  she’d left, that he’d been trying to forget how he’d failed her.   
  
“I know,” Gwen said, “but what you’re doing… it, it isn’t healthy Merlin.”  
  
“I know,” he echoed.   
  
They sat in silence until Gwen shifted closer. Merlin wrapped his arm around her, leaning his head on her shoulder.   
  
“It’ll get better,” she said. “It’ll get better soon, you’ll see.”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. “I hope so.” 


	3. PART THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

It was quiet as the Merlin and Gwen sat together, their hands intertwined.  
  
“I’m tired,” Merlin said, closing his eyes.  
  
“Go back to sleep,” Gwen replied as he shuffled back under the duvet. She stood up but still hovered above him, pushing his hair back off his forehead. “I… I love you, you know that right?”  
  
Merlin smiled slightly, then nodded. “Yeah, I know. I love you too, okay?”  
  
                                                       *                                       *                                   *  
  
 _Freya’s hands were cupped around her cup of tea, and she was biting her lip. Her dark hair was pulled over one shoulder, and she looked small in her oversized t-shirt, her legs bare as she perched on the stool.  
_ _  
“We shouldn’t have done this,” she said.  
_ _  
Merlin looked away, his heart hammering in his chest.  
_ _  
“I like you, Freya.”  
_ _  
“You shouldn’t.”  
_ _  
Merlin huffed out a breath. “Do I get no say in this, then?”  
_ _  
He heard Freya sigh. “I like you too. And last night was… good, but…”  
_ _  
Merlin turned back to her then, caught a smile on her face. “It was good?” He asked.  
_ _  
“Yeah.” She smiled properly this time, all teeth and dimples.  
_ _  
Merlin’s fingers were tapping on the breakfast counter, and Freya suddenly seemed very interested in her fingernails.  
_ _  
“Freya, I’ve known you for three months, we’ve had three proper dates and we had really good sex last night. I_ like _you. I think this could be something. Do you not feel that?"  
_ _  
Freya bit her lip again. “I think this could be something too. You just… don’t know everything about me yet, Merlin.”  
_ _  
“I know.” He caught her gaze, looking solemnly into her eyes. “But I’d like to.”  
_ _  
Freya dipped her head, hiding her eyes in a familiar gesture that made Merlin want to cry out in frustration. He’d seen her do it since the first day they’d met, and at first he’d been intrigued, he supposed. But now it only served as a barrier between them. It frightened him how much he wanted that barrier gone, how much he wanted everything with Freya.  
_ _  
Merlin stretched a hand out across the breakfast counter, grasping her hands in his. Freya’s thumb ran over his knuckles and she smiled at him.  
_ _  
“I want you Merlin, I do, but…”  
_ _  
“It’s complicated?” he guessed. She nodded. “Freya, if life was simple then it wouldn’t matter, would it? Sometimes things are worth the struggle.”  
_ _  
“You sound like a self-help novel,” she muttered.  
_ _  
“Maybe I should write one.”  
_ _  
Freya laughed, and Merlin closed his eyes as she brought up their hands and laid a kiss on Merlin’s knuckles.  
_ _  
“Will you tell me, when you’re ready?” he asked.  
_ _  
Freya nodded.  
_ _  
And the next time they were curled up in bed together, and the apartment was silent, Freya moved her mouth up to his ear and whispered, “I have depression.”  
_ _  
And so Merlin pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head and whispered, “Okay.”  
_ _  
There would be more discussions in the morning, he knew that, but in that moment he was content to lie with Freya and listen to the sound of her steady breathing.  
_ _  
_*                                       *                                   *

_**Fri 18th Dec (7:43pm)  
**_ _ **  
**“Fuck Morgana, Morgana help, help me oh god, oh my god.”  
_ _  
_“What’s wrong, Merlin, what’s wrong? Calm down, tell me, tell me.”  
  
 _“Freya she’s… she’s bleeding every… oh my god. Why would she… help me Morgana.”  
  
_ “Merlin, your phone’s cutting in and out, what’s happening, I’m frightened.”  
  
 _“Freya’s bleeding everywhere! What do I do Morgana, what do I do? It’s, oh god her...”  
  
_ “Fuck fuck fuck, Gwen call 999! It’s okay Merlin, help will be there soon, we’ll be there soon.” 

 

**_Sun 2nd Jan (11:03am)  
_** _ **  
**“I told you not to call me Will.”  
_ _  
_“Merlin, I didn’t mean… it was insensitive of me to say it so soon after she died, I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry.”  
  
 _“But you still think it! You wanted us to break up before she…”  
  
_ “I have a right to think that she wasn’t good for you, that she wasn’t healthy!”   
  
 _“How could you even say that to me right now? You’re a complete fucking asshole Will, I always knew you were but I never ever thought you’d treat me like this. Don’t call me again.”  
  
_ “Just, fuck just don’t hang up! I’m sorry all right? I’m sorry. But when you were with her… nothing else existed. Nothing but her, no friends, no family, just her. You were so fucking consumed by her…”  
  
(call ended)

 

_**Wed 9th Feb (1:26am)  
**_ ** _  
_**“Merlin?”  
  
 _“You sound so much like Freya, sometimes.”  
  
_ “Merlin… I don’t know what to say to you.”  
  
 _“We haven’t spoken since the funeral… do you not want to talk to me anymore?”  
  
_ “It’s not that love… it’s hard, seeing you.”  
  
 _“Because it was my fault?”  
  
_ “Merlin… it, it wasn’t your fault. My daughter… she had a disease. She had a disease that we all let go untreated. And sure, she didn’t want treatment, but we could have tried. She could have tried. It’s not your fault.”  
  
 _“You sound so much like her.”  
  
_ “I know Merlin, I’m sorry.”

                                                        *                                      *                                  *  
  
Merlin woke slowly, tear tracks dried on his face. He frowned but slowly relaxed as he took in the sunlight streaming through the open curtains of his room. He felt peaceful, the green walls of his room and the warm duvet making things seem a little… gentler, than before.  
  
It was then that he heard the laughing coming from Morgana and Gwen’s room. Male laughter.   
  
 _What’s going on?_  Merlin thought to himself, falling out of bed in a tangle of sheets and pillows.   
  
He righted himself quickly, opening his bedroom door and padding silently down the hall to the girl’s room. He opened the door slowly and peered in.   
  
 _Shit. Shit, shit, shit.  
  
_ Morgana and Gwen slept peacefully, their bodies pressed together, Morgana’s face resting on Gwen’s chest. But with them in their bed was a strange man, sitting up next to them and laughing, taking photos.   
  
He had dark, shaggy-brown hair, a rough, stubbly jaw and a sharp, straight nose.   
  
And then Merlin noticed the person standing by the door. His profile was startlingly handsome, a straight, sloped nose, full lips and a smooth, clean-shaven jaw. But it was the man’s blonde hair that stood out, falling carelessly into his eyes. Merlin frowned as he felt a spark of recognition. Something about a handkerchief? Merlin watched as the man huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes good-naturedly at the brunette man.  
  
“What the fuck?” Merlin said out loud, his breaths coming faster.   
  
The man in the bed jumped up almost immediately, then started laughing. “Jesus Christ you gave me a heart attack Merlin!”   
  
Merlin frowned, arms across his chest.   
  
“What… what the hell are you doing?” he asked.   
  
The blonde-haired man turned to Merlin then, the sun streaming behind him making his hair almost glow. His eyes were a clear blue as they frowned before melting into an expression of bemusement. The man behind him was still laughing, his hair flopping into his eyes.   
  
“Oh my god, oh god your face Merlin, your face!” he said, pushing his hair back carelessly.  
  
Merlin glared. “This is not funny! Unless someone tells me right now what is going on I’m going to call the police!”   
  
It was then that he heard the tired giggles coming from Morgana and Gwen.  Merlin didn’t know how they could sleep through two men invading their room and taking pictures, and then could be somehow be so calm when waking up and discovering the scene.   
  
“This is not funny Morgana!” he yelled. “Their are strange men taking pictures of you in bed!”   
  
Morgana sat up then, and Gwen groaned and sat up as well, bleary-eyed.   
  
“Really Gwaine?” Morgana said, rolling her eyes. “Great first-impression there.”  
  
Merlin felt lost, confused.   
  
Morgana sighed. “Merlin meet my half-brother, Arthur, Arthur meet Merlin. Merlin meet my half-brother’s idiot boyfriend Gwaine, who I met last night and very much approved of until now, and Gwaine, meet my idiot best friend Merlin.”   
  
“Charmed,” Gwaine said, with an amused glint in his eyes.   
  
“Is it a habit of yours to take pictures of people sleeping?” Merlin asked, rubbing his eyes.    
  
“Only on special occasions,” Arthur replied calmly.   
  
“Plus, do you know how jealous my mates are going to be when I put these pictures up on Facebook?” Gwaine interjected.   
  
“Are you always such asses?” Merlin asked angrily, still feeling lost and embarrassed, like he’d just been the butt of a practical joke.   
  
“Only to people we’ve already seen at their most prattish.”   
  
“What are you talking about?” Merlin snapped.   
  
“We brought you home of course,” Arthur smirked. “You were drunk off your mind, threw up all over a guy in an alleyway and then passed out. Imagine my surprise when I find out you’re living with my sister.”   
  
Gwaine frowned at Arthur. “That’s not exactly how it happened.” He turned to Merlin then. “You were... kind of attacked.”  
  
Merlin looked away from everyone, his cheeks hot.   
  
“Well then, neither of us made very good first impressions, did we?” he snapped.   
  
The room was silent.  
  
“Who’s up for breakfast?” Gwen said, getting out of bed, overly cheery.   
  
At the mention of food, Gwaine’s stomach rumbled loudly, making everyone laugh and easing the tension.   
  
“The stomach has spoken, Gwen,” he said in response.  
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
“So what’s the scoop on Arthur?” Merlin whispered to Gwen as they prepared tea. Merlin frowned at the teabags and turned away to see Gwen leaning against the counter, watching him. He could hear Morgana, Arthur and Gwaine in the lounge room, arguing over which morning show to watch.   
  
Gwen sighed. “They had a  _huge_  argument last night, I’m surprised you didn’t wake up.”   
  
“Yeah, I mean, I figured something was up with them, she never mentions him. No photos, no cards, nothing.”  
  
“They email, I think. Arthur and Uther are the one part of Morgana’s life that even I don’t know everything about.” Gwen hesitated, then scooted up to sit on the kitchen bench. “It’s… complicated, I think. They grew up together, they fought like cat and dog but they loved each other. And then Morgana started struggling with her sexuality, and…”   
  
“She closed off?”   
  
Gwen nodded. “To some extent, probably. And I think she might have a lot of guilt for that. It’s not her fault of course… growing up with Uther, well, you know. He doesn’t exactly have the greatest opinion about homosexuality.”  
  
“He’s a bigoted asshole, Gwen.”   
  
The corner of her lips turned up in a tired smile.   
  
“And so Morgana ran here, away from their life in New York, a whole continent away. And Arthur was left behind. Arthur  _stayed_. She didn’t tell either of them about her sexuality until she left, but I think maybe she still saw that as Arthur siding with Uther. She didn’t know about, well –”  
  
“The boyfriend?”   
  
Gwen smiled again. “Yeah.”   
  
“I bet Uther didn’t take it well, both his children being gay.”   
  
“He wasn’t very pleased,” a voice said from the doorway, startling them both. Gwen even let out a squeak, her hands flying to her mouth as she slid off the bench.  
  
“Oh Arthur, you frightened me,” she said, laughing.   
  
He smiled. “I was sent to check on the tea. Heard you two gossiping like old women.”   
  
Merlin bit his lip, unsure. Would Arthur be offended by Merlin’s curiosity?  
  
Gwen looked hesitant, embarrassed. “We didn’t… I was just telling Merlin about…”  
  
“The Pendragon politics?”   
  
Gwen blushed. “I suppose that’s an accurate name for it.”  
  
Arthur rolled his eyes as he strode forward, grabbing the kettle that had just started whistling and filling the mugs. This prompted Merlin and Gwen into action. Merlin began putting the toast on as Gwen turned back to cutting up fruit.  
  
“We were born here, you know. We moved to the US... well, when I as young. And Morgana moved back here about five years ago, around the same time I started to… question myself,” Arthur said.   
  
Gwen began to busy herself more around the kitchen, already knowing the basics of the story.   
  
Arthur sighed, then side-eyed Merlin, “I had just worked up the courage to tell my father and Morgana about my orientation when I think, maybe, Morgana must have met  _you_. And you obviously gave her the courage to tell both my father and I about her own sexuality. It was a shock, obviously. And my father was… furious. Nearly completely disinherited her. Well, he  _would_  have disinherited her had I not… stepped in, I suppose.”   
  
“Are you rich?” Merlin interrupted, astonished. He never even knew Morgana had money.   
  
Gwen laughed and Arthur rolled his eyes again, putting the kettle down and grabbing tea bags. “ _Yes_ , Merlin. Honestly, you’d think that you and Morgana weren’t even friends at this rate.”   
  
Merlin huffed, spreading butter onto all the pieces of toast. “She doesn’t like talking about it much.”   
  
Arthur looked sad at that. “Well, yes I suppose. Anyways, Morgana refuses the money anyway, so it’s not like you would’ve known. She pays her own way with her writing.” Arthur began dipping tea bags into the mugs. “Anyways, after my father’s reaction I knew I couldn’t do it. I  _knew_  I didn’t have the courage. So I just did… nothing. Hid. Pretended. And then I met Gwaine.”   
  
Merlin grinned. “Was it all fireworks and romance and fairytale, then?” He said.   
  
“Honestly, you’d think we were born in the bloody 1800s,” Arthur said, rolling his eyes in a gesture that was already becoming annoying to Merlin. “No of course it wasn’t. It started in a coffee shop. Gwaine had a gig there playing guitar and singing, and I walked in one day in an absolute foul mood and told him to keep the fucking noise down.”   
  
“ _Really_?” Gwen sounded astonished as she turned around.  
  
Arthur smirked. “Gwaine, of course, laughed it off and asked whether it was the giant stick up my ass that was causing my mood or if it was because I needed something up my ass. Then I punched him.”   
  
“Oh my  _god_.”   
  
This time Arthur laughed, turning around to face them properly. “Yeah, not the greatest of starts to a new relationship. But I was… angry, all the time. And not a very nice person. After he’d gotten ice for his cheek and I’d been banned permanently from that coffee shop, we went to the pub and I blurted my whole little sob story to him. Been together ever since.” Arthur shrugged.   
  
Merlin was laughing so hard he could hardly catch his breath, and Gwen was giggling quietly, shooting happy glances at him.   
  
“Hey hey hey, what’s going on in here?” Morgana asked, walking into the kitchen. She stopped when she saw caught sight of Merlin and smiled widely.   
  
“What’s so funny?” She asked.  
  
“Arthur punched a man in a coffee shop… and somehow got that man to date him,” Gwen said.   
  
“I’m not the brightest of men.” Gwaine smirked as he strolled into the kitchen too.   
  
“Charming Arthur, just  _charming_ ,” Morgana said, glaring at her brother.   
  
Merlin just laughed harder.   
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *

  


_Merlin’s palms were sweaty, and he felt like the least attractive person on the planet as he pushed his fringe off his forehead and knocked on Freya’s front door._  
  
 _“Come in!” he heard from inside, “It’s open!”  
_ _  
Merlin pushed on the door and edged his way into the apartment.  
_ _  
“Hey!” Freya said, smiling up at Merlin from where she sat on the couch, putting her heels on.  
_ _  
Merlin swallowed, taking in Freya’s long legs and short, blue dress.  
_ _  
“Hey,” he croaked, then cleared his throat. “Sorry, nervous,” he admitted, embarrassed.  
_ _  
Freya smiled gently up at him, “No need to be nervous, just dinner and a movie and no pressure, right?”  
_ _  
“Right,” Merlin said, then he smiled. “You look amazing.”  
_ _  
She blushed. “So do you.”  
_ _  
Merlin grinned goofily then, and did an exaggerated bow, holding his hand out for her. “Shall we go, milady?” he said.  
_ _  
Freya rolled her eyes and laughed, gently taking his hand and standing up. “We shall, you big dork.”_

  


                                                        *                                      *                                  *

  


_“Willyoumoveinwithme?” Freya said in one breath, a rush that Merlin could barely understand._  
  
 _“What did you say?” he asked. Freya looked down at their clasped hands and took a deep breath.  
_ _  
“Will you move in with me? I know… I know we’ve only been dating for 6 months, but the lease on your place is up, and I know I already think of my apartment as ours and I’d like it if you –”  
_ _  
“- Freya that sounds perfect,” Merlin said with a grin._

  


                                                        *                                      *                                  *  
  
“Merlin,” Morgana was whispering as he opened his eyes.   
  
“ _Shit_ ,” he groused. “Did I fall asleep?”   
  
Morgana snorted. “Everyone did.”   
  
Merlin sat up, bleary-eyed, and looked around. Him and Morgana were both on the couch, with Gwaine, Arthur and Gwen all asleep on cushions on the floor. It was mid-afternoon, judging by the sun coming through the window. The apartment was lazily warm, Doctor Who repeats still playing on the TV.  
  
“Are they staying here again tonight?”   
  
Morgana nodded. “They were staying at a hotel until they finish the paperwork for the apartment they’ve bought. They’re moving here permanently, it seems. I said they could stay here instead, save their money.”  
  
Merlin nodded, then shifted to lean his head against Morgana’s shoulder.   
  
“Have you sorted everything out with Arthur then?” he asked.   
  
Morgana looked away. “Not… not fully, but it’s a step in the right direction, I suppose.”   
  
“Are you okay?”   
  
Morgana nodded, her mouth tight and her eyes watery. “Yeah, I think it’s going to work out.”   
  
Merlin smiled as Morgana wrapped an arm around him.   
  
“I know Gwen already talked to you about… what you were doing.”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. Despite knowing this conversation was inevitable, he still dreaded it. Dreaded Morgana’s disappointment.   
  
“Yeah,” he murmured.  
  
“I was so scared for you, Merlin.” Morgana’s voice was small, and Merlin hated it. “Especially after how Gwaine and Arthur found you.”  
  
Merlin suddenly remembered then, Cendred’s hand clasped in his, Cendred’s lips on his neck. Merlin shuddered.   
  
“It was a mistake, a big mistake. It… it didn’t make me feel better.”   
  
There was a long silence, filled only by the sounds of the other three breathing steadily, Gwaine emitting a soft snore every once and awhile.   
  
“I feel like I should apologise,” Morgana admitted.   
  
Merlin turned around to fully face her, but Morgana avoided his gaze.  
  
“ _Why_?” he asked incredulously.   
  
This time Morgana did look at him. “Because we never talk about her.”   
  
“Because it makes me sad.”   
  
“But Merlin… maybe that’s why we  _should_.”   
  
Merlin startled, remembering another voice from before, when Freya was alive, saying the same thing to him.  _Maybe that’s why you should_. Morgana’s voice interrupted his thought.  
  
“You tried to find her, in those women before, didn’t you? Or maybe you tried to forget her, I don’t know. But do you think that maybe all you need to do is finally  _talk_  about her? She’s not in those people because you will never find another Freya.” Morgana’s voice was earnest now. “But you can remember her, you can… talk to her, about her. She’s not something to be pushed away and forgotten. I think, maybe, you’re bottling it all up inside until it explodes. I think you need to  _talk_.”   
  
“I miss her, all the time,” Merlin said quietly.   
  
Morgana wrapped her arm around him. “I know.”   
  
Merlin nodded then lay down, resting his head in Morgana’s lap and stretching his legs out along the couch.  
  
“I miss you too, sometimes.”   
  
Morgana pushed back Merlin’s fringe, then repeated the gesture, her smooth palm stroking his forehead. “I’m right here.”  
  
“Sometimes it feels like you’re not though… like I’m looking at things from far away, and all I can see is Freya in between everyone else. Sometimes it feels like my… grief, or whatever it is, keeps everyone far away. And she wouldn’t have wanted that."  
  
Merlin frowned. “I’m probably not making any sense.”  
  
“No, you are.” Morgana reassured him. “And I just want you to know that I’m right here for you, and Gwen too. We all are.”  
  
Merlin smiled, “I know.”   
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
The phone rung once, twice, three times.   
  
“Hello, Will speaking.”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. “Will… it’s Merlin.”   
  
Will took a deep breath. “ _You rang_.” His voice was incredulous; it made Merlin feel guilty, even though he knew that they had both been in the wrong, a little bit. Will had been way out of line, but it came from a place of love. Merlin knew that. Tears sprung to his eyes, and he felt Gwen place a reassuring hand on his shoulder.   
  
“I’m not… angry, anymore.”   
  
“Should we talk about it though… what happened?”  
  
Merlin squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
 _Will’s eyes were wary as he opened the door, taking in Freya and Merlin. Freya looked exhausted, circles under her eyes and the corners of her lips turned down. Merlin felt exhausted too, he hadn’t wanted to come on the trip until Freya was feeling slightly more like herself, but it had been planned for ages and Freya insisted. Will ushered them into the door.  
_ _  
Later, when Freya was in bed, crying quietly to herself even though it broke both their hearts, Merlin wandered down to the kitchen. Will was leaning against the counter, his head in his hands.  
_ _  
“Are you alright?” Merlin had asked.  
_ _  
“Are you?” Will retorted. Merlin closed his eyes.  
_ _  
“Say what you want to say, Will, and be done with it.”  
_ _  
Will took a deep breath. “You shouldn’t have waited so long to tell me. You’ve been with her for over two years now. Two years of being obsessed with her! Don’t you see what she’s doing? Two years ago you told me everything.”  
_ _  
“She’s not doing anything. Things change Will, and maybe you can’t handle that. What she’s going through… her struggle with depression, it has nothing to do with you! I only told you because you kept pestering me!”  
_ _  
“We’ve been worried about you, all of us!”  
_ _  
“Don’t you think I know that?”  
_ _  
“Then why don’t you tell us anything anymore!”  
_ _  
Merlin face was hot, his fists clenched. “Because it’s none of your goddamn business!” he shouted. He closed his mouth, breathing hard.  
_ _  
“Merlin?” A voice asked from the stairs. Merlin turned to look at Freya, the way her shoulders were hunched forward, the duvet wrapped around her. The way her cheeks were red and her eyes were puffy.  
_ _  
“Are you alright?” he asked her.  
_ _  
“I heard yelling,” she said, her eyes flicking to Will, who was still glowering.  
_ _  
Merlin sighed. “It’s fine Freya… we’re just… everything’s fine.”  
_ _  
Freya nodded, looking unsure.  
_ _  
“Did you want to have something to eat?” Merlin asked hopefully.  
_ _  
Freya shook her head, glancing between the two men. “I think I’ll just… go back to bed.”  
_ _  
When she had gone, Merlin turned back to Will, the anger drained out of him. Will looked thoughtful, but no less furious. He had a violent temper, and held grudges for longer than was healthy. Merlin sighed again.  
_ _  
“You don’t know what it’s like, Will. And I have to live through it, and Freya has to live through it, and why would I want to talk about it to everyone?”  
_ _  
“Maybe that’s why you should.”  
_ _  
“You… you don’t understand.”  
_ _  
“I understand well enough. I looked up Freya’s mood and behaviour patterns, both what you’ve told me and what I’ve seen. Maybe she doesn’t have depression Merlin, maybe she’s closer to bipolar. Did you ever think about that?”  
_ _  
Merlin closed his eyes. “It can’t be.”  
_ _  
“Stop denying what you see in front of your eyes! She needs help, and I know you love her, I know you love her so much that you’re ready to sacrifice everything. But you’re too young for this Merlin. To be weighed down by this. She’s not healthy, and she’s isolating you. You deserve to have a life! You deserve better than..."  
_ _  
Merlin punched Will in the nose then, his fist flying out before he could even comprehend what he was doing. Will fell to the floor, hands on his broken and bloody nose, looking up at Merlin in disbelief. Merlin shook his hand and spun away, up the stairs, to Freya.  
_ _  
The next morning, they were gone.  
_ _  
_Merlin eyes opened again as Gwen squeezed his shoulder. He took a trembling breath.  
  
“Not yet,” he said, answering Will’s question. “But soon. I’m… I’m tired of not talking.”   
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
Morgana came out of her bedroom one morning and her necklace caught Merlin’s eye.   
  
“Freya made that,” he said hesitantly.  
  
Morgana looked down in surprise. “Did she?” she asked. “I thought you guys bought it for me.”   
  
The pendant that hung from the chain was both delicate and sturdy looking. A circle of copper, on which a beautiful tree made out of twisted copper strings was suspended in the centre. On each tiny branch was a light green stone.    
  
“She used to make tonnes of things, for her online business. She painted too. I had to close it down, after…”   
  
“…after she died,” Morgana finished for him.   
  
“Yeah,” Merlin frowned at his own inability to say it, still. “I sent out what orders I could, but… she hadn’t felt much like doing art, in the end.”   
  
Morgana wrapped an arm around him. “She was very talented. I… I never really got to know her properly, did I?”   
  
“That was probably my fault.”   
  
“No it wasn’t, Merlin. I… I feel like I’ve missed out though, on her.”   
  
Merlin looked at Morgana, tears swimming in his eyes. “She was amazing.”  

  


                                                        *                                      *                                  *

  


Merlin was reading when suddenly the book was ripped from his hands.   
  
“Booooooring,” Gwaine said. “Come to the park with me and Arthur, I’m tired of being cooped up. We’ll play football.”   
  
Merlin hesitated, his cheeks hot. “I’m not very good at it.”   
  
Arthur appeared behind Gwaine, smiling in a challenging way. Merlin couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he was when he was being cocky. The way he tilted his head up, the arch of his eyebrows as he looked down at Merlin. Then it disappeared into an easy grin that made Merlin’s heart beat faster. “You can’t be  _that_  bad.”   
  
Merlin grimaced, suddenly embarrassed. “Last time I played  _Freya_  beat me.”   
  
There was a long silence when suddenly Gwaine sat down at the table, opposite Merlin. Gwaine’s hair was long, nearly to his shoulders, and it flopped in front of his eyes as he regarded Merlin seriously. Merlin eyed him warily.   
  
“Who’s Freya?” Gwaine asked. Arthur and Merlin both tensed, and Merlin saw Arthur try and subtly shake his head at Gwaine. Merlin swallowed and looked away.   
  
“She’s… well, she was, my girlfriend.”   
  
“Oh. I was under the assumption that you were…”   
  
“Gay?” Merlin laughed, distant, distracted.“Maybe I am, I don’t know. I don’t really categorise my sexuality, I’m sometimes attracted to men and I’m sometimes attracted to women. Usually it’s women, but sometimes,” Merlin shrugged, “It’s not really a big deal to me.”   
  
Gwaine smiled in a lascivious way, making Merlin smile. “So, nasty break up?”  
  
Merlin closed his eyes as they got back on topic.  
  
“Gwaine…” Arthur’s voice warned. Obviously Morgana had let Arthur know about what happened, but Arthur hadn’t gotten around to telling Gwaine.   
  
“She… she um, had depression. She committed suicide.”  
  
It felt so hostile, saying it out loud – so clinical, like the word ‘suicide’ was a medical term, and not such a violent end… to Freya’s life. Sometimes the word sounded to Merlin like an accusation, aimed at both him and Freya. Sometimes Merlin wished that the word still meant little to him, that he had no attachment other than the fleeting sadness he would feel when he heard it on the news.   
  
“I’m sorry, Merlin.” Gwaine’s voice was sincere, and Merlin nodded. He felt Arthur’s hand on his shoulder, and for some reason it kept him anchored. Merlin was grateful for that. 

  


                                                        *                                      *                                   *  
 _  
“Merlin?”  
_ _  
_“Hi Gaius,” Merlin bit his lip suddenly, afraid. What if Gaius didn’t want him back? What if Gaius was… disappointed?  
  
 _“Merlin my boy, how are you?”  
  
_ Merlin smiled at the affection in Gaius’s voice. “I’m… okay. I’m doing okay. I just wanted to apologise for bailing out of work for so long, I should have called, I know that.” Merlin frowned to himself, because hurting Gaius, losing Gaius’s respect - he really did fear that. Gaius was a father to him, and he treated Merlin like his son, and Merlin shouldn’t have forgotten that, not after everything Gaius had done for both him and Freya.   
  
 _“Merlin I understood, don’t worry.”  
  
_ “Is there… is there still room for me there? I miss work. I miss you.”   
  
And maybe that was the crux of the matter, for Merlin. He missed Freya, he  _loved_  Freya. But he missed life as well. He missed his friends, his work – he missed being happy. And Freya wouldn’t have wanted him held back from that. Freya wouldn’t have wanted him to miss things that were right there, that he could grab.   
  
“Of course.” 

  


                                                        *                                      *                                  *  
  
Merlin laughed as Morgana and Gwen stood up and bid the three of them goodbye as they went to bed, Morgana making obscene gestures behind Gwen’s back and waggling her eyebrows, much to Arthur’s obvious disgust.   
  
Gwaine winked at Merlin, causing a blush to rise up on Merlin’s cheeks and Gwaine to grin cheekily.    
  
“Are you sure you’re okay with the couch still?” Arthur asked, turning back to face them and wrapping an arm around Gwaine.  
  
Merlin nodded from where he sat in the armchair. “It’s cool, there’s two of you and one of me, so it sort of makes sense for you to take my bed.”  
  
“I’m sure we could squeeze together on the couch,” Gwaine said, waggling his eyebrows at Arthur, who smiled. Merlin looked away.   
  
“No it’s fine.”  
  
It had been strange, the past few days with Arthur and Gwaine. They were basically strangers to both Gwen and Merlin, and even Morgana to some extent, but they didn’t  _feel_  like strangers. To Merlin, they felt like old friends. He was… attracted to them, their warmth, their personality. The way Gwaine made everything into an innuendo and the way Arthur was genuinely amused by it. The way Arthur was gentle about everything, and how Gwaine would kiss him when he thought no one was looking.   
  
“ _They’re sweet together_ ,” Morgana had said when she, Gwen and Merlin had stayed up later than the boys. _“They balance each other._ ”   
  
Merlin was… jealous, he supposed. Well, maybe not jealous exactly, because the aching in his chest spoke more of longing than envy. But he couldn’t deny that they were a breath of fresh air in the house. That they brought  _life_.   
  
“Are you excited about your new house?” Merlin asked, turning back to them. They were looking at him with odd expressions on their faces, but Merlin chose to ignore it.   
  
“Yeah,” Gwaine said, his voice unusually quiet. “It’ll be good to get a new start.”   
  
Arthur’s arm tightened around Gwaine’s shoulder.   
  
“I should probably be thinking about going home soon, too,” Merlin murmured.  
  
“Do you think you’re ready for that?” Arthur asked quickly. Then he looked embarrassed. “Morgana’s mentioned your –”   
  
“– craziness?”   
  
“ _Grief process_  was how she put it, I think.”  
  
“Ah.”   
  
Merlin sighed. “I don’t know if I’m ready. I’ll… think about it, I suppose. Seeing that stuff, our stuff, all the time. I think that would be hard.”   
  
They nodded and dropped the subject, turning back to the TV.   
  
Later, Merlin woke slowly from his awkward position on the armchair to hear the sound of lips moving together, clothes rustling and a sudden gasp and then,   
  
“Stop,” Arthur groaned.   
  
Merlin held still in his position, feigning sleep.  
  
“He’s asleep Arthur,” Gwaine protested. “And I feel bad doing it in his  _bed_.”  
  
“But you’re comfortable doing it one metre away from him?”   
  
Merlin heard the sound of a zip doing up.   
  
“He’s hot.” Gwaine muttered.   
  
“What?”   
  
“Don’t tell me you aren’t attracted to him, at least a little bit, what with all the questions you’ve been asking Morgana about him lately.”   
  
“That was just healthy interest in who my sister is spending her time with!”   
  
Gwaine shushed him and then began to whisper furiously. “Bullshit Arthur, you couldn’t care less who Morgana hangs out with. You’re interested in  _him_ …”   
  
“Gwaine, I  _love you_.”   
  
There was silence for a long minute.   
  
“I know,” Gwaine said softly. “I know that, you’ve proven that to me over and over again, Arthur, don’t worry.”   
  
Merlin’s eyes watered, spilling onto his cheeks. He made no move to wipe the tears away.   
  
“I’m just concerned about him,” Arthur murmured. “He’s a friend, isn’t he?”   
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Alright?”   
  
“Yeah, Arthur. And I love you too, ya prat.” 

  


                                                        *                                      *                                  *  
  
First day back at work found Merlin staring at the tins of two different kinds of loose-leaf tea, lemon ginger and another mix called ‘Harmony’. He was completely, deceptively still, his gaze fixated on the two innocuous items, unable to hold back the onslaught of memories.  
  
 _Freya smiling, dancing as the kettle whistled, Merlin swaying with her, holding her hips, their woolen sock-covered feet slipping on the kitchen floor, his button-up shirt sliding of her shoulder, the taste of Freya’s skin as he kissed her neck...  
_ _  
…the subtle scent of ginger rising from the cup in Merlin’s hand as he cautiously opened the bedroom door and peered into the darkness, Freya’s body hidden beneath duvets as he lent down to whisper, ‘I’ve brought you some tea, love’ and placed it on the bedside table, her trembling hand reaching out from the blankets, catching his arm, her quiet, husky, ‘thank-you’ in reply.  
_ _  
_Gaius wrapped his arm around Merlin’s shoulder, guiding him to the cluttered backroom and onto the fraying embroidered couch where Merlin immediately closed his eyes and fell into a restless sleep. He was woken by Gwen’s fingers smoothing over his brow and then carding through his hair as she sat on the floor next to him. Merlin opened his eyes; Gwen’s face so close to his that he could make out the faint line of freckles across her nose.  
  
“We’ll try again tomorrow, then?”   
  
Merlin nodded and smiled as Gwen placed her hand on his cheek and kissed the top of his head.   
  
“Lets get home.”

  


                                                       *                                      *                                  *  
  
The flickering light of the TV was the only thing that kept the room from being pitch black as Merlin lay on the couch, one arm tucked under his head. Morgana and Gwen had already gone to bed, and Gwaine and Arthur were in the kitchen, muttering to each other.   
  
 _Freya would have loved this_. Merlin thought to himself.  _She would have loved us all living together_.   
  
Freya hadn’t had enough friends, Merlin could see that now. She had him, she had her mother, she had… acquaintances. And those people genuinely loved her, but they hadn’t been true friends. And maybe Merlin should have pushed harder for her to go out and meet more people, because she truly was a social person when she wasn’t in that dark place where Merlin was afraid to follow her. Maybe that was why she felt so alone.   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. Maybe… maybe he should have taken her around to meet more of his friends, instead of pushing his friends away. Maybe…   
  
He shook his head. It was a futile line of thought, because Merlin couldn’t go back and change all the things he wanted to change.  
  
A noise behind him distracted him and he sat up, turning around.   
  
Arthur’s back was to him, but Merlin could make out the slopes and planes of his muscles, the flexing of his arms as he pushed Gwaine against the wall, his lips on Gwaine’s, their legs entangled. Gwaine’s arms wrapped themselves around Arthur’s waist as Arthur took his face between his hands. The sound of heavy breaths and lips smacking together filled the room, and Merlin drew in a sharp breath that neither man heard.  
  
They were shifting, and Arthur’s lips were on Gwaine’s neck then, Gwaine’s head tilted back, eyes closed. And for the first time Merlin saw how sensual  _Gwaine_  was, the slope of neck, the beard that was growing along his jaw, the way his mouth parted slightly as Arthur murmured something into his ear. And then Arthur was moving again, taking Gwaine’s bottom lip between his teeth, biting, their noses bumping together and Merlin gasped as he saw Arthur’s tongue trace over Gwaine’s lips.   
  
Gwaine’s eyes opened slowly, lazily, and his smiled into Arthur’s kiss as he spotted Merlin. His eyes captivated Merlin, half-lidded with desire, heavy, staring at Merlin with something akin to… want. It scared Merlin, whose heart was beating too fast, whose ears were red and cheeks flushed and who  _wanted in return_.   
  
And then Gwaine looked away, closing his eyes as he deepened the kiss further, and Merlin stood up, moving out of the room as silently as he could. Away from them, away from the confusion of them, not noticing the way both men stopped  and watched his retreat.  
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
Arthur and Gwaine moved out after two weeks, and Merlin was unsure how to feel. Sure, there was a little bit of disappointment, because Gwaine and Arthur were fun. But they were also overwhelming and frightening and Merlin wasn’t ready for that yet. He wasn’t ready for the loaded glances they sent each other when they were alone with Merlin, or the fact that his heart started pounding and he wanted to impress them. He desperately wanted them to like him, and Merlin hadn’t wanted anything like that since his and Freya’s first date.   
  
He avoided going to their new house, but still smiled when they showed up uninvited for dinner, and still laughed at their jokes and still, at the end of the day, wanted them.   
  
 _You can’t_ , he thought to himself.  _You can’t_.   
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
“ _Hello?”  
_ _  
_“Hi Mel, it’s uh, it’s Merlin…” Merlin bit his lip, embarrassed by his own awkwardness, but Freya’s mother gasped.  
  
“I’m sorry about the voicemail!” she said immediately. “The crying one I mean. I was upset and I was home alone and I didn’t mean to call.”   
  
Merlin remembered how he’d clutched the phone and listened to her cry, wondering if she’d cried like this when her husband had died. “It’s okay… don’t worry, it’s fine. I was calling to see… if, uhm, if you’d like to go to have lunch, or something?”   
  
“Oh yes, love, definitely. Come over to mine and I’ll make something.”   
  
Merlin frowned. Mel’s house was at least 6 hours out of the city, and he didn’t have a car. “Um, okay,” he stuttered. “I’ll figure something out.”  
  
“What about next week? Wednesday? Come around 2 and we'll have afternoon tea.”   
  
Merlin nodded, then realised she couldn’t see him. “Sounds good.” 


	4. PART FOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

  
Merlin shuffled awkwardly on the footpath in front of the apartment, working up the courage to knock on the door. Finally he rolled his eyes at himself and pressed the button.    
  
“Hello?” a voice said over the intercom.   
  
“Oh hey, it’s Merlin.”   
  
“Come on up!” Merlin could tell it was Gwaine by the sheer level of enthusiasm in the response. He smiled.    
  
Merlin bounded up the stairs just as their door was opening. Gwaine was wearing nothing but a low slung pair of track pants as he leant against the door, and Merlin’s gaze travelled down from his face to his belly button and the trail of hair that led lower… he flushed and looked back up at Gwaine, who was smirking.    
  
“Come in then, Merrrrrlin.”   
  
Merlin shook his head and strode into the apartment. It was nice, two bedrooms with sleek modern furnishings and high-tech equipment – a huge TV and surround sound system, leather couches and a dark wood polished dining table. Merlin gaped.    
  
“Wow, you’ve done a lot with the place.”    
  
Gwaine laughed. “One of Arthur’s great joys, buying furniture.”    
  
Yet Merlin was somehow captivated by how homey it still felt, little touches of photographs and art and hand-sewn pieces that Merlin was sure had some significance. A picture of Arthur and Gwaine on the wall caught his attention. It was in black and white, and they were obviously not aware they were being photographed – they were in a coffee shop, hands twined together. Arthur looked exasperated as Gwaine was laughing uproariously. Merlin smiled. 

  
“Ah, Merlin, what brings you here?” Arthur asked as he strolled into the room. His hair was dripping water onto the collar of his shirt and it momentarily distracted Merlin.   
  
“Oh… I uh, wanted to ask a favour. See you’re the only one who has a car and I needed a lift to go and see Freya’s mum – I’m having lunch at her house and it’s kind of a big deal so I couldn’t say no. Could I possibly take the car? Or could you give me a lift?”   
  
Arthur smiled. “Sure, me and Gwaine will drop you off. Where is it?”   
  
Merlin's hands shook. “About half a day's ride out of the city, actually.”  
  
Half a day’s ride there, a whole day in the car with Arthur and Gwaine.   
  
"We should make a roadtrip out of it!" Gwaine said, excited.   
  
Arthur shrugged. "Sounds good to me. Are there motels or hotels near by? We can all stay the night and you can spend more time with...  
  
"Mel..." Merlin said faintly.   
  
"Yeah, Mel. You can have dinner with her, breakfast in the morning, something like that."  
  
"Right. Dinner. Breakfast. Meals… with Mel." Merlin felt in over his head. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.   
  
"This is going to be great!" Gwaine yelled, excited.

  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
Merlin couldn't breathe, his chest was tight, his hands shaking. The lounge room was spinning a little bit so he squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
"Morgana!" he called. But his voice broke, sounded choked and strained.   
  
"Morgana!" he yelled again.   
  
The sounds of footsteps, running, a panicked voice and then Morgana's arms were around him stroking his back, saying, "It's okay Merlin, just let it out, just let it out." Then a long pause. "Count with me, okay? Count with me. 1, 2, 3..."  
  
And on and on it went until finally Merlin was breathing, counting along with her, "42, 43..." He took a deep breath, still. Dried tear tracks were on his face and he felt weak... foolish.   
  
"What happened?" Morgana asked, her voice shaking. She sounded scared too. "You don't usually have panic attacks like that."  
  
Merlin shook his head. "Lucky you knew what to do."  
  
Morgana bit her lip. "Gwen gets them sometimes, when she gets overwhelmed."   
  
Merlin nodded.   
  
"I..." He took a deep breath. "I rang Mel."   
  
"Freya's mum?"  
  
"Yeah... she invited me to have tea with her at her house."  
  
"Oh." Morgana looked confused for a second. "How are you going to get there, doesn't she live ages away?"   
  
"Gwaine and... uh, Arthur are going to take me. Since they have a car and all. But uh, we're going to make a roadtrip or something out of it. Stay the night at a motel so I can spend more time with Mel. Get away from the city for a bit."  
  
Morgana nodded. "Is... is that what caused your attack?"   
  
Merlin leaned into her more, and Morgana tightened her hold on him. "I... I got overwhelmed. You and Gwen wont be there... and I haven’t seen Mel since the funeral and well.."  
  
"Arthur and Gwaine?"  
  
Merlin closed his eyes. "They frighten me."   
  
"Why?"  
  
"I can't explain it."   
  
"How about you try, for me."  
  
"They're, they're confusing. And nice to me. And they don’t pity me and they're fun."  
  
Morgana smiled. "See, not so scary."  
  
"I'm not even close to ready for anything like that."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like... I don't know, emotions."   
  
"God, you're such a guy sometimes Merlin." Morgana smiled then, full of teeth. "I think it's good."   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"They push you. They make you happy."  
  
Merlin nodded, looking away. Yes, they did make him happy.   
  
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *

  
“Have you got your toothbrush?”   
  
“ _Yes_ , Gwen.”  
  
“And your phone?”  
  
“ _Yes_.”   
  
“And your…”   
  
“Gwen, love, I’m sure Merlin is perfectly capable of packing his things for an overnight trip,” Morgana intervened. Merlin shot her a grateful look as Arthur and Gwaine sniggered in the car. Gwaine had already shot-gunned the front seat, much to Merlin’s disappointment.   
  
Morgana turned to him then, wrapping him up in her arms. “Have fun,” she said, smiling slightly, then let him go.   
  
Gwen wasn’t so restrained; she launched herself at Merlin, who staggered back in surprise. “Call me when you get there, and after you’ve talked to Mel, and tell me about the hotel, and oh god, before you leave so I know when to expect you back and…”  
  
“Breathe, Gwen,” Merlin said, laughing.   
  
Gwen wiped a tear away. “I’ll miss you.”   
  
Merlin rolled his eyes but then smiled gently at her, a warm feeling curling in his belly. “I will too. I love you guys, okay?”   
  
They nodded, hugging him again before he got in the car.   
  
As Arthur pulled away from the curb, Gwaine turning up the music obnoxiously loud, Merlin turned around to look at the girls. They were staring at the car, and as Merlin watched, Morgana wiped her eyes and bit her lip worriedly, before Gwen pulled her into her arms.  
  
Merlin turned back to face the road ahead of them.   
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
"Ooh ooh ooooh oh, ooh ooh oooh oh, talk don't change a thing! Oh it's fading fader!"   
  
"Oh for the love of god, please stop singing Gwaine," Arthur muttered, his hands gripping the steering wheels tightly and sending Merlin a pained look in the rear-vision mirror. Merlin grinned  
  
"WORDS DON'T SINK THEY SWIM!"   
  
Merlin laughed as Arthur's hand left the steering wheel and swung out to smack Gwaine in the side.   
  
"Ow, Jesus, what was that for!" Gwaine said indignantly, clutching his side.   
  
"For being a massive dick," Arthur muttered, looking out the window to cheek his blind spot before changing lanes.   
  
"You like my massive dick."   
  
Merlin choked on the juice he was drinking, half of it ending up on his now-stained shirt. He picked at it and sighed. "Thanks Gwaine."   
  
Gwaine laughed, leaning back against the headrest and giving Merlin an appraising look. "Sexy."  
  
Merlin rolled his eyes, then crossed his arms over his chest and looked out the window. It was only early morning still, dawn breaking over the horizon and casting shadows across the road, around trees and cars and Merlin looked behind them to glance at the city horizon. It was beautiful, to Merlin. It reminded him of Freya, of rooftops, of their lazy kisses.   
  
Merlin smiled and wound down his window.   
  
"Jesus, I'm freezing my bollocks off already here, Merlin, don't put the window down," Gwaine complained.   
  
"You don't need them anyway," Merlin said, laying his arm on the bottom of the window and resting his head, facing into the cold, biting breeze. He could feel his nose getting red and cheeks flush, and he laughed, breathless, like a child, and watched the road ahead of them.   
  
"I beg to differ," Arthur murmured, glancing at Gwaine, who waggled his eyebrows in response.  
  
Would Freya's mother be angry? Would she cry? Would... would she run outside to greet him like she used to do when he and Freya visited? Merlin closed his eyes.   
  
"So we thought that we'd drop you off and go looking around the town a bit," Arthur said. Merlin missed Arthur's worried glance in the rear-vision mirror as he sat up, startled.   
  
"You aren't coming in?" He bit his lip, gnawing it between his teeth. "I thought you guys were going to join us!"  
  
Gwaine turned around to face him. "We can come for lunch if you want. We just thought you'd want privacy, but if we're invited, then sure! I mean, if there's free food I'm guaranteed to be there, right?"   
  
Merlin nodded, looking back out the window. "Okay."   
  
Arthur glanced over at Gwaine and then back to the road. "What's she like then, Freya's mum?"  
  
Merlin sighed. "Her name’s Mel. Don't call her Freya's mum, that would be..."  
  
"Cruel," Arthur supplied.   
  
"Yeah. She looks like Freya though, I suppose. And she sounds just like her, it's uncanny. She's a single mother... well, she was one I suppose." Merlin faltered and bit his lip. "She's really nice... you'll like her. You would've liked Freya. Freya would have liked you too; she liked flirting with handsome men."   
  
There was a long pause, then Gwaine's cheeky, "So we're handsome, are we?"  
  
Merlin blushed as Arthur smirked.   
  
Then Gwaine turned around, "What did Freya look like, then?"   
  
"Why are you so interested in her anyway?" Merlin snapped, wringing his hands together. He took a deep breath. The question didn't sound... challenging, or jealous, or any of the things Merlin had initially interpreted as. It sounded... curious.   
  
Arthur was steadfastly watching the road. "She's a part of you," he said. "And we're... friends, right?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"So we want to... know her. Because that helps us know you. And because she sounds..."   
  
"Interesting," Gwaine supplied, with a glance and Arthur.   
  
Merlin sighed, reaching into the bag next to him and pulling out his phone. "There’s... there’s a picture of us on there. In... in images. I already took down the one on the lock screen because, well." Merlin didn't finish the sentence, handing the phone over to Gwaine who went straight into images and flicked through the pictures.   
  
"Is that her?" he asked, holding the phone out to Merlin. 

  


Merlin intended to take a tiny glance at the picture - the smallest glance before looking away. But as soon as he caught a sight of the picture it was like... like no time had passed at all. Freya's smile as she pressed her face against Merlin's, squeezing into photo taken on Merlin's iphone. Her bright eyes, the dimples in her red cheeks, her dark hair tucked back behind her ears. And Merlin's face - grinning, looking at her. He'd taken that three days before she'd... died, and Merlin remembers how happy they were, how ridiculously happy they were, for the first time in a long time. It all came crashing down pretty quickly, though, hadn't it? Merlin tried not to be bitter, and looked away from the picture.   
  
"Yeah, that's her."   
  
"She's gorgeous," Gwaine said, showing the picture to Arthur and scrolling through more, through the full bodied shots of Merlin and Freya, taken by others, taken by Freya's mum, at functions. Their life, together, reduced to photographs and memories and...  
  
"Give me that back now," Merlin said, practically snatching the phone off of Gwaine and throwing it into his bag.   
  
"She was beautiful, Merlin."  
  
Merlin sighed then, anger and panic draining out of him, tired again. "Yeah, yeah, she was."  
  
But that wasn't all she was. She was so much more... so many puzzle pieces that didn't always fit together, so much vibrancy trapped with so much sadness.   
  
"She liked rooftops," Merlin said quietly. "She liked to watch the sun set, and I would sit with her on the rooftop of our apartment building, and watch her, and watch the sun on her face, and it sounds stupid but... I just, I really loved her."   
  
"Was she your first love?" Arthur asked, glancing in the rear-vision mirror at Merlin again.   
  
Merlin sighed. "Sort of, well, yes I suppose. My first proper love."   
  
"What was her favourite colour?" Gwaine asked then.   
  
And somehow, like that, it was easy. Facts about Freya poured out of him - her favourite Doctor Who episode, that white dress that drove Merlin mad, her jewellery, her art, clubbing with Freya, eating breakfast with Freya. And they stayed away from all the hard topics, but he still felt lighter, talking about Freya like this, sharing all the adventures they'd gotten up to, and for the first time since Freya had died, he could tell these stories without remembering that there'd been no happy ending.    
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
Freya's mother hadn't run to the car as soon as it pulled up like she used to, but she was waiting for them at the door as they walked up the front path.   
  
Merlin had to take a deep breath and remind himself that it wasn't Freya there, standing at the door. She looked so much like Freya though - the same brown eyes and cheekbones, and the same long, dark hair. But there were lines on her face that hadn't been on Freya's, and grey in her frazzled hair, and her nose was much skinnier that Freya’s had been. Merlin had to keep reminding himself of their differences, not their similarities.    
  
Arthur's hand on the small of his back urged him forward, and Merlin's heart beat faster.   
  
"Merlin," Mel greeted warmly, opening her arms for a hug. There were dark circles under her eyes, and her lips were dry and chapped-looking. She looked older. Merlin wondered if she was thinking the same thing about him. "Lovely to see you."   
  
Merlin stepped forward into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her. The hug went on for a second too long, when Merlin tightened his hold a fraction before letting go.   
  
He took a deep breath. "Mel, these are my friends Arthur and Gwaine."   
  
Mel stepped forward and shook each of their hands. "Hi! I'm Freya's..." Her expression faltered. "I mean... I was Freya's mother."  
  
Merlin's chest tightened and this time it was Gwaine's hand that offered support, resting on his shoulder.   
  
"I don't think that should be past tense, ma'am. I still consider myself the son of Igraine, even though she's passed on," Arthur said respectfully. Merlin hadn't even known his mother had died, and he felt an inordinate amount of guilt until Arthur smiled gently in his direction, just briefly, but enough to settle the matter, for now.   
  
Mel looked flustered for a second, but then she sighed. "You're right, of course. Let’s try again shall we?" She held out her hand to Arthur, who shook it. "Hi, I'm Freya's mother."   
  
Arthur smiled. "I'm Igraine's son."   
  
"Nice to meet you."   
  
"You too."   
  
Merlin grinned as Mel looked more relaxed. She turned back to Merlin, wrapping an arm around his waist and leading him into the house.   
  
"Come in, come in. I've made enough food to feed a whole cavalry, and you're far too skinny, Merlin." 

 

                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
While Merlin coped with losing Freya by hiding her things for a little while, pictures not displayed, pieces of clothing not worn, Freya's mother had done the opposite. Merlin lost his breath when he walked into the house, the photos of Freya on the walls, on the mantlepiece, on shelves next to books and on side tables. Presents Freya had given her mum - presents that Merlin had helped pick out, were all displayed, and for the first time Merlin noticed that Mel was wearing a necklace Freya had made herself.   
  
"You alright?" Arthur asked quietly, his breath against Merlin's ear. Merlin nodded, and Gwaine touched his shoulder again, briefly, and then they followed Mel into the house.  
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
Gwaine was rubbing his stomach in a very satisfied, unmannered style, leaning back in his chair.  
  
"Lunch was lovely, Mel," he said, sounding content. Arthur rolled his eyes as Mel blushed slightly.   
  
She shrugged. "I like cooking."   
  
There was a long silence for the first time that afternoon. For Merlin, it felt filled with all the things that hadn't been said - things like Freya's disease, and Freya's suicide, and all the history that lay between them now, unresolved. Lunch instead had been filled with trivialities - Gwaine talking about his music, Arthur about his father’s law firm and why he'd quit. And Mel had talked about gardening, about her tomato patch, about everything except the obvious.   
  
"Do you think Freya had bipolar?" he blurted.  
  
Everyone went very still. In fact, it seemed to Merlin that the whole world was still - no more gentle breeze coming in, no more birds twittering outside, nothing except Merlin's own harsh breathing, and the shake of Mel's hands. It was a cruel question, but Merlin couldn't avoid it, couldn't avoid the implications of it.   
  
"I don't know," Mel whispered. "She was diagnosed with depression just before you two met but... I always thought it was bipolar."  
  
"Why didn't you get a second opinion?" And god, that sounded like such an accusation, and Merlin wasn't sure if he was truly angry at Mel, or if he was angry at himself or if... or if he was angry at Freya.   
  
"She... she didn't want to go to the doctors again."   
  
"Well you should have damn well made her!" Merlin shouted.   
  
Arthur rested a hand on Merlin's leg as Gwaine shifted in his seat, looking unsettled.   
  
"Merlin..." Mel looked so tired, so bone-weary, that Merlin faltered.   
  
"Sorry. I..."   
  
"I know, love, I know."   
  
And like that, all of a sudden, Merlin started crying.   
  
Mel gathered Merlin in her arms, and Merlin was reminded of his own mother, which made him cry harder. She led him to the couch where they sat together, both crying now, Mel's tears dripping onto his forehead as she cradled him. And Arthur and Gwaine came and joined them, sitting behind Merlin, hands rubbing Merlin's back, through his hair, words that Merlin didn't understand.   
  
"She didn't like the medicine," Merlin said. "She said it made her feel empty, like there was no such thing as love, or life. I tried... I tried so hard to get her to try different ones, until we found one that made her feel normal, but..."   
  
"Freya was too stubborn, Merlin. I loved her very dearly, but she was too stubborn, and sometimes I think maybe she thought she could live with it, the ups and the downs."   
  
Merlin rubbed his eyes. "Would it have saved her, proper medication? A proper diagnosis?"   
  
Mel looked away, and was silent for a long time. "I don't know," she choked out, finally. "I don't know.   
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
The car was silent on the way to the hotel room, no laughter, no music.   
  
“She was nice,” Gwaine said quietly, leaning around to peer at Merlin.   
  
“Yeah,” Merlin said numbly. “She’s always nice. Even when things are shit.”   
  
“Merlin…” Arthur’s voice was gentle, and it reminded him so much of Morgana for a second that he wanted to cry.   
  
“I shouldn’t have made her cry.”  
  
“It wasn’t your fault.”   
  
“But I shouldn’t have brought it up.”   
  
“You both needed to talk about it.”   
  
Merlin rubbed his temples, sighing. “How far away is the motel?”  
  
“Not long, 10 minutes,” Arthur answered. His hands were tight on the steering wheel, but they relaxed when Gwaine rested his hand on his knee.   
  
They didn’t talk again until they reached the motel.   
  
Arthur checked in as Gwaine and Merlin handled the bags.   
  
“Rooms 8 and 9!” Arthur called out to them, so they started lugging the bags up the stairs.   
  
Arthur met them there.   
  
“Here’s your key,” he said to Merlin, handing it over. “You’re number 9. It’s not connected to ours so you’ll have to knock on our front door if you want anything.”   
  
“I won’t need anything,” Merlin said, looking away.   
  
Arthur rested his hand on the small of Merlin’s back, heavy, and Merlin stilled his breath.   
  
“We’re right next door, Merlin,” he said.   
  
“Please come in, if you need us,” Gwaine added.   
  
Merlin reluctantly nodded, then escaped into his room, his lips quivering.  
  
  
                                                        *                                       *                                   *  
  
 _Merlin’s hands were shaking slightly around his cup of tea but inside he felt like a violent storm, churning, bucking, twisting, a hurricane of questions and fears and doubts._  
  
 _Freya reached out, carefully, and wrapped her hands around Merlin’s._  
  
 _Merlin looked away, ashamed. “I… I don’t know what to say.”_  
  
 _Freya smiled slightly, an eyebrow raising and the corner of her lip turning up. “You must have questions,” she said. “Ask them.”_  
  
 _“So… you have depression.”_  
  
 _Freya’s smile turned into a full on grin, and it made something unclench in Merlin, just a little, because this was_ Freya _, just Freya. And why was he looking at her so differently? Merlin forced himself to relax._  
  
 _“Right, yes, ok we’ve established that,” he said. “I’ve got… I’ve got a list of questions, hold on.”  
_ _  
And maybe it was stupid but Merlin had googled all he could, everything, because he wanted to help and to understand. He took the sheet of paper out of his pocket._

  
_“So you’ve been diagnosed?” He asked._  
  
 _“About 6 months before we met,” she said, her eyes looking far away. “I’d been having… mood swings. Not wanting to get up. Not wanting to do anything, really.” She looked serious now, her brown hair tied in a ponytail, her eyes wide. “I still get like that, sometimes. Do you understand?”_  
  
 _“Yes,” Merlin said quietly._  
  
 _“And sometimes I cry a lot.”_  
  
 _“Okay.” Merlin said, taking his hand in hers. Her fingers were cold, and Merlin gripped them tightly._  
  
 _“And… and sometimes I can’t remember who I love. Or why I love them. Or why I love anything, really.”_  
  
 _“Freya,” Merlin said, quietly. “Freya, it’s okay.”_  
  
 _She nodded, swallowing a few times._  
  
 _“You must have more questions,” she said after a few minutes._  
  
 _“You’ve never tried to…”_  
  
 _“No.”_  
  
 _Merlin let out a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding, something in his chest loosening._  
  
 _“Are you on medication?”_  
  
 _This time Freya frowned to herself. “No.”_  
  
 _“Oh.”_  
  
 _She looked at him, really looked at him, her brown eyes piercing, her eyebrows raised. “You disagree?”_  
  
 _“Not at all! I mean, I work at a herbalist store, I know natural remedies can sometimes be just as good but… did you try them?”_  
  
 _Freya’s hands tightened around his. “Yes. They… they weren’t good. I tried a few different ones, but… the first bunch just made me feel nauseous all the time, and anxious. With the second ones I gained a lot of weight, and the nausea kept up. The third ones I just… they made me feel_ nothing _. I wasn’t despairing, I wasn’t happy, I was just… nothing. Those ones frightened me. I looked elsewhere.”_  
  
 _And Merlin wanted to say that maybe she should try more, see more doctors, because three tries wasn’t… wasn’t enough. He knew medicine, he knew that sometimes these things need to be adjusted perfectly to suit the patient. But Freya sounded adamant, and it was something he could bring up later, when he’d gotten to know both her and her disease better._  
  
 _“I can… look into more natural remedies, if you want?” he offered instead._  
  
 _Freya smiled. “I’d like that,” she said._  
  
 _Later, when they’d talked themselves out, Freya stood, suddenly coy and inviting, her hands entwined with Merlin’s._  
  
 _“Enough talk. I can think of better things to do with our mouths.”_  
  
 _Merlin laughed. “That was corny.”_  
  
 _She winked. “It worked though,” she said, leading him into the bedroom._

 

                                                        *                                       *                                   *

_Merlin tapped his fingers on the counter of the store restlessly, eyeing the herbal products on the shelves – the teas, the dried herbs, the naturopath tablets, the sleep remedies and the ointments. Was there a treatment here for Freya? And what was it that they were actually treating? He’d yet to see Freya in her… depression. Would it be frightening? Merlin could barely admit it to himself yet… but he was scared of what would happen, of what the future would bring. He needed to help her.  
_ _  
“Merlin if you don’t stop that_ incessant _tapping I will throw you out of this store.”  
_ _  
Merlin straightened up, startled, but then relaxed. “You would miss me too much, Gaius,” he said with a grin, leaning back down against the counter.  
_ _  
Gaius smiled back, but then his expression settled into something more serious. “So what’s wrong?” he asked.  
_ _  
Merlin frowned. “Who said anything was wrong?”  
_ _  
Gaius laughed. “You’re tapping, glancing around the store too often to be actually checking for customers and you’ve got that face on.”  
_ _  
“What face?”  
_ _  
“The scared, ‘I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to ask for help’ face.”  
_ _  
“That’s a very specific face to be making Gaius, are you sure you aren’t misinterpreting it?”  
_ _  
“Pretty sure.”  
_ _  
“I mean, I could be… passing wind.”  
_ _  
“Really Merlin?”  
_ _  
“Just a thought.”  
_ _  
Gaius rolled his eyes then. “Now that you’ve unsuccessfully tried to deflect from the topic, will you tell me what’s actually wrong?”  
_ _  
“I need some advice.”  
_ _  
“What kind of advice?”  
_ _  
“About… medicinal products.”  
_ _  
Gaius’s hand felt heavy as he placed it on Merlin’s shoulder.  
_ _  
“Merlin, be serious with me please.” His eyes were solemn underneath his heavy eyebrows, his mouth in a tense line.  
_ _  
Merlin sighed and looked away. “Remember that girl who came in here a few months back… the one you teased me about?”  
_ _  
Gaius frowned. “With the brown hair?”  
_ _  
Merlin nodded. “I’m sort of, kind of dating her now.”  
_ _  
“Well, that’s good isn’t it?”  
_ _  
Merlin stared at him for a long second, and Gaius’s voice was gentle as he asked, “Is there something wrong?”  
_ _  
“She has depression.”  
_ _  
The store was quiet, empty, filled only with Merlin’s own harsh breathing.  
_ _  
“Don’t tell anyone!” Merlin added quickly. “Especially Morgana and Gwen. You know how they are.”  
_ _  
Gaius pulled Merlin into a hug then, releasing him quickly. “It isn’t going to be easy for you, Merlin.”  
_ _  
Merlin shrugged. “That’s okay.”  
_ _  
“She seemed like a lovely girl,” Gaius said quietly.  
_ _  
“She is.”  
_ _  
“So you want help with some herbal remedies?”  
_ _  
Merlin looked up, studying Gaius’s face. There was no judgement, no scorn, no overbearing worry. Just quiet acceptance. And maybe that’s why Gaius was the only person that Merlin could tell. Because Gaius was like his father, and because he knew Gaius, knew that Gaius would let Merlin make up his own mind and just try to assist him when possible.  
_ _  
“I would like that,” Merlin said with a smile.  
_ _  
_*                                       *                                   *  
  
 _Gaius’s hands were moving steadily as he deposited pills in little bags and labelled them for Freya.  
_ _  
“St John’s Wort,” he said, “I’ve given it to you in 300mg capsule form so have it three times a day. I can get it for you in tea form though, if you’d prefer that.”  
_ _  
Freya nodded, concentrating.  
_ _  
“It can sometimes increase photosensitivity in fair-skinned people, so extra caution should be taken to protect skin and eyes from sunlight,” he added.  
_ _  
He handed the bag over to her, and she put it carefully in her handbag.  
_ _  
“Now, fish oil tablets, pretty standard. Omega-3 fatty acids are a type of good fat needed for normal brain function, so that should help a bit.” He handed those to her. “Try those for now. You probably won’t see results until you’ve been taking them for 4 to 6 weeks. And remember to keep a really healthy diet filled with lots of vitamins, of course.”  
_ _  
Freya smiled then, reaching up to touch Gaius’s cheek. “Thank you,” she said, her voice sounding small but hopeful.  
_ _  
Merlin nodded in agreement behind her, hoping that his eyes conveyed how much this meant to him.  
_ _  
*                                       *                                   *  
_ _  
The only light was from the moonlight, streaming in through the window and making the whole room feel eerie, shadowed and haunted.  
_ _  
Merlin crept in quietly, like he was intruding, even though it was his own home.  
_ _  
“Hello?” he called out.  
_ _  
The floorboards creaked beneath him.  
_ _  
“Anyone here?”  
_ _  
There was a noise in the bathroom, and Merlin turned in that direction, slowly. A sense of foreboding fell upon him, his hands clenching and his footsteps coming faster.  
_ _  
And then he wrenched the bathroom door open, and there was Freya, her wrists bloodied, her dark hair splayed out on the tiled floor. But then as he squinted, moved closer, he could see it was Morgana lying there, her face lax, and then it was Gwen, then Gwaine, his arms splayed, and then finally Arthur, his blue eyes wide and unseeing…  
_ _  
_Merlin woke suddenly, all at once, his mind clear. There was no confusion, no reaching out for Freya, and it made something inside him clench painfully.  
  
He threw his blankets off and got out of bed, biting his lip and grabbing his room key.  
  
“Arthur! Gwaine!” he yelled, knocking hard on their door.   
  
He heard the sound of items banging around and swearing, then the door was wrenched open.   
  
“Are you okay?” Arthur was asking, breathing fast.   
  
Merlin stepped forward, into their room, facing Arthur.    
  
“I need...” He faltered, unsure, and then Gwaine was there, pressing his mouth to Merlin’s ear and rubbing his back.  
  
“What do you need?” Gwaine asked, his voice low and reassuring.   
  
Arthur took Merlin’s face in his hands, and Merlin clenched the fabric of Arthur’s shirt in his fist, feeling his heart beat beneath his hand.  
  
Nothing was certain, was it? Nothing in life was sure - something could happen to Morgana and Gwen while he wasn’t there, or Arthur and Gwaine. They could be unhappy, afraid, they could  _need_  him. Need him like Freya needed him. And maybe that was the crux of it, that he’d loved Freya and she needed him but he couldn’t help her, he couldn't keep her alive. And it showed how... fragile, the world was. How uncertain. And as Merlin stood between these two men, all he wanted was a reminder that the world was still moving and people were still  _alive_.  
  
Merlin felt Arthur’s breath on his face, slow and steady, and he pressed closer, their lips hovering over each other’s, and all Merlin had to do was lean forward and  _take them_...   
  
“I need  _you_.”   
  
Merlin felt Gwaine hands run along his back again, and Arthur licked his lips.   
  
The need to press  _closer_  urged him on.  
  
Arthur brought his hands up to Merlin’s face, thumbs swiping along his cheekbones, his nose, and then his lips. Gwaine pressed a kiss to his ear.   
  
“We’re right here, Merlin,” he murmured.   
  
Merlin turned to Gwaine then, seeking the warmth in his eyes, the warmth in his body and the comfort he offered. And not for the first time, he wanted him. And so, slowly, Merlin took what he wanted and lent forward and kissed him.   
  
Gwaine’s stubble was rough against Merlin’s cheek, his lips dry as they captured Merlin’s bottom lip. Merlin gasped as Gwaine’s tongue traced over his lips. Gwaine’s hand came up to cup Merlin’s cheek and Merlin pulled back, startled.   
  
“I'm sorry!” he said, his eyes wide, looking between the two men. “I shouldn’t have done that!”   
  
But then Arthur was there; his hands on Merlin’s hips, pressing a gentle kiss to the nape of Merlin’s neck, his long body pressed against Merlin’s back.   
  
“It’s okay, Merlin.”  
  
Gwaine smiled at Merlin’s dumbfounded expression and pressed up against him, his chest against Merlin’s, his hands on Merlin’s face as he kissed him.   
  
Merlin felt hot, too hot, his cheeks and neck flushed as Arthur hitched up his t- shirt, his fingers running over Merlin’s stomach. Gwaine’s lips were sliding against his, nibbling at his bottom lip, and Merlin was finding it hard to concentrate as the three of them edged closer to the bed. Merlin broke off the kiss as Arthur pulled Merlin’s shirt off, quickly taking his own off as well. Gwaine laughed and followed suit, and Merlin stared open-mouthed at his abs, his erection throbbing. Merlin swallowed heavily as they all pressed together again, Arthur’s erection digging into him from behind, his own erection rubbing against Gwaine’s thigh.   
  
Arthur pressed a kiss to Merlin’s neck, then his shoulder, biting and sucking, leaving marks in his wake.  
  
“Are you sure about this?” Gwaine asked, taking in Merlin’s expression.   
  
Merlin nodded, grateful for the question, and wrapped his arms around Gwaine, stroking the planes of his back, tracing his spine and placing a kiss under his ear. Gwaine moaned.   
  
Arthur shifted, lifting his arm to cup the back of Gwaine’s head, pulling him in for a kiss over Merlin’s shoulder, slowly, reassuringly. They pulled apart, gasping, and Gwaine’s eyes were heavy with desire as he looked back at Merlin. Arthur pressed another kiss to the back of Merlin’s neck.   
  
Merlin groaned, overwhelmed by the feeling of two hard bodies around him, bucking against Gwaine’s thigh and hearing Arthur stifle his own groan as Merlin shifted back against him.   
  
“Go lie down on the bed,” Arthur said quietly. “We want to make you feel good.”   
  
Merlin tried to shake his nerves as he nodded, untangling himself from the two men and sliding onto the bed, leaning back against the headboard.   
  
Merlin bit his lip “I’ve never...”  
  
Arthur sat down on the bed next to Merlin. “Never with a man? I thought...”   
  
Merlin shook his head.   
  
“Okay,” Arthur breathed.   
  
“Thank god for King beds,” Gwaine said, jumping on the end of the bed and making the whole thing shake. Merlin laughed.   
  
“Now how about we take these off?” Gwaine asked, indicating Merlin’s track bottoms.   
  
Merlin nodded, moaning as the fabric dragged along his erection, bucking his hips into the air desperately. He didn’t dare look at either man, feeling strangely vulnerable in his nakedness.   
  
“Hey,” Arthur said from next to him. He leant down to press a kiss against Merlin’s lips for the first time for that night. They glided over Merlin’s smoothly, tasting faintly of chapstick, making Merlin smile. He could feel Arthur’s eyelashes on his cheek, the barely-noticeable stubble against his jaw. Arthur broke the kiss. “You’re beautiful.”  
  
Merlin smiled up at Arthur. “You too,” he said, blushing.   
  
Arthur laughed, standing and taking off his pants. His cock was hard, not as long as Merlin’s but thicker.   
  
Merlin looked down at Gwaine, who had also managed to take his pants off without anyone noticing.   
  
These two men were ridiculously beautiful – sculpted where Merlin was soft, tanned where Merlin was pale. Merlin groaned at the sight of them, arousal hitting him like a wave, bucking his hips into the air again. “Please...” he murmured.   
  
Gwaine crawled closer to Merlin and Arthur, resting a hand on Merlin’s hip, stilling him, tantalisingly close to where Merlin really wanted him. Merlin arched into his touch and Gwaine laughed.   
  
“Let us make you feel good,” he said, repeating Arthur’s words, before leaning down and taking Merlin’s erection in his mouth. Merlin groaned, both at Gwaine’s words, which ignited a strange tenderness and longing in him, as well as the tongue he was swirling around the head of Merlin’s cock.  
  
“He’s good at that,” Arthur murmured into his ear, his breath hot. “He loves it too.”   
  
Gwaine gripped the base of Merlin’s erection, and Arthur silenced Merlin’s cry with a deep kiss, their tongues sliding together, breathing hard through their noses. They pulled apart, and Merlin couldn’t tear his eyes away from the soft, gentle look in Arthur’s eyes, even as he bucked up into Gwaine’s mouth. Then Arthur smirked, kissing slowly down the column of Merlin’s neck, then lower, his tongue flicking Merlin’s nipples, down his stomach and joining Gwaine. Both men looked up at him and Merlin tried not to feel overwhelmed at the... want in their eyes - something greater than lust, something more like longing. Gwaine released Merlin’s cock and Merlin groaned, watching as the two men shared a kiss.  
  
“Where’s the lube?” Gwaine murmured to Arthur.   
  
“Side pocket of my bag,” Arthur replied.   
  
He nodded, and Arthur pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth before Gwaine slid off the bed in search of the lube.   
  
Merlin felt his heart skip a beat as Arthur smiled up at him slyly, looking at him from underneath his eyelashes. His blonde hair flopped in front of his eyes, and his lips were red and swollen.  
  
“We want to take care of you, Merlin,” he murmured.   
  
Arthur leant down slowly, still looking up at Merlin, and licked a stripe from the base of Merlin’s cock to the head, dipping his tongue into the precome that pooled there. He sunk his mouth down onto Merlin’s cock suddenly, taking Merlin in farther than even Gwaine had, and this time Merlin couldn’t still his hips, bucking up into the tight, wet heat of Arthur’s mouth.   
  
Merlin felt his body tightening, and his fingers clutched at the sheet. He was embarrassingly close to finishing when Gwaine strolled back into the room and Arthur pulled off his erection. Merlin gasped desperately, throwing an arm over his face.   
  
“Not yet,” Arthur said, his voice low and husky. Merlin bit his lip and removed his arm when he heard the sound of the lube being opened.   
  
“We’ll go slow,” Gwaine reassured. He was stroking his erection, his eyes wide and watching as Arthur covered his fingers in lube.   
  
Slowly, almost too slowly, Arthur slid a finger into Merlin, who hissed at the cold.  
  
“Sorry,” Arthur murmured.   
  
“S’okay.”   
  
Merlin felt odd, and Arthur added a second finger quickly. Gwaine moved then, taking Merlin’s erection in his own hand, stroking slowly. Merlin groaned, his voice gravelly, moved by the fact that these two men  _wanted_  him to take his pleasure, thinking not for themselves but  _him_.  
  
Arthur’s fingers were thrusting in and out, slow at first but picking up speed, and Merlin pushed back against his hand. Gwaine’s tongue started to lap up the precome, and he took Merlin’s cock in his mouth again.  
  
“So good,” Merlin gasped, throwing his head back, bucking into Gwaine’s mouth and then back down onto Arthur’s fingers, which were hitting a spot inside him that his body tighten. He was so close. Merlin opened his eyes and looked at the two men - the way they were responding to his body, the way they were  _intent_  on his body. Merlin bit his lip.  
  
Arthur added a third finger then, and this time Merlin winced, and stilled slightly. Arthur followed his cues, and slowed the pace of his thrusts.   
  
“You okay?” Arthur asked.   
  
Merlin nodded but looked away, more uncertain than before. Arthur was being so... loving, he supposed. Gentle. Merlin’s breath caught, and he bit his lip again.  
  
Arthur’s fingers stretched him open slowly, thrusting in and out, scissoring, and Merlin thrust helplessly back. Gwaine released Merlin’s erection, kissing his hipbone and stroking his own cock as he watched Merlin and Arthur, his gaze making a blush crawl down Merlin’s neck.  
  
Gwaine smiled then, swiping his thumb over Merlin’s bottom lip, releasing them from Merlin’s gnawing teeth. “You’ll bite right through,” he said gently.  
  
Then Arthur removed his fingers, and Gwaine helped him roll a condom onto his cock, and Merlin’s lips trembled as he watched Gwaine stroke lube onto Arthur’s erection.   
  
And Gwaine was holding Merlin’s hand, kissing the side of Merlin’s neck, and Arthur was there, pressing into him, slowly, slowly and…  
  
 _What am I doing?  
  
_ This was more than sex, more than the nameless faces he’d been with after Freya. He wanted to take comfort from these men, he  _wanted_  them, more than he’d ever wanted anyone since Freya. And they wanted him in return, wanted to care for him and make  _him_  feel good and that... that was scary.   
  
There was pain, of course there was pain. Merlin had expected it, and it was bearable, manageable. But suddenly his mind was slightly clearer, and he looked at the two men who were so intent on his pleasure – so intent on him, and was suddenly completely overwhelmed.   
  
 _What am I doing?  
  
_ He closed his eyes and suddenly Freya’s voice was in his ear.   
  
 _‘Harder Merlin,’ she gasped. ‘Harder!’  
  
_ And then the women he had taken home, just for a night, each sounding different, with different bodies and wants and finally Merlin realised that this act - what they were doing now, was  _much bigger than that_. That he was delving into something that he might not be ready for.  
  
“Stop,” Merlin murmured suddenly, looking away.   
  
He was absurdly grateful that Arthur immediately heard him, immediately responded to Merlin’s dying erection, and pulled out slowly.   
  
“Hey, hey,” Gwaine said, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s lips gently. “Are you okay?”   
  
Merlin turned back to see the two men gazing worriedly at him. “M’sorry,” he said. “I just… I just got overwhelmed.”   
  
Gwaine brushed the hair from Merlin’s forehead. “That’s okay,” he said. “We’ll stop, okay? Did you want to stop?”   
  
Merlin sighed, “Yeah, I’m… I’m sorry.”   
  
He was ridiculously embarrassed; the tips of his ears red and a blush spreading down his chest.   
  
Arthur put his hand on Merlin’s hip, and looked at him seriously. “Trust me, Merlin, I would rather we stopped now than any of us regret it later.”   
  
“I don’t… I don’t regret anything, I just… not yet. Everything was happening too fast and it felt  _good_ , but…”   
  
“I know, Merlin,” Arthur said, smiling at him gently.   
  
Merlin was tired, his arousal having completely left him. He could see that both Arthur and Gwaine were still hard, and bit his lip, feeling guilty.   
  
Gwaine got up then, going into the bathroom and coming back out with a warm flannel.   
  
“Let’s clean you up then,” he said gently, wiping the cloth along Merlin’s thighs as Arthur deposited the condom in the bin.   
  
Later, when the room was pitch black, the three of them under the covers and pressed together, legs entwined, Merlin wondered what he had gotten himself into. What he’d started, coming to these two men for comfort –  _wanting_  these two men. He may have stopped the sex midway, but he still  _wanted_  them. He still burned when they touched them, and still thought that the sex had been ridiculously hot, arousal curling deep within his belly at the thought of Gwaine and Arthur’s mouths on him. He just wasn’t ready, and his chest ached fondly that Arthur and Gwaine had recognised that, had responded to that, and weren’t mad – were instead holding him close, reassuring. 


	5. PART FIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

Merlin was curled up in blankets when he woke, the bed empty. He felt strangely contented – his body aching, and he realised that for the first time since before Freya had died he’d woken up with an erection, the memories of last night making his breath quicken. He’d been overwhelmed, yes, and it had been scary, but a good kind of scary. Like he was on the verge of something new.  
  
Merlin kept still as he heard Arthur and Gwaine’s voices.   
  
“I… I don’t know what we’re doing.”   
  
“Arthur…,” Gwaine’s voice was gentle.   
  
“I didn’t… It’s not like before, it’s not!”   
  
Merlin heard rustling, someone moving across the room.   
  
“I know it’s not, because this time you  _love_  me, and this time we’re secure in our relationship and we know  _exactly_  who we are. Us being with Merlin… that’s a far cry from you sleeping around when you were confused about what you wanted.”   
  
“I don’t understand what we’re doing, Gwaine!” Arthur sounded frustrated, angry.   
  
“And that’s something that all three of us should talk about… together.”   
  
“This isn’t a one time thing, is it?” Arthur asked then, his voice suddenly shaky for the first time Merlin could remember, and strangely it reassured him. Because Arthur and Gwaine, they had the same doubts and fears that he did.   
  
“I don’t know,” Gwaine said. “We’ll have to figure that out.”   
  
“But I love  _you_ , Gwaine.”   
  
“I love you too,” Gwaine said, “but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to love someone else as well.”   
  
Merlin held his breath.   
  
“I know you’re scared,” Gwaine continued. “It’s confusing for all of us, this thing we have going on. When we get back home, I’ve decided we’re all going to have a long talk.”   
  
“You’ve  _decided_  have you?”   
  
Merlin could hear the smugness in Gwaine’s tone. “I’m being responsible here.”   
  
Arthur sighed. “God help us if  _you’re_  the responsible one.”   
  
Suddenly both men fell silent, and Merlin could  _feel_  their stares on him. He peeked over the top of the blanket, seeing both men looking at him with their hands on their hips. Gwaine was barely holding in his laughter.  
  
“Hello,” Merlin said sheepishly, as Arthur raised an eyebrow at him.   
  
“Morning,” Gwaine said cheerily.   
  
“Is it a habit of yours to listen to people’s conversations by pretending to sleep?”  
  
Merlin grinned. “Yes, actually,” he said, flinging the blankets down.   
  
Arthur rolled his eyes but grinned in return.   
  
 _*                                       *                                   *_  
  
The three of them visited Mel again before they left, Merlin feeling calmer than he had in days… weeks.   
  
He was strangely ready for the future, ready for what would happen. Because nothing could happen without his consent, without talking first, without no meaning no and yes meaning yes and for the first time Merlin felt like he’d gained some control over his life.   
  
“I miss her,” he said to Mel, before he left.   
  
“I miss her too,” Mel said, wrapping an arm around Merlin’s shoulder. “And I don’t think we’ll ever stop missing her, and that’s okay, don’t you think?”   
  
Merlin nodded, leaning into the older woman. “Yeah… I think that’s okay.”   
  
He glanced over at Arthur and Gwaine, who were loading the car with the leftover food that Mel had given them. Mel followed his gaze.   
  
“They’re nice boys, those two,” she said.   
  
Merlin nodded.   
  
“Keep them around Merlin, okay?”   
  
He smiled. “I suppose I will.”   
  
 _*                                       *                                   *_  
  


Merlin lugged his bag up the stairs to Morgana and Gwen’s apartment, Arthur laughing the entire way up.   
  
“God you’re useless Merlin. One bag! Just one! And you’re huffing and puffing like a girl.”   
  
“Don’t let Morgana hear you say things like that,” Merlin replied, rolling his eyes as Arthur did bicep curls with the three bags he was holding in each hand.   
  
“Too late!” he heard from further up the stairs, Morgana’s voice sharp but happy. Merlin looked up to see Morgana peering over the railing at him, her long, dark hair hanging around of her face and her smile wide.   
  
“We both know that Arthur’s the biggest princess here,” Gwaine yelled back to her.   
  
“Too right!”   
  
Arthur frowned and stomped up the stairs, Merlin and Gwaine trailing behind him. Gwaine winked at Merlin, who laughed.   
  
They reached the front door and Merlin was immediately wrapped up in a hug, Morgana’s hair in his mouth, her chin digging into his shoulder.   
  
“Missed you, yeah?” she said.   
  
Merlin smiled into her neck, laughing.   
  
“Missed you too.”  
  
Then suddenly he was being spun around, enveloped in another set of arms, kisses planted on his cheeks. “Merlin!” Gwen yelled happily into his ear.  
  
“Lucky bastard,” he heard Gwaine murmur.   
  
Merlin laughed again, lifting Gwen up and spinning her.   
  
“Did ya miss me?”   
  
“Put me down!”  
  
Merlin laughed and deposited her safely on her feet.  
  
“You know I don’t like that!” she said, though her grin betrayed her words.  
  
Merlin pulled the two girls into another hug then, his arms firm around them. “I really did miss you guys.”  
  
“We missed you too,” Morgana said quietly. He gave them one more squeeze before letting them go.   
  
“Right, we have enough food here to last us through the next world war,” Merlin laughed, indicating the bags in Arthur’s hands.  
  
Arthur smiled and led the way into the house, dumping the bags onto the table.   
  
“Did it go well then?” Gwen asked anxiously.   
  
Merlin chest ached slightly, and he looked at Arthur and Gwaine nervously, biting his lip. Gwaine smirked, and quirked an eyebrow challengingly, while Arthur’s eyes softened, and he nodded.   
  
“Yeah,” Merlin said, turning back to Gwen. “It went really well.”  
  
“Did Mel look okay?”   
  
Merlin realised then that Morgana and Gwen knew nothing about how Merlin had changed just by the simple act of sharing Gwaine and Arthur’s bed. Of course they’d been talking only about Mel.  
  
Merlin smiled at them. “Yeah… yeah she did.”  
  
Arthur sighed then, “We better get going,” he said to Gwaine. Gwaine nodded.  
  
They walked them to the door, Merlin feeling shaky and anxious. He bit his lip.   
  
“Thank you,” he said quietly to them, before they left. Gwaine cupped Merlin’s cheek, gently, and swiped a thumb over his lips, his gaze thoughtful. Arthur watched intently, and smiled when Merlin focused on him.   
  
“Come around tomorrow, okay?” Arthur said, grasping hold of Merlin’s hands and squeezing. “We’ll talk.”   
  
Merlin nodded. “Sounds good.”   
  
He closed the door behind them and sighed. Things weren’t perfect – things were far from perfect, and Merlin felt nervous. But it was a strange, exciting kind of nervous. Like he was on the brink of something new, something that could change him. And though change could be frightening, and scary, Merlin felt ready for the first time since Freya died. Like he was ready to move forward… to move on. It was a scary thought, one Merlin wasn’t entirely comfortable with.   
  
“Seems a lot happened while you were away, Merlin,” Morgana said, watching him.   
  
He smiled at her, at how curious she looked, at how concerned she was for him, just because she was his friend. “Yeah,” he said. “I think it’s for the best though.”  
  
 _*                                       *                                   *  
_ _  
Freya’s lips were red and swollen as she looked up at him from beneath her eyelashes, kissing his hipbone and smiling as she slithered back up his body, kissing the side of his neck and then his lips, once, gently.  
_ _  
“My turn?” she asked with a laugh.  
_ _  
Merlin was still catching his breath as he looked at her, stunned by the force of his orgasm, by her beauty.  
_ _  
“Of course,” he replied…  
_ _  
And then it was Arthur in front of him, stubble on his jaw as Merlin kissed it, his head tilted back as Merlin licked along his collarbone, down, circling around a nipple before kneeling on the ground and unfastening his pants…  
_ _  
And Gwaine gasped as Merlin took him in his mouth, breathing slowly through his nose as his tongue ran along the ridge of Gwaine’s cock, taking him as deep as he could, Gwaine swearing and trying not to buck his hips…  
_ _  
And then Arthur was coming into Gwaine’s mouth, the two of them naked and beautiful in front of Merlin, Arthur gasping and thrusting his hips helplessly, Gwaine swallowing, gripping Arthur’s hipbones…  
_ _  
_Merlin woke, breathing fast, his cock hard and the image of Arthur and Gwaine behind his eyelids.  
  
It only took a few strokes for him to finish, gasping, into his hand.   
  
Merlin cleaned himself up, his limbs heavy and his mind in a fog, before lying down in bed and going back to sleep.  
  
 _*                                       *                                   *  
_ _  
Freya was curled up in the covers, turned away, when Merlin finally went to bed.  
_ _  
He bit his lip, nervous, and got undressed before shuffling under the covers.  
_ _  
“Freya…,” he said quietly, kissing her shoulder, the back of her neck, a hand snaking around her middle.  
_ _  
Freya curled tighter in on herself, pulling the blankets closer. “Not tonight, Merlin,” she murmured.  
_ _  
She’d said the same thing for the last month and a half. Merlin tried to be understanding, because this was the way Freya’s depression worked. Some months she wanted it at every opportunity, so often that Merlin had a hard time keeping up, and others… she lost all sex drive.  
_ _  
Merlin sighed and moved away, trying to ignore his erection. He reached a hand out between them though, like he always did, and Freya uncurled, slowly, and turned to face him. She clutched onto his hand with both of hers, her grip almost painful, but Merlin didn’t mind.  
_ _  
He brought her hands up to kiss them. “Goodnight love,” he murmured.  
_ _  
Freya’s smile was watery, apologetic almost, as she whispered back. “Goodnight.”_

 

_*                                       *                                   *_

  


Merlin ate breakfast with Morgana and Gwen, the house quiet, peaceful almost.   
  
Morgana and Gwen held hands as they ate, and Merlin smiled. Perhaps the night away had been good for them as well.  
  
“I’m glad the trip went well,” Gwen said quietly, looking up at Merlin and smiling.   
  
Merlin smiled back. “Yeah... it felt a bit like moving forward.”   
  
Morgana leant back in her chair as Merlin took a sip of his orange juice. “So… did you have sex with my brother and his boyfriend?” she asked.  
  
Merlin spat his juice out all over the table, causing Gwen to shriek and Merlin to choke, coughing.   
  
“I’ll clean that up!” Gwen said, escaping to the kitchen to fetch a cloth.  
  
“Morgana!” Merlin spluttered, his cheeks red.  
  
“What!? It’s a legitimate question!”   
  
Merlin buried his face in his hands, embarrassed.   
  
“So that’s a yes then,” Gwen said wryly as she came back into the kitchen, a cloth in hand.   
  
Merlin uncovered his face. “Let me do that.” He stood up and took the cloth off of her.  
  
He started to clean the table. “So is that what you two did while I was sleeping last night? Speculate about my sex life?”  
  
“Are you implying that you now have a sex life that we could speculate on?”   
  
“What… Morgana! Seriously?”  
  
“Were you safe Merlin? Tell me you were safe. And happy. And… I don’t know, gentle? Did you use lube? Did they prepare you properly? I heard you had to do that a lot with gay sex…”   
  
“Morgana oh my god! Stop!” Merlin sat back down on the chair, resigned to admitting what happened between him, Gwaine and Arthur.   
  
“You do know she’s just stirring Merlin,” Gwen said, picking up the cloth and taking it back to the kitchen. “Don’t let her get a reaction from you!”   
  
Morgana reach a hand out across the table to him then, her eyes serious for the first time that morning. And Merlin suddenly  _wanted_  to tell her what had happened. Because he loved her, and both she and Gwen were an important part of his life, and deserved to know that things were changing for him. And he wasn’t ashamed of what had happened in that motel, not at all!   
  
Merlin took Morgana’s hand. “We didn’t go… all the way,” he said carefully.   
  
Morgana nodded as Gwen sat down at the table again, placing her hand on top of Merlin’s and squeezing gently, listening, supporting.   
  
“I freaked out I guess. Memories of Freya… and, you know. I was just overwhelmed.”   
  
“And they stopped right away, didn’t they? I don’t have to kick my brother’s ass?”   
  
“They were… they were perfect, really.”  
  
Gwen smiled, her eyes watery. “We don’t want any details Merlin, of course we don’t. We just wanted to make sure that you were safe and happy. That’s all we want you to be.”  
  
Merlin smiled, suddenly emotional. Sometimes he forgot just how extraordinary his friends were.   
  
He paused then, thoughtful. “Can I ask you a serious question?”   
  
“Fire away,” Morgana said, leaning back on her chair.   
  
“How did you know that I was... you know, bottoming?”   
  
Morgana abruptly burst into laughter, then smirked at Gwen triumphantly. Gwen groaned, handing over ten pounds.   
  
“We didn’t know for sure. Thanks for settling that bet, Merlin.”  
  
“I hate you guys sometimes.”  
  
 _*                                       *                                   *  
  
_ Merlin bit his lip, standing in front of Arthur and Gwaine’s door again, wringing his hands nervously.   
  
 _It’s going to be okay_ , he thought to himself.  _Everything’s going to be fine_.  
  
Merlin took a deep breath and buzzed on the door.   
  
“Took you long enough Merlin!” Gwaine said over the intercom. “Come on up!”  
  
Merlin smiled wryly to himself, knowing that Arthur and Gwaine had probably been on their balcony looking down at him the whole time he’d been standing there.   
  
He made his way up the stairs, to where Arthur and Gwaine were waiting for him. Arthur had his arms crossed, wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans. In comparison, Gwaine’s shirt was unbuttoned, and there was nothing underneath besides a sturdy silver chain with a gold ring and a silver pendant on it. Merlin tried not to stare at his exposed chest, wondering if the man was ever properly dressed. Merlin blushed and looked away.  
  
He bit his lip nervously again, worrying it between his teeth.  
  
“Hey,” Arthur said, uncrossing his arms to reach up and run his fingers across Merlin’s bottom lip, causing him to release it. Merlin gasped in surprise. “No need for that.”   
  
Arthur stepped forward to kiss him then, but Merlin leant back in surprise, trying not to feel guilty at the hurt look on Arthur’s face.  
  
“I’m sorry...”   
  
Arthur’s expression closed off slightly, but Merlin saw Gwaine rest a hand on the small of his back and then Arthur relaxed, nodding.   
  
“Okay,” he said. He turned around then, leading the way into the house. “Are you coming in or not?”   
  
Merlin smiled slightly to himself, and followed them, shutting the door behind him.   
  
They went straight to the kitchen, Gwaine yelling something about getting up late and being a growing boy. Arthur rolled his eyes fondly, and Merlin’s chest clenched at how  _domestic_  it all was.   
  
He shook his head and saw Arthur staring at him, curious, an eyebrow raised. “Are you going to sit?” he asked, his hand still on the top of the chair that he had pulled out.   
  
Merlin flushed and sat down in the chair, Arthur rolling his eyes again.   
  
“I don’t know how you aren’t dizzy all the time,” Merlin muttered to himself.   
  
“Excuse me?”   
  
Merlin looked up at Arthur, who had crossed his arms again and was looking down his nose at Merlin with a superior air.   
  
“You roll your eyes so bloody often I don’t know how you aren’t dizzy,” Merlin said defiantly.  
  
Merlin heard Gwaine bark out a laugh from the kitchen, obviously hearing the conversation.   
  
Arthur huffed and sat down on his chair. “It’s only because you’re such a massive idiot.”   
  
Merlin frowned as Gwaine walked into the room, holding a plate in one hand, two cups of tea by the handles in the other, and a piece of toast dangling from his mouth.   
  
He placed them down carefully on the table and removed the toast from his mouth.   
  
“Don’t be offended Merlin,” Gwaine said. “Calling people stupid is just how he shows affection, plus it makes him feel better. It’s obvious that we’re the ones with superior intellect here.”  
  
He bit into his toast vigorously then, crumbs flying from his mouth. Merlin couldn’t help but laugh as Arthur rolled his eyes again.  
  
Gwaine sat down at the head of the table, Merlin and Arthur on either side of him. He pushed one of the cups of tea to Arthur, who smiled gratefully at him.   
  
“I know you’re not overly fond of tea,” Gwaine said once he’d swallowed his mouthful of toast. “Did you want something else?”  
  
Merlin shook his head, looking down and wringing his hands in his lap.  
  
“I thought maybe we could just get on with the… you know, talking.”  
  
“You don’t need to be so nervous,” Arthur said.   
  
“This is all a bit… I dunno, weird I suppose,” Merlin said, looking away.   
  
“Because of the two people bit or the men bit?” Gwaine asked.   
  
Merlin laughed, something inside him relaxing for the first time since he’d arrived, an anxiety nagging away in the back of his head easing off.   
  
“I think it’s the… my girlfriend died and I’m still at a complete loss trying to function without her and now two hot guys want to have sex with me bit.”   
  
“You think we’re hot do you?”  
  
“You do know it’s not only about sex?”  
  
Their questions overlapped and Merlin laughed when Arthur and Gwaine looked at each other wryly.   
  
“Trust Gwaine to latch onto the least important part of what you said,” Arthur drawled.   
  
“Yes I do think you’re extraordinarily good looking,” Merlin said, glancing at Gwaine, who smirked. “But I won’t say it too often unless I want Gwaine’s head to explode and his ego to become uncontrollable. And about the sex thing… I just, maybe that’s why I’m so nervous.” Merlin hesitated then, fidgeting. “I just lost a really serious relationship.” He looked away, distant. “And some days I can cope with that and others I can’t. I had a whole future with her, you know? And that future disappeared so quickly.”   
  
Arthur and Gwaine nodded seriously, leaning towards him, and Merlin once again saw how good they were – their attentiveness, their… care.   
  
“I’m not ready for much yet,” Merlin said, looking up at them earnestly. “I’m not ready for sex again, because I’m not ready for it to  _mean_  something and I’m not ready for a serious relationship or  _love_ … but for some reason I  _really, really want you_. And even though every ounce of self-preservation in my body is saying run away... I just, I want to ignore that because you’re… you, I guess. And I trust you, a little. I want to keep you around.”   
  
“We have to keep everything really slow,” Arthur said. “And ask each other if we’re ok with what we’re doing before we start doing anything, agreed?”   
  
Merlin and Gwaine nodded.   
  
“I think we owe it to ourselves to try, don’t you?” Gwaine leant back on his chair then, looking between the three of them. “There’s a connection there, I can feel it, and I hope you can too. And maybe it’s just sexual tension but I think it’s more, and I think that’s worth taking a chance on.”   
  
There was a long pause.   
  
“That was the most romantic thing you’ve ever had to say, isn’t it?” Arthur muttered.    
  
“Hey! I thought it was good.”   
  
Merlin laughed and pushed Gwaine’s shoulder, causing him to almost fall off his chair.  
  
Gwaine stuck a tongue out at him and this time it wasn’t Arthur who rolled his eyes.   
  
“So we’re going to try?” Merlin asked.   
  
“Yeah I think so,” Arthur said, sharing a glance with Gwaine who smiled and said, “I’m up for it if you are.”   
  
“Okay,” Merlin breathed, slightly overwhelmed by how  _easy_  the conversation was. Would it always be this way for the three of them? They’d fallen into friendship so simply, so quickly, and though Merlin felt hesitant taking a step towards… well, something, he wasn’t afraid. No… he wasn’t afraid anymore, because it was  _Arthur and Gwaine_  and he trusted them.   
  
“So what are we doing today?” he asked now that the big conversation was over.  
  
“I reckon we should wander around the city, have lunch a bit later and take it easy, you know? Just the three of us,” Arthur said.  
  
Merlin smiled. “I think that sounds perfect.”   
  
“I think it sounds like a date,” Gwaine said, waggling his eyebrows. Arthur stood up, whacking Gwaine on the back of his head as he walked past.   
  
“Does this mean I’ll get laid?” Gwaine yelled after him.   
  
Arthur laughed, “Who do you think I am? Only one quick kiss at the door, that’s the rule for first dates, Gwaine!”   
  
Gwaine made a rueful face at Merlin, who quirked an eyebrow, and feeling bold, leant forward and pressed his lips against Gwaine’s, their mouths moving together before Merlin bit down on his bottom lip gently, and pulled away, smiling.  
  
Gwaine laughed delightedly, licking over the indent on his lip. “I like this one Arthur!” he yelled. “I think we should keep him!”

 

_*                                       *                                   *_

 

‘ _You’ve reached the house of Morgana and Gwen…Hey why does my name have to be second?… Gwen shush! Anywaysss, we’re not here right now so please leave a message, thanks!_ ’  
  
“Hey Morgana, it’s Merlin. Just letting you know that I’m spending the night at Arthur and Gwaine’s,” Merlin lowered his voice then, out of earshot from the men sitting in the lounge room. “And before you get your knickers in a twist, nothing like that! We’ve agreed to… take it slow. Anyways, just thought I’d let you know so you don’t worry. See you both after work tomorrow… uh, bye.”   
  
Merlin stuffed his phone back in his pocket and wandered into the living room.   
  
Gwaine arched his head back to look at Merlin, who stared transfixed at his long neck before shaking himself and smiling. “Left a message,” he said.

  
“Time for bed you reckon?” Arthur asked, standing up and lending Gwaine a hand in getting up from the couch.   
  
“Yeah sure,” Gwaine said as Arthur pulled him up and slung an arm around his waist.   
  
“Thanks for today,” Arthur said, looking over at Merlin.   
  
“It was fun,” Merlin said. And it had been – Arthur and Gwaine were still newbies to the city, and Merlin had enjoyed taking them around and showing them the little things he loved – the park, the little Italian restaurant on the corner, the music store that sold the best vinyls and the vintage ice-creamery that had the oddest flavours imaginable and was run by a woman who gave Merlin free ice cream whenever he came in. Gwaine had whined non-stop that Merlin had gotten a double scoop waffle cone for free and he hadn’t. Merlin had laughed as the woman who owned the store frowned at Gwaine and said ‘ _he needs fattening up. Plus, you can’t say no to that grin, can you?_ ’ Merlin had tried not to preen at the soft glance Arthur and Gwaine had sent him then.    
  
“You like it here then?” Merlin asked.   
  
Gwaine nodded, sending a small smile to Arthur. “It’s better than where we were before,” he said, his voice quiet.  
  
“Much better,” Arthur added.   
  
Merlin nodded to himself, the air charged with all the past between Arthur and Gwaine that Merlin hadn’t discovered yet – a past that had been hinted at, briefly, but never openly discussed. And though Merlin knew it was only a matter of time, Merlin was content with just… letting it be.  
  
Merlin brushed his teeth using Arthur’s toothbrush, and stripped down to his undershirt and boxers before nervously walking into the bedroom. Gwaine was talking to Arthur about the kebabs he’d had the other day, and Arthur was listening with a fond, exasperated look on his face. They were both in t-shirts and boxers, and Merlin smiled then, because he knew they usually slept in less.   
  
Gwaine flopped down on the bed, next to Arthur.   
  
“Have I told you lately how much I love King-sized beds?” he asked, stretching out.   
  
He looked up then, at Merlin who was hovering in the doorway.   
  
“Are you coming to bed then?”   
  
Merlin smiled, walking forwards slowly, and Arthur beckoned him closer. He slid into bed, Gwaine in the middle and Arthur on the other side. Gwaine laughed, “I don’t smell, do I, Merlin?” He asked.   
  
Merlin bit his lip and moved closer, and Gwaine wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him to rest his head on Gwaine’s chest.   
  
“You’re a snuggler,” Merlin muttered.   
  
He heard Arthur snort from the other side of the bed, “Did you expect him to be anything less?”   
  
Merlin smiled, closing his eyes. “Nah.”  
  
Gwaine kissed his temple, his nose, and then his mouth, slowly, their lips moving together then drawing apart. Arthur wrapped an arm around Gwaine’s waist and Gwaine turned to him, the two of them sharing a kiss. And for the first time in a long time, with all three of their bodies wrapped together, Merlin felt secure.  

  
_*                                       *                                   *_  
  
 _Merlin took Freya’s hand gently and ran his fingers down the lines of her palm, to the veins on her wrists and up, to the crook of her elbow. She laughed._  
  
 _“That tickles, Merlin.”_  
  
 _He pressed a kiss to her wrist. “You’re so beautiful.”_  
  
 _She smiled gently at him, then turned back to gaze at the stars, her eyes reflecting the moonlight. Merlin studied her profile, the curve of her lip, her long eyelashes._  
  
 _Freya turned her head to catch his gaze. “I won’t always be,” she said, melancholy in her voice. “Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”_  
  
 _Merlin smiled. “Only if you love me when I have no hair and my ears look even more ridiculous.”_  
  
 _Freya laughed, reaching over to pull on one of his ears. Her smile turned gentle then. “You’re the love of my life, you know that right?”_  
  
 _Merlin grasped her hand in his, “I know. And you’re mine, too.”_  
  
 _“You’re a kind man Merlin.” Her gaze turned back to the night sky, and she looked sad. Merlin tried not to worry about what that meant. “Not many men would put up with… the way I am. And not many men would love me despite it.”_  
  
 _“Freya…”_  
  
 _Tears slipped from her eyes._  
  
 _“I’m scared, Merlin.”_  
  
 _“Don’t be,” he said. She turned to look at him again. “Don’t be frightened.”_  
  
 _“You’re frightened too, Merlin, I can see it in your face sometimes, when I’m in a depression. And I don’t even care that you’re frightened. I don’t even care that you love me, not when things seem so_ dark _. And then when I’m back, when things seem stable and secure, and there’s lightness in the world again, I feel so_ goddamn _guilty because I’m not loving you like I should.”_  
  
 _And this time Merlin couldn’t stop the tears. “You’re loving me perfectly, Freya. All I want is you.”_  
  
 _“I’m not good enough for you Merlin. You deserve stability. A certain future.”_  
  
 _She turned back to the stars._  
  
 _“You are good enough!” Merlin said, desperate for her to see. “This is your depression talking, I know it is. I love you. I want a future with you.”_  
  
 _Freya smiled sadly. “I love you with all my heart, okay? Don’t forget that.”_  
  
 _“I love you too. And maybe you’ll forget sometimes, but I’ll always be here to remind you.”_  
  
 _Freya brought their hands up to her lips, kissing his knuckles in a familiar gesture. “Okay,” she said._  
  
Merlin was shaken from his reverie by a familiar voice.   
  
“What are you doing up here?” Asked Arthur.   
  
Merlin brought his knees up to his chest, hugging them. His pyjama pants were threadbare, his t-shirt loose. “You have a beautiful roof.”   
  
Arthur laughed. “I knew you were one of those sorts of people.”   
  
Merlin frowned to himself, looking out over the quiet, predawn city. “And what type of person is that?”   
  
Arthur didn’t reply, instead sitting down heavily next to him, handing him a jacket. Merlin shrugged it on, watching Arthur pull a sweater on over his grey t-shirt. He’d brought a blanket, and Merlin smiled as he draped it over their knees.  
  
“You’re a thinker,” Arthur said finally. “You contemplate, you sit on roofs and in parks and think about life. Me and Gwaine, we don’t do that. We just act, impulsively, often to our detriment. You  _plan_.”   
  
“I wish I was more like you, most of the time. Sometimes I just go round and round in circles, thinking about things.”  
  
Arthur turned to face him, the muted, grey predawn light making his eyes appear bluer than ever.   
  
“What do you think about then?”  
  
Merlin hesitated, glancing at Arthur’s face then back to the city again. “Morgana and Gwen, sometimes, and whether it’s time for me to leave their house. And I think about Freya, and all the things I could’ve done, and all the memories I have that seem meaningless now because I can’t remember them with her. But mostly I think about you and Gwaine, and how confusing this all is, and how I’ve gotten into bed with you three times this week and  _nothing’s_  happened, but I’ve  _wanted_  something to happen. And I think about how afraid I am of what that means, and how I really like you guys and the way you make me feel. But then there’s always this nagging doubt in the back of my head because god, I am in a homosexual polyamorous relationship and I don’t know much about your past or…  _anything_  and…”   
  
“Take a deep breath,” Arthur said, rubbing Merlin’s back as he gasped for air. “You okay now?”   
  
Merlin nodded, watching the dawn light that was slowly filtering through the maze of buildings.   
  
He felt Arthur’s gaze on him, and Merlin felt hot where Arthur’s hand rested on his back.  
  
“I think if you feel ready to leave Morgana’s and Gwen’s, then you should talk about it with them,” Arthur murmured, his fingers digging into Merlin’s back. “And I think that  _nothing_  you’ve experienced is meaningless,  _nothing at all_. But I also think that you know that.”   
  
Merlin nodded to himself, unable to look at Arthur. “Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat, thinking about all the times he had with Freya.   
  
“I also think you’re a massive prat,” Arthur said, a smile in his voice. “Because those things about me and Gwaine, they’re  _nothing to worry about_.”  
  
Merlin frowned angrily. “So my worries are just stupid are they?” he snapped.   
  
Arthur moved his hand from Merlin’s lower back up to his shoulder. “No,” he said gently. “Of course not. But they’re not necessary. Look,” Arthur said, before sighing. “God, even  _Gwaine’s_  better at this than me. We really care about you Merlin, a lot. And we don’t want to screw this thing up, all right?”   
  
“I know that, I do. I’m just really confused right now.” Merlin turned to face Arthur then, looking him in the eyes, sincere. “I’m… I’m still in love with Freya. You know that.” Arthur lowered his eyes and nodded. “And I don’t think that’s going to go away. And I  _want_  to be closer to you and Gwaine, but I’m so afraid of… I don’t know.”   
  
Arthur smiled. “We said we’d take it slow, and that’s what I intend to do. And look – sometimes these things take time, Merlin. And there’s no rush, is there? If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. I know what it feels like to…” He trailed off then, a faraway look in his eyes. “I know what it feels like to do something you’re uncomfortable with just because you think you  _should_ , and it doesn’t feel good. And I don’t want you to feel that. So until you’re ready, we’ll wait. Just live in the moment, Merlin, and you’ll know when things feel right.”   
  
Merlin watched the sun rising, peeking over the tops of buildings now. “You’re getting wise in your old age,” he said.  
  
Arthur hit him fondly on the back of the head, and Merlin let out an indignant sound before they settled into silence again.   
  
“Look,” Arthur said. “I’m going to tell you something that I think Gwaine would prefer to… keep quiet. But if we’re serious about this, you should know."  
  
“Is it about you and Gwaine?” he asked curiously.   
  
Arthur looked over at him then, and Merlin smiled. “I know things didn’t go as smoothly as you made them out to,” Merlin said.   
  
“I was angry,” Arthur confessed. “A lot. I was angry at my father and at myself and I was confused about what I wanted.” He looked at Merlin then. “We weren’t a happy couple, those first few years. We were fighting all the time. Angry at each other. I… I fucked Gwaine around a lot, wasn’t a great person at all.”   
  
Arthur looked away, and Merlin rested a hand on his knee.   
  
“We started dating, Gwaine and I, but I… I couldn’t confess who I was to my father. Gwaine never said anything about it; the guy has the fucking patience of a saint. But it started to eat away at me, and I started to pick fights… I don’t even know why. And then suddenly we could hardly say a civil word to each other, arguing all the time. He’d confessed to me, when we first met, that he used to sleep around and drink a lot. I threw that into his face all the time, relentless, even though I knew he’d changed since then.”   
  
Merlin bit his lip, his hand tightening on Arthur’s knee as he noticed the man wringing his hands together.   
  
“Gwaine was the first guy I was ever properly with, you know? And I was just so  _angry_  with myself for keeping him a secret. I knew it hurt him, he would never admit it but I was hurting him. We never officially ‘broke up’, but… I slept with other people. Gwaine didn’t. Fuck, I nearly  _married_  a girl just because my father said we’d be an excellent match. I look back now and see that I cheated on Gwaine, really, and that kills me. And the worst thing was, I didn’t really  _want_  those other people either; I wasn’t comfortable having sex with them, being with them. I just thought, you know, this is what people do, isn’t it? It felt awful.”  
  
Arthur looked back at Merlin then.  
  
“We got back together, in the end. I pulled my head out of my ass with the help of my best friend Lance as well as Gwaine. I told my father about him, quit the law firm in New York, then me and Gwaine moved here.”  
  
They sat in silence for a while, watching the sun rise and the city start to wake up – cars filling the street, children laughing and the scent of fresh bread from the bakeries that lined the roads.   
  
“So when I asked, last week, if you liked it here…”   
  
“We meant it. We’re happier here, we have a real chance at making a  _life_  here.” Arthur paused. “You balance us out, Merlin. With you, we all balance.”  
  
Merlin turned to Arthur then, cupping his cheek in one hand, smiling as he took in his sun-filled face. His hair was golden in the early light, his eyes shining. Merlin leant in, capturing his lips gently before pulling away and smiling.  
  
 _*                                       *                                   *_

 

_“Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…”  
_ _  
_“Really Morgana?”  
  
“Hey, it’s true."  
  
Merlin threw a bag of tealeaves at her head then, and she ducked out of the way.   
  
“Did you come all the way here to terrorise me in my work place?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“You’re a cruel, cruel woman.”  
  
Morgana smiled then, leaning down on the counter and propping her head up in her palm. Her other hand tapped incessantly, and Merlin frowned, turning back to the shelves behind him and straightening them.   
  
“You’ve slept at their house eight times in the last three weeks.”   
  
“And so?”   
  
“Don’t tell me you aren’t fucking them.”  
  
Merlin didn’t even turn to face her. “I’m not fucking them.”  
  
Gaius stuck his head out from the back room then, an eyebrow raised, and Merlin blushed bright red while Morgana laughed.  
  
“Is this appropriate for the workplace, Merlin?”   
  
“Oh lighten up Gaius,” Morgana said.   
  
Gaius gave Merlin a look before disappearing again, and Merlin turned back to Morgana, frowning.   
  
“Why are you so interested in your brother’s sex life anyway?” He snapped.   
  
Morgana made a face and huffed. “I’m interested in  _you_ , not anything else.”   
  
“Then why won’t you believe me when I say that we’re  _not_  having sex?”  
  
Morgana put her hands up. “Fine, fine.”   
  
Merlin rolled his eyes, fiddling with the products on the counter and taking a deep breath. “While you’re here and the store’s empty, maybe I could ask you something?”   
  
Morgana seemed to realise the seriousness in Merlin’s voice, all trace of jest gone from her face. “You know you can tell me anything, Merlin.”   
  
Merlin lowered his eyes. “I was thinking maybe I should move back home now.”   
  
He heard Morgana take a sharp breath, but when he looked up her face was blank, masked.   
  
“Do you think that’s a good idea?”   
  
He shrugged. “I think, maybe, it’s time.”   
  
She reached a hand across the counter, grasping his trembling one.   
  
“We’re happy to have you, Merlin; you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to.”   
  
“I know, Morgana,” Merlin murmured, looking up into her worried eyes. “I know that, but… I think I’m ready.”  
  
 _*                                       *                                   *  
  
_ Merlin opened the front door to his apartment slowly, hesitantly.   
  
 _Freya’s hand around his waist, lips on his neck, breathless, ‘Hurry up with the door Merlin, come on!’  
  
_ It had been cleaned, since he’d left; everything shuffled around in neat stacks. Merlin smiled when he saw the clothes that he’d had Morgana and Gwen take away sitting in a neat pile on the dining room table.   
  
There was no wine splatter on the wall, no leftover boxes or blankets piled up anywhere. He wandered around the lounge room and kitchen for a while, before taking a deep breath and pushing open the bedroom door.   
  
Merlin stopped in the doorway, holding his arms around himself. Obviously Morgana and Gwen had cleaned up in here too, but Freya’s stuff was still all around. Her white dress still hung on the door, her necklaces on the nightstand, the book she was last reading still open. Merlin wandered forward, in a trance, and picked it up, laughing as he took in the title ‘The Hobbit’. He put it back down again, running his hands over the smooth beads of the necklace. He went to his bedside table then, opening the top drawer and eyeing the small, velvet blue box sitting in it. He sighed and picked it up.  
  
There was a loud knocking on his front door then, and he stuffed the box in his pocket, taking a deep breath.   
  
“Come in!” he yelled. “It’s open!”   
  
He heard the sound of plastic bags and then Gwen’s soft voice. “We bought some groceries, Merlin!”   
  
“Dump them in the kitchen!”   
  
He went over to the closet, and opened it, placing the box carefully in one of his suit jackets. He closed his eyes at the smell of Freya on her clothes, her favourite perfume in the air.   
  
“Are you okay?” asked a quiet voice from the doorway. Merlin nodded, his throat tight, and Gwaine moved forward, a hand on Merlin’s back.   
  
“It smells like her, in here. I’d forgotten what she smelt like.”   
  
Gwaine leant his chin on Merlin’s shoulder, and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist. “Me and Arthur brought some boxes,” he said after a long silence. “We can pack Freya’s stuff up and store it, if you’d like. Or we can leave it out. It’s completely up to you. And you don’t have to decide now, if you don’t want to.”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes, overwhelmed with longing for Freya and a strange tenderness toward Arthur and Gwaine, as well as Morgana and Gwen, these people that filled his life and supported him.   
  
“I think maybe it’s time for some closure. Not everything though.”   
  
Gwaine pressed a kiss behind Merlin’s ear, then pulled away. “Sounds perfect.”  
  
Slowly and methodically, all five of them worked through Freya’s things. Some of her jewellery they left in Merlin’s top drawer, because it reminded him of her. All her clothes were packed away though, and a few knick-knacks she had lying around. The photos that littered the house were left in place, because Merlin could finally look at them without hurting too much, and her paintings too, because they were beautiful. When he looked around, he could see the differences – could see the things missing, things that Freya would have left out, the things that were  _hers_. But finally Merlin could  _breathe_ , and could look around and be reminded of Freya but not overwhelmed.  
  
Afterwards, when they were all exhausted, Merlin grabbed pillows and extra duvets and the five of them camped out in the lounge room. An old episode of Doctor Who played, and Merlin was reminded of how much Freya loved the show, but then Arthur laughed loudly and made a rude remark about the CGI, and Merlin was dragged back to the present to laugh with his friends.   
  
“Are you okay?” Gwen asked as they lay on the floor together. “You’re quiet.”   
  
Morgana, Gwaine and Arthur were in an argument about which was the best episode of Doctor Who, making Merlin smile.   
  
“I’m just taking it all in, you know? So much has changed.”  
  
Gwen touched the side of his face then, gently. “I was afraid that this would…,” she bit her lip, trailing off.  
  
“Overwhelm me?”   
  
Gwen nodded.   
  
“I was afraid of that too,” Merlin confessed. “But I had to try, you know? I had to trust in you, and Morgana, and Gwaine and Arthur. Trust that you would help me through it, trust that I’d come far enough to even  _tackle_  this. I think it payed off.”   
  
“Are you happy, Merlin?”   
  
Merlin smiled, moving closer to Gwen and wrapping an arm around her. “Yeah, yeah I am.”   
  
“I’m glad.”   
  
They were silent for a moment, and Merlin couldn’t help but think that he’d been blessed with these people in his life. These people who would spend the night at his house so he wouldn’t have to be alone with his memories.   
  
“I love you, Gwen,” Merlin murmured.   
  
She smiled, and Merlin tried not to notice the unshed tears in her eyes. “I love you too.”  
  
 _*                                       *                                   *  
  
_ The next morning, the girls packed up their things.  
  
“So me and Gwen are leaving,” Morgana said stuffing shoes into her bag. “But the boys said they wanted to stay with you, for a little while. If you don’t object, of course.”   
  
Merlin smiled wryly. “You already told them yes from me, didn’t you?”  
  
Morgana shrugged, then gave him a cheeky grin. “Of course.”   
  
“I have no say in this, then?”  
  
“Nup.”   
  
Merlin laughed lightly. “Lucky for me, I have no objections to them staying.”   
  
“Of course you don’t,” Gwen said, waggling her eyebrows.   
  
“Gwen!”   
  
Morgana and Gwen took their bags to the door, then turned around to face him. “So, this is goodbye.”  
  
Merlin laughed. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow, you know that.”  
  
Morgana smiled and nodded but it slowly faltered. “Don’t… don’t be a stranger, okay? Just because you don’t live with us anymore doesn’t mean you can’t speak to us everyday, or see us everyday if you want to! And I don’t want you to forget to call us, or ignore our calls like you did before, and…”  
  
“… I’ll miss you too, Morgana,” Merlin said softly.   
  
Morgana threw her arms around Merlin then, and he rubbed his hand gently up her back.   
  
“I’ll be okay.”   
  
She squeezed him tighter. “I… I’ll miss living with you. And seeing you every day.”   
  
“I will too,” he said. “But we’ll see each other all the time still, don’t worry.”   
  
Gwen was wiping her eyes when Morgana let go, and she came forward to wrap her arms around Merlin.   
  
“You’re going to be fine,” she murmured in Merlin’s ear.   
  
“I think so too.”   
  
He kissed her cheek, and let her go, watching the two girls leave, their arms around each other, Gwen murmuring reassuringly in Morgana’s ear.   
  
A hand snaked its way around Merlin’s waist. “They’ll be okay,” Arthur said, drawing Merlin away from the door.   
  
“We all will,” Merlin replied. 


	6. PART SIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

Merlin and Gwaine stayed at Merlin’s house for two more nights, before reluctantly going back home after Merlin assured them that he would be perfectly fine. And it was true – already the memories of his and Freya’s little apartment weren’t so heavy, and instead Merlin focused on the present. 

  
Life got back to normal, slowly. Merlin picked up more shifts at Gaius’s, and spent more time with the man the man himself, sharing dinner together a few nights as Merlin remembered how much of a father Gaius was to him.   
  
He called his mother more, her voice slowly morphing from despair to a strange sort of tender hope, that maybe her son was doing better, that maybe he had found a tentative balance again. She didn’t know how that balance had come about yet, but Merlin didn’t want to rush into anything, didn’t want to tell her until he was certain.   
  
Mel called a few times as well, and even though she still sounded sad, the two of them could finally talk about Freya without feeling like they were suffocating in the past.   
  
“You look different,” Morgana had said over dinner, one night. “Like the old you.”   
  
Merlin shrugged and smiled up at her. “I don’t know, I feel… stable, is the word for it.”   
  
“That’s good,” Gwen said, then began dishing him more potatoes. “But you’re still too skinny, what are you feeding yourself over there?”   
  
Merlin smiled up at her, strangely grateful for her mothering.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
“Favourite colour?” Merlin asked, staring up at the sky and nursing his hot chocolate in his chilled hands.   
  
“Blue,” Arthur replied, wrapping his scarf tighter around his neck.   
  
“Boo, borrrring Arthur, god,” Gwaine grinned. “Mine’s blood red, of course.”  
  
Gwaine’s nose was what was red, and he brought his gloved hand up to rub it. “I’m freezing my bollocks off up here, Merlin.”   
  
“I’ve told you before, you hardly need them.”   
  
“What if I wanted to continue my line?” Gwaine asked cheekily.   
  
Merlin looked over him in surprise, shock stilling his shivering body. Arthur was looking at Merlin carefully, measuring.   
  
“You want kids?” Merlin asked in a small voice.   
  
Gwaine’s voice was equally quiet, and even the wind on the rooftop felt still. “Yeah, I always did, you know? I have a younger sister. I was the man of the house after dad died… looked after my little sister a lot, because my mum was at work. I dunno, I just always liked it. I just like the thought of having children.” He shrugged, as if it were no big deal.   
  
Arthur smiled, and took Gwaine’s hand.   
  
“What about you then?” Merlin asked, curious now rather than shocked. “Do you want kids?”   
  
Arthur was silent for a while, then looked at Merlin. “My father wanted me to have children, of course, to  _continue the Pendragon line._ I didn’t want children  _because_ of that. I wouldn’t want any child burdened with Uther as a legacy. Now… I’m not so opposed to the idea. What about you?”   
  
Merlin leant back on his chair, on the chair he used to sit on with Freya, and smiled. “Yeah, I wanted kids. I thought… maybe, by the time I was thirty me and Freya would have kids.”  
  
“They would’ve been amazing,” Gwaine said, laughing. “Total killers, all ethereal and skinny and haunting. You’d have had to lock your daughters up, all the attention they’d get.”   
  
Merlin smiled again, but it was sad this time. “Now… I’m not so sure whether I’d want kids.” He shrugged. “Maybe.”   
  
Arthur and Gwaine nodded, both of them turning to stare at the sky.   
  
“It’s getting cold out,” Arthur said eventually, and Gwaine snorted. “Shall we go back inside? Watch some telly?”   
  
Merlin knew that ‘watching telly’ was really an excuse for Arthur to tangle all three of their bodies together on Merlin’s old couch, hips touching and legs entwined and faces resting on shoulders.   
  
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Merlin replied.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
“Mate!” Will yelled on the phone. “That chick Morgana tells me that you’ve got  _two_ blokes now.”   
  
Merlin sighed exasperatedly, flicking channels on the TV.   
  
“Did she now? And why are you talking to Morgana anyway?”   
  
Will’s voice turned sheepish. “She kept me up to date about things when you went off the deep end.”  
  
Merlin rolled his eyes.   
  
“ _Anyways_ I called her the other day because you hadn’t messaged me in a while, which you  _should_ by the way, you slacker, and she told me that you were occupied with  _two guys._  Dude! What?”   
  
Merlin sighed, sitting up on the couch. “Don’t tell mum, okay?”   
  
“I wont, I wont!”  
  
“I just… I really like them. Arthur and Gwaine, their names are. Arthur is Morgana’s half-brother. Gwaine is his boyfriend. And… I dunno, we just fell into, whatever this is.”  
  
“Are you having  _sex_ with them?”   
  
“Jesus! Why is everyone so interested in that?”   
  
Will laughed. “Because you are in a  _gay threesome relationship_. This doesn’t happen very often with you… or ever. You were always more… conventional.”   
  
“Shut up, okay. Shut up about it.”   
  
He heard Will sigh. “I’m happy for you! I’m glad you get your rocks off with two hot guys.”  
  
“ _Will._ ”   
  
He laughed then, delightedly. “Tell me all your secrets. How did you pull  _two guys_ without even trying? I want two women! Give me this ability…”  
  
Merlin rolled his eyes and settled himself in for a long conversation.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
Arthur’s lips were sliding along Merlin’s jaw, and Merlin opened his mouth in a silent gasp, tilting his head up as Arthur ran his lips up to Merlin’s earlobe, biting it gently, tugging.   
  
Merlin groaned and Arthur chuckled. “You like that?” he whispered huskily into Merlin’s ear.   
  
Merlin nodded, breathless, and turned to roughly capture Arthur’s lips with his own, breathing heavily. Arthur deepened the kiss, his tongue running along Merlin’s, teasing, flicking, and Merlin bit down on his bottom lip. Arthur’s breath tasted like mint, and it made Merlin smile as they pulled apart, gasping.  
  
Arthur immediately went back to kissing Merlin’s neck, and Merlin groaned as he sucked hard, then nibbled the spot gently.  
  
“That’s… ah, Arthur, that’s going to leave a mark!”   
  
Arthur laughed, his voice low. “I want it to.”  
  
Merlin shivered at Arthur’s tone, at his possessiveness. Something in him twisted in arousal. 

Merlin heard a noise at the front door then, and he raised his eyes as Arthur continued sucking on his neck.  
  
Gwaine stood at the door, shopping bags in his hands. Merlin frowned at the look on his face as he stared past Merlin, right at Arthur.   
  
He looked… lost, maybe. And sad, and it unsettled Merlin to see that expression on Gwaine’s usually confident face. Merlin wondered how many nights Gwaine had sat alone in his room, wondering where Arthur was, whether Arthur even  _cared_ about him anymore, with this exact expression. And then Merlin realised that this was the first time any of them had initiated any sort of sexual contact without the other person being there, and Merlin bit his lip, feeling guilty.   
  
Gwaine ran a hand down his face then, and Merlin caught his eyes.   
  
“Hey,” he said softly.   
  
“Hello,” Gwaine said.  
  
Arthur pulled himself away from Merlin then, and turned around to smile, his lips swollen and cheeks flushed and  _god_ Arthur was beautiful. And Gwaine smiled as well, confidence suddenly returning to his features.  
  
Arthur stalked forward, wrapping his arms around Gwaine’s neck and bringing him in for a kiss. Gwaine laughed when they broke apart, and touched Arthur’s face gently.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
“I GOT A GIG!” Gwaine shouted as soon as Merlin opened his front door, nearly hitting the wall with his guitar case.  
  
Merlin took a few stumbling steps back from the door. “Jesus fuck you gave me a heart attack, Gwaine!”   
  
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly while Arthur laughed behind him.   
  
They pushed their way through the front door, and Merlin sighed exasperatedly, closing it behind them. “Yes, do come in,” he said sarcastically.   
  
“Don’t be a idiot Merlin, Gwaine has a gig! Do you know what this means?”   
  
Merlin huffed, crossing his arms. “That I have to spend more time around you and your… dollopheaded-ness.”   
  
Arthur frowned, “What?”   
  
“Never mind.”   
  
“ _Anyways,_ this means we get free entry and drinks all night!”  
  
Merlin smiled at Gwaine, who grinned happily. “Where’s it at then?”   
  
“Jacksons on End,” Gwaine replied. “Not too classy, not too scummy. It’s  _perfect_.”   
  
“Did you go in and ask them?”   
  
Gwaine flopped down on the couch, placing his guitar on the ground. “Yup, they asked what my set list was, then I had to play a few of my songs, and they gave me the job on the spot.”  
  
“You must be good.”   
  
Gwaine looked over at Merlin and waggled his eyebrows. “The best.” Then he sat up excitedly. “You know what this means?”   
  
“No.” Arthur said.   
  
“I get to choose what we have for dinner.”   
  
Arthur rolled his eyes and headed for the kitchen.  
  
“It’s a  _tradition,”_ Gwaine yelled after him. He turned to Merlin then. “Every time I got a gig, I got to choose dinner, when Arthur won a case, he got to choose. We’re big on the whole, rewarding success thing.”   
  
“Anything but pizza,” Merlin told him. Gwaine winked.  
  
“Arthur, dearest, light of my life, my knight in shining armour, king of my heart…”   
  
“That’s disgusting,” Merlin muttered.   
  
“… I request kebabs,” Gwaine yelled. Merlin heard Arthur groan from the kitchen. “You know, from the shop I was telling you about, remember the one?”   
  
“Really Gwaine?” Arthur said, looking harassed as he came out of the kitchen.   
  
“Yup,” Gwaine replied, popping the ‘p’ sound.   
  
Merlin couldn’t help but laugh, knowing Arthur hated kebabs with an unexplainable passion. Arthur turned around and glared at him.  
  
“Some chicken  _and_ beef kebabs,” Gwaine asserted.   
  
Arthur let out a disbelieving sound before turning on his heel and snatching his wallet off the bench. “Fine I’ll get your bloddy kebabs,” he muttered, slamming the front door behind him.   
  
Gwaine burst into laughter.   
  
“Why do you do that?” Merlin asked.   
  
“Because it’s fun.”   
  
Merlin grinned at him, his laughter contagious.   
  
“So when’s the gig?”  
  
“It’s Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night for the next three months! First one’s tomorrow, you should come along, and invite Morgana and Gwen too.”   
  
Merlin smiled then, gently. “I’d love that.”  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
It was crowded outside as Merlin, Morgana, Gwen and Arthur stood at the door.   
  
“It’s fucking freezing, he better be a decent singer,” Morgana muttered. Arthur grinned, but his eyes didn’t stray from Merlin, and Merlin felt hot under his gaze.  
  
He’d decided to wear a button-up purple shirt that Freya had bought him, a pair of dark jeans and black boots. His collared black jacket hung around Morgana’s shoulders, keeping her warm.   
  
He knew he looked better than he had in a while – he was dressed up, he was  _trying._ What he hadn’t been expecting was Arthur’s constant, heated gaze.  
  
“Stop staring at me,” Merlin muttered.   
  
Arthur licked his lips, his gaze trailing down Merlin and up again before he looked away.   
  
Arthur admittedly also looked amazing in cream coloured pants and a brown belt, with a striped sweater and a dark jacket over the top. Merlin imagined undoing Arthur’s belt, pulling down the waistband of his pants, shucking the sweater up… he blushed and saw Arthur smirking at him, and quickly looked away.   
  
“ _Finally_ ,” Morgana murmured as they were ushered into the club.   
  
They took to seats up the back, furthest from the stage as Arthur went and got drinks.   
  
“You look handsome tonight, Merlin,” Gwen said.   
  
Morgana laughed. “My brother clearly wants to undress you on the spot.”   
  
Merlin blushed hot. “You both look amazing as well,” he murmured.   
  
Arthur settled back at the table with the drinks as soon as Gwaine stepped onto the stage. They all cheered, Arthur wolf-whistling. Gwaine grinned in their direction and sat down on the stool in front of the microphone.   
  
“Hello everyone, thanks for being here!” Merlin looked around the busy club to see everyone staring at Gwaine. He didn’t know how he did it, Merlin would be sweating and shaking already, being in front of all these people. He started to get nervous for Gwaine, bouncing his knee up and down.   
  
Merlin felt Arthur settle an arm around his waist, and then Arthur’s breath was hot in his ear.   
  
“He looks amazing,” Arthur murmured, his voice low and reassuring. Merlin shivered.   
  
It was true though; Gwaine was wearing a white button-up shirt, his sleeves rolled up and the top few buttons undone. Merlin could see the light glinting off his necklace. His dark-wash jeans were tucked into biker boots at the bottom, and Merlin licked his lips while Arthur pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his neck.   
  
“Wait until you hear him sing,” Arthur breathed into his ear. 

Up on stage Gwaine was fiddling with his guitar. “Alright everyone, I’m going to sing a few songs to you, you’ll cheer and enjoy it, and hopefully put some dosh in my tip jar, then you’ll drink some more and get thoroughly wasted and go home with a beautiful stranger. Does that sound good to you?”   
  
The club cheered and Merlin laughed.   
  
“Right,” Gwaine said, finally slinging on his guitar. “My boyfriends would never forgive me if I didn’t dedicate the first song to them, so this is my cover of ‘You’ve Got the Love’, for Merlin and Arthur.”  
  
People wolf-whistled and Merlin saw more than a few disappointed faces from women around the club. His mind was stuck on the word  _boyfriends._ It made him feel strangely happy, excited, contented.   
  
Morgana snorted next to him, but Gwen hit her in the arm. “It’s sweet,” she said.   
  
Arthur’s grip on Merlin tightened as Gwaine started singing.  
  
His voice was husky, and rang out through the room that had suddenly stilled, all eyes on Gwaine.    
  
He strummed his guitar with ease, his eyes focused on his fingers. Someone wolf whistled and he looked up, smirking out at the crowd.  
  
Merlin’s mouth dropped open, captivated as Gwaine sang, by the timbre of his voice, the way it echoed, the way everybody hung onto his every word in anticipation of the next note, the next lyric. He was playing with them, leading them on, and it was intoxicating.  
  
Morgana looked shocked as well, and Gwen lent over to Merlin and murmured, “I am so jealous of you right now.”  
  
Merlin nodded dumbly.   
  
“I told you he was good,” Arthur said, taking a sip of his beer.   
  
Gwaine finished his song to a cheering audience, and Merlin stood up and whistled, laughing at Gwaine’s smug expression.   
  
“Now… the next song is something you’ll all enjoy, I’m sure.”   
  
He started plucking out notes on the guitar, and Merlin frowned in recognition.  
  
“Is that…?”  
  
Arthur barked out a laugh as Gwaine started singing.   
  
“ _Yeah, yeah, when I walk on by girls be looking like damn he fly. I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah._ ”  
  
“Oh. My God,” Morgana said, choking on her drink and laughing.   
  
Gwen squinted up at Gwaine. “He is quite sexy, though.”   
  
“Gwen!” Morgana said indignantly.   
  
“What? He  _is._ ”   
  
The audience was cheering, and Gwaine was lapping it up, pleased with himself.   
  
 _“I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it… I'm sexy and I know it._ ”  
  
Merlin shifted in his seat, uncomfortably aware of his erection. He jumped when he felt Arthur’s hand suddenly rest on his thigh.  
  
“Are you  _hard,_ Merlin?” Arthur asked, his voice low in Merlin’s ear.   
  
Merlin shifted again, Arthur’s hand rising higher on his thigh,  _so close._ Merlin squirmed as the tips of Arthur’s fingers traced over his erection.  
  
“Don’t tease,” he murmured with a small smile.  
  
Arthur threw his head back and laughed, and Merlin glared at him.   
  
“Don’t tell me that you aren’t arousedin the slightest,” he said indignantly.   
  
Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hand then, pressing his palm into the bulge that was now evident. Merlin groaned at the feel of Arthur’s erection, and saw Arthur biting his lip, stifling his own groan.    
  
“Okay,  _fine,”_ Merlin said, snatching his hand back, his neck hot.   
  
“It’s nice having a singer to date, isn’t it?” Arthur said with a smile.  
  
Merlin hooked an arm around Arthur’s neck, bringing him in for a heated kiss, all gasps, the taste of Arthur’s hot breath and biting teeth.  
  
When finally Morgana and Gwen’s gagging sounds got too distracting, Merlin let him go. “It’s nice having both of you for boyfriends.”   
  
It filled Merlin with satisfaction to finally use that word, and with that satisfaction came a longing for more. More chances to say it, more ways to explore their relationship. Merlin shifted in his seat, knowing what he wanted to do.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
Gwaine was leaning against a wall outside when the five of them left the club, his guitar in one hand and his jacket in the other.   
  
“I made 120 bucks in tips.”   
  
Arthur laughed. “And how many of them were because you agreed to show women your abs?”  
  
Gwaine hit Arthur in the chest. “ _Shut up._ ”  
  
“Well, on that note, me and Gwen will leave you three boys to it,” Morgana said, rolling her eyes. She looked extraordinarily like Arthur when she did that.   
  
They hailed a taxi, and Morgana and Gwen hugged the boys goodbye.  
  
“Have fun,” Morgana said, raising an eyebrow before getting in the taxi. Merlin laughed and shook his head as he watched them drive off.  
  
“Shall we head back to mine?” he asked. “It’s closer.”   
  
Gwaine shrugged his jacket on, pulling the collar up around his ears. He looked over at Merlin in surprise. “I thought Arthur and I were just going to head home, unless you have other plans?” he said cockily, wiggling his eyebrows.   
  
Merlin couldn’t help it then, his body moving forward on it’s own volition. He grabbed the collar of Gwaine’s jacket and pulled him forward for a kiss, deepening it immediately, tracing his tongue over Gwaine’s teeth, their noses bumping as Merlin’s hands came up to hold the sides of Gwaine’s face. And then they broke apart, both of them gasping. Merlin’s erection throbbed.   
  
“I have plans,” Merlin said, not recognising the gravelly tone of his own voice.   
  
 For the first time since they had met, Gwaine look flustered, taken aback.   
  
“What brought this on?” he asked.   
  
Merlin bit his lips. “I’m ready, I know I am, and I want you…” he looked over to Arthur, at his flushed cheeks and bitten lips and his eyes, pupils blown wide. “I want both of you.”   
  
“Okay,” Arthur breathed.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
Merlin pushed Arthur against the hallway wall as soon as they stumbled into the apartment, his lips on Arthur’s neck, biting, licking from his jaw and sucking at his adam’s apple. Arthur groaned, throwing his head back further.   
  
“ _I want you_ ,” Merlin breathed.   
  
Then Gwaine was there, peeling off Merlin’s shirt. His chest was already bare, and when Merlin turned back to Arthur it was to see that he had also thrown his shirt on the floor.  
  
“You can pick that up in the morning,” Merlin muttered, knowing that otherwise Arthur would leave him to do it. He smiled, pulling Arthur in for another kiss.   
  
Gwaine pressed behind him, balancing himself with the wall, his hands on either side of Merlin and Arthur. Merlin gasped as Gwaine’s erection rubbed against his arse, and he bucked into Arthur, all three of them groaning at the sensation.   
  
Merlin wiggled his way out from between the two men then, breathing heavily.  
  
“Lets take this to bed, yeah?” he asked.   
  
They both nodded, stumbling with Merlin into his bedroom, hands constantly brushing each other, smiles wide.   
  
Merlin hooked a thumb around the waistband of his pants, and drew them off slowly, along with his underwear.   
  
Arthur and Gwaine groaned from behind him, and Merlin swallowed, turning to face them. They both still wore their pants, and the vulnerability Merlin felt being naked in front of these still half-clothed men was strangely exciting, because he wasn’t afraid. He trusted them.  
  
“I nearly forgot how beautiful you were,” Arthur said.   
  
Gwaine smiled then, drawing Merlin into a kiss. “I didn’t.”   
  
And then, suddenly, there was a beeping sound from Arthur’s pocket as his phone rang.   
  
Gwaine pulled away from Merlin. “Ignore it,” he said, before resuming his nibbling of Merlin’s lower neck and collarbones.   
  
But Merlin looked up to see the expression on Arthur’s face, the way his body had stilled. Four beeps, stopping briefly, then four beeps again. It repeated.   
  
“Arthur?” Merlin questioned.   
  
“Come on,” Gwaine groaned, resting his face in Merlin’s neck. “Just ignore it, Arthur.”   
  
“That’s the ringtone for my father,” Arthur said softly. Disbelievingly.   
  
Gwaine turned around.   
  
“Then definitely ignore it! That bastard doesn’t deserve a second of your time.”   
  
Arthur’s expression grew hard, but his arms wrapped around his naked torso. “I… It’s my father, Gwaine. It must be important.”  
  
“ _This_ is important!”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and resting his hand on Gwaine’s lower back.  
  
“It’s okay,” he said. “We can try this another time.”  
  
The mood had effectively been completely ruined anyway, lust for Arthur replaced by concern, and he watched as Arthur looked down at the phone he had pulled from his pocket.  
  
“Answer the phone, Arthur, we’re right here.”   
  
Gwaine let out an angry breath but nodded jerkily in agreement.   
  
Arthur stared at the phone for a second, watching as it rang for a fourth time, then answered.   
  
“Father?”   
  
He stared into space as he listened to his father’s voice, then turned away from Merlin and Gwaine, facing the wall behind him.  
  
“Me too,” he murmured.   
  
Merlin sighed, leaning down to pick up his underwear and pull them on. He stretched out on the bed, and slowly, Gwaine joined him. Merlin turned his head to look at him, at how Gwaine’s hair nearly reached his shoulders now, and that he was really in need of a shave, and how his lips looked swollen and bitten.   
  
“This wasn’t how I thought it would go,” said Gwaine.  
  
Merlin smiled. “These things rarely go as planned,” he murmured, glancing over to where Arthur was muttering into the phone.  
  
Gwaine rolled over onto his side then, propping his head up on his palm. “You wanted to do it though, didn’t you?”   
  
“Yeah.”

  
“That means something, right? I mean… a few weeks ago you didn’t want anything at all.”   
  
“It felt good when you called me boyfriend,” Merlin confessed. “When you called all three of us  _boyfriends._ I liked that. And I realised, I guess, that we’re in a relationship. And that’s what I was afraid of, wasn’t it? After Freya? But now I’ve found myself realising that what we had going all along was a relationship, and why run from it? I trust you, and god knows, I  _want you_.”   
  
Gwaine laughed, rolling onto his back again and staring up at the ceiling. Merlin studied the slope of his nose for a while, tuning out Arthur’s muttering so he could have some privacy.   
  
And then Arthur hung up the phone, turning back to them, his face blank. Merlin and Gwaine sat up.   
  
“Are you okay?” Merlin asked.   
  
Arthur sat down on the bed heavily. “He… he wants me to come back home and work for him.”   
  
“Arthur…”   
  
“You said no, didn’t you?” Gwaine asked.   
  
Arthur sighed, running a hand through his hair and down his face, and nodded. “Yeah… I said no.”  
  
Gwaine sighed in relief, and Merlin flopped back down on the bed. “What else did he say?”   
  
Merlin could see Arthur’s hands wringing in his lap, but not his face as he started to speak. “He said he was… sorry, for not being as accepting as he could have been. And he said that the company needed me back, that I could still inherit it if I came back. And that he… missed me. When I told him no, he hung up on me.”  
  
There was silence.   
  
“I’m sorry Arthur,” Merlin breathed.  
  
He could read between the lines of what Uther said. He remembers Morgana telling him that Uther was tricky, clever, that he loves his children but manipulates them. And saying he was ‘not as accepting as he  _could_ have been’ didn’t mean that Uther accepted him. Arthur had done the right thing.  
  
“How about we just go to bed, okay?” Merlin suggested, rubbing Arthur’s back as he slumped down onto the bed.    
  
Soon enough all three of them were under the covers, Arthur in the middle.   
  
“I’m so confused,” he said, his eyes shut.  
  
Gwaine kissed him gently, and Merlin pressed harder against Arthur’s back.  
  
“We’ll figure it out okay?” Gwaine murmured.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
The early morning light was gentle when Merlin woke, still pressed against Arthur. He smiled, stretching, and rolled onto his back.  
  
Merlin liked waking up here with Arthur and Gwaine, their bodies entwined. And sometimes Merlin felt a stab of guilt because this was  _his and Freya’s_ bedroom, but he shook the thought away, because Freya was gone, and it was time to make new memories here.   
  
Gently he ran his fingertips along Arthur’s spine, traced it all the way down to the waistband of his track pants. Arthur shifted in his sleep.   
  
Merlin moved closer, rolling onto his side again, and pressed a kiss to the nape of Arthur’s neck, then the top of his spine, his shoulder blades.   
  
“Merlin?” Arthur asked sleepily.   
  
Merlin smiled. “Yeah?”  
  
“S’good.”   
  
Merlin kissed back up to Arthur’s neck, sucking there gently, wrapping an arm around Arthur’s waist, his fingers tracing over his stomach.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Arthur nodded, still not facing him. “Yeah.”   
  
Merlin pulled Arthur’s earlobe with his teeth gently. “Mmm,” Arthur said.   
  
Gwaine shifted from the other side of Arthur, and Merlin heard the smacking sound of their two mouths moving slowly together. He smiled, and pressed his body fully against Arthur, his erection rubbing against Arthur’s thigh.  
  
One of Merlin’s fingertips ran over Arthur side, and Arthur squirmed away. “Ticklish,” he murmured.   
  
Merlin laughed, and Arthur rolled onto his back. His hair was in disarray, his eyes heavy and sleepy. The soft blue light made everything seem muted, gentle, slow, and it filled Merlin with a strange warmth. Then he looked over at Gwaine, whose hair was too long and whose eyes were also sleepy, lips red and full, and the feeling doubled, tripled.   
  
Merlin sat up, and Gwaine did too, and they leaned forward to share a slow, gentle kiss over Arthur. Gwaine’s stubble rubbed Merlin’s cheek, and he smiled into the kiss. Gwaine laughed and pulled back.   
  
Arthur was pushing the hair out of his eyes, his pupils wide, as Merlin looked down at him. Merlin smiled, and slowly slid his boxers off, throwing them on the floor.   
  
Merlin watched as Gwaine did the same, and he bit his lip at the sight of Gwaine’s naked body, the clenching muscles of his stomach and his hard length. He smiled as Gwaine helped Arthur out of his track pants, pulling them off in a less than graceful move.  
  
Arthur was already hard, and he sat up slightly, leaning against the headboard.   
  
He shut his eyes as Merlin threw a leg over him and straddled his stomach, his erection sliding against the top of Merlin’s ass. Merlin groaned at the feeling of Arthur, and he stroked his own cock a few times, laughing at the desperate look on Arthur’s face.   
  
Then Arthur bucked up as Gwaine took his length in his mouth, moaning around Arthur’s cock. “Jesus...,” Arthur muttered.   
  
Merlin leant forward, and slowly kissed Arthur, taking his time, capturing Arthur’s bottom lip between his own, their breaths intermingling.   
  
Arthur gasped into Merlin’s mouth as Gwaine did something with his tongue, and Merlin pulled back.   
  
“I want…”   
  
“Yeah,” Arthur said.  
  
Gwaine sat up, and Merlin slid off Arthur.   
  
“Condoms?” Gwaine asked.   
  
Merlin smiled, going into the bathroom and bringing back condoms and lube. “I wanted to be prepared, in case…” He trailed off as he watched Gwaine and Arthur kiss.  
  
They were more experienced with each other, that much was obvious. Merlin watched as Gwaine pulled away from Arthur’s mouth, trailing kisses along his jaw, down his neck, avoiding all the ticklish areas and biting gently at the places that made Arthur thrust his hips into the air and moan. He sucked at the base of Arthur’s neck and between his collarbones, swirled his tongue around each nipple and in his navel.   
  
Merlin stroked his cock slowly and shuddered, arousal curling deep in his belly at the sight of Arthur and Gwaine intertwined.  
  
“C’mere,” Arthur murmured, his eyes flicking over to Merlin.   
  
Merlin smiled, and perched on the edge of the bed.  
  
“How do you want to do this?” he asked.   
  
“How about…” Gwaine pulled Merlin onto the bed. “Kneel in between Arthur’s legs, like… that.” Arthur spread his leg wide, and Merlin tried not to groan at the sight of Arthur spread out on the bed as he settled between his legs. “Now lean over him,” Gwaine muttered, his voice low and wanting. Merlin did as he said, his hands on either side of Arthur, who smiled up at him.   
  
Merlin leant down slighty and drew Arthur into a kiss, and Gwaine groaned behind him. Merlin started as Gwaine ran his hands along the inside of Merlin’s thighs, and shivered as Gwaine kissed the bottom of his spine.  
  
“Are you ready to…?”   
  
Merlin looked over his shoulder and nodded at Gwaine, who smiled.   
  
There was the sound of the lube bottle being opened and then Gwaines finger was there, stretching him open. Merlin pushed back, testing. “Another,” he murmured.   
  
Gwaine added another finger, curling them, and Merlin gasped, bucking back into his hand. Then Arthur was there, his hands on the side of Merlin’s face as Merlin shifted so he was resting on his elbows. Arthur kissed Merlin’s jaw, then his mouth, and Merlin gasped into the kiss as Gwaine hit a spot inside of him.   
  
“Is that good?” Arthur asked.   
  
“Mmm.” He pushed back against Gwaine’s hand, resting his head in the crook of Arthur’s neck. “More,” Merlin murmured into Arthur’s skin, and Gwaine added another finger, thrusting.  
  
Eventually Gwaine pulled his fingers out of Merlin, who let out a needy sound and groaned.

  
“Soon,” Arthur said, brushing the hair out of Merlin’s sweaty face.   
  
There was the sound of a condom packet being ripped open, and Gwaine’s hands rested on his hips.   
  
“Are you ok?” he asked, his voice gentle.   
  
“Yes,  _please_ ,” Merlin whined.   
  
Gwaine kissed his spine again, and Merlin groaned, pushing his ass back.   
  
“Come on,” he muttered.   
  
Then Gwaine pressed into him slowly, and Merlin squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
“Hey, look at me,” Arthur said, running his fingers down Merlin’s nose. Merlin opened his eyes to see Arthur smiling up at him.  
  
“You’re beautiful,” he said. And Merlin smiled, pressing a kiss to Arthur’s neck as Gwaine thrust shallowly.   
  
Merlin gasped, overwhelmed at how _full_ he felt, at how hard he was and how badly he needed to come.   
  
“I’m not going to last…” he said, groaning as Gwaine settled in at an angle that hit  _just_ right.   
  
Gwaine ran his hands down Merlin’s spine, then grasped his hips again, moving slowly.  
  
He groaned, “Me neither.”   
  
And they moved together, Arthur swallowing Merlin’s gasps and groans, kissing him deeply, and Merlin was overwhelmed by their bodies, by their care, but this time he welcomed it wholeheartedly, pushing back hard as he could.   
  
“Gwaine…,” Merlin groaned, and Gwaine seemed to realise what he was wanting, because he reached a hand around and started to stroke Merlin’s cock in time with his thrusts.   
  
Merlin’s arms trembled and Arthur was bucking up, his erection brushing against Merlin’s stomach, and Gwaine thrusted  _harder,_ and faster,and stroked and then Merlin came, gasping, into Gwaine’s hand. And then Gwaine was coming too, Merlin’s body tightening around him, and he thrust one final time and settled, groaning. Arthur followed soon after, stroking his own erection, gasping at the sight of the two of them.   
  
Merlin slumped down, burrowing his face in Arthur’s neck as Gwaine pulled out slowly and moved away to deposit the condom.  
  
Arthur’s chest was heaving, and Merlin smiled.  
  
Gwaine came back then with a warm cloth, cleaning Merlin up slowly before laying down next to them. Merlin rolled off Arthur, settling in between the two men.   
  
Gwaine kissed his neck gently, and Arthur grasped his hand.  
  
“Are you okay?” Gwaine asked.   
  
Merlin laughed. “Yeah, very okay.”  
  
There was a silence as each man revelled in the moment, smiling. Then Merlin groaned.   
  
“What?” Arthur asked, his voice concerned.   
  
Merlin rubbed his eyes. “I’m bloody going to have to tell Morgana about this, aren’t I?”   
  
Arthur threw an arm over his face. “Merlin,  _please_ don’t ever bring up my sister after we’ve had sex again.”   
  
Merlin laughed.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
Things settled into a routine again, and Merlin finally realised, all of a sudden, that happiness had crept up on him.   
  
He’d spent so long worrying about whether he would  _ever_ be happy without Freya, and now suddenly he found himself in a place where he was. And even though he still felt this awful guilt in the back of his head ( _how can you be happy when Freya is_ dead? _)_ Merlin tried to ignore it, because he had to stay in the day, in the moment.    
  
Morgana had laughed when she’d seen Merlin.   
  
“You’ve got a stupid grin on your face,” she said. The she paused, realisation dawning on her face. “Oh god, you’re shagging my brother and Gwaine now, aren’t you?”   
  
Merlin had said nothing, but his smile had grown wider and Morgana squealed in a way completely unlike her and slapped Merlin on the arm.  
  
“You are! You dirty bastard, going all ménage-a-trios on us.”

The people in the street near them hadn’t appreciated the comment, but Merlin couldn’t help but laugh.   
  
And Will called too, excited that Merlin had ‘finally got some’. Merlin hung up on him, immediately calling Morgana to tell her to ‘stop bloody calling Will whenever something happens in my life.’  
  
He went to the club to watch Gwaine perform more, smiling as he heard the new song Gwaine had added to his set list.   
  
 _Your body is a wonderland, I’ll use my hands. Your body is a wonderland... Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face, I love the shape you make when crawling towards the pillowcase_...  
  
He drank too much that night, and Gwaine had laughed as he dragged a happy Merlin home, fending off Merlin’s attempts to undo his pants in the middle of the street. Merlin did eventually manage it at home, though.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
Merlin finished early at work and decided to surprise Gwen at the bakery. Her face lit up as he walked through the door, and it made Merlin smile.   
  
“You haven’t come here in ages!” she said, hugging him and getting flour all over his shirt.   
  
“You know what that means?” Merlin asked.   
  
Gwen shook her head.   
  
“It means I’m long overdue for some free cupcakes.”   
  
Gwen laughed and hit him, but went and got him some cake and hot chocolate, and because the shop was empty, she sat down with him.   
  
“You look good,” Gwen said, eyeing him over her own cup of hot chocolate.  
  
Merlin bit vigorously into his cake. “I feel good.”   
  
Gwen rolled her eyes, brushing crumbs from the table.   
  
“Love suits you.”   
  
Merlin coughed, choking on his cake before taking a sip of his drink.   
  
“I’m sorry… what?”   
  
Gwen shrugged, checking the door of the bakery to make sure no customers were arriving before turning back to Merlin.   
  
“You thrive when you’re in love,” she said. “Those good months, with Freya, I’d never seen you look so happy. By the end though…”   
  
She trailed off, and Merlin bit his lip.   
  
“I’m not in love with Gwaine and Arthur,” Merlin said. “I mean, I feel  _something_ for them, of course. I get… I don’t know, worried for them, and I care about whether they’re happy or sad, and I like seeing them all the time, and sometimes I get these strange feelings in my chest, and…”  
  
Gwen laughed. “That’s love!”   
  
“No!” Merlin stammered. “That’s like, indigestion! Maybe I’m getting heartburn or something…”   
  
Gwen leant back in her chair. “Why are you denying it so much? You should be happy!”   
  
“Because I’m not in love!” Merlin barked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Because I’m still in love with Freya!”   
  
Gwen’s face was gentle. “No, you’re not.”   
  
“How would you know what I do and don’t feel?” Merlin snapped, because Gwen was out of line, and Gwen didn’t know  _anything_ about Merlin’s emotions, about his relationships.  
  
“Oh  _Merlin_ ,” she sighed, looking at him pityingly.  
  
Merlin pushed back his chair, standing up. He couldn’t stand that look - as though she thought she was better than him,  _wiser_  than him. “Don’t you dare patronise me just because... just because you think you know my life, my emotions.”    
  
Gwen stood up too, abruptly, looking afraid. She grabbed Merlin’s arm, and he had to restrain himself from shaking her off. “Don’t go, Merlin, you just arrived. I’m sorry, all right. I’m just glad to see you happy.”   
  
Merlin sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Let’s just forget about this whole conversation, okay?”   
  
Gwen nodded, biting her lip, a habit she hadn’t started until Merlin began living with them.   
  
He sat back down, and Gwen slowly joined him at the table again. “I don’t want to fight,” she said.   
  
“Just… don’t say things like that again,” Merlin murmured, wringing his hands.   
  
“Okay,” Gwen said, looking concerned. 

  
Merlin nodded jerkily, and looked away.   
  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *

  
At home alone, Merlin sat with his phone in his hands, and wondered why he hadn’t told his mother a about his new relationship yet.   
  
It just felt… fragile. And he just wasn’t ready to share that with his mother, because it was personal, and confusing and sometimes he really wasn’t sure what he was feeling, and sometimes he was  _afraid_ of what he was feeling.  
  
Merlin went over to the closet door, opening it up and searching inside his suit jacket pocket. He pulled out the blue velvet box he’d stashed there, and held it in his hands, not opening it.   
  
With Freya… things had felt certain. He’d help her get better – she’d help  _herself_ get better, and then they would have a long future ahead of them. It was what he had wanted, what  _Freya_ had wanted. It was a hard dream to let go of.  
  
But Merlin was trying. He lived day-to-day, he kept focused on what he was doing  _now,_ and he’d slowly managed to think of a future with  _Arthur and Gwaine._  
  
So why was the future suddenly so… frightening?   
  
Merlin placed the box gently in his nightstand, along with his phone, and got into bed, pulling the duvet covers up.   
  
He slept restlessly that night.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                        *  
  
When Merlin stepped in to Gwaine and Arthur’s apartment, opening the door with the key that they’d given to him, the first thing he saw was their naked bodies.   
  
And something in Merlin’s chest twisted uncomfortably at the sight of Arthur taking Gwaine in his mouth, his blue eyes fixated on Gwaine’s face. Something like jealousy, and it sat bitterly within Merlin, because he very rarely experienced it.   
  
With Freya, it was always the two of them. They were each other’s worlds – they knew each other intimately.   
  
But Merlin wasn’t there with Arthur and Gwaine yet, and he was all too aware of the past they had, together. Of how much better they knew each other, of how Arthur knew every part of Gwaine’s body better than he knew his own.   
  
And it would take time for Merlin to get to that point, he knew that. But that didn’t stop the jealousy. That didn’t stop the realisation that maybe, maybe he was getting in deeper than he thought he would.   
  
Merlin turned away as Gwaine let out a long groan, and came into Arthur’s mouth.   
  
He pushed a hand through his hair, and bit his lip, suddenly unsure about  _everything_.


	7. PART SEVEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

“We haven’t seen you in a while,” Arthur said as they washed the plates from dinner.  
  
Merlin shook out the tea-towel, and stacked the rest of the plates onto the drying rack   
  
“Yeah, right, sorry,” he muttered. He stalked into the lounge room then, uncomfortable. When he looked up, the two men were staring at him from the doorway.   
  
“Did you have something to say?”   
  
“ _Merlin_ ,” Gwaine said, exasperated.   
  
“What?”  
  
Arthur sighed. “Has something happened? Have we done something wrong?”   
  
“No! Why would you even think that?”   
  
“Maybe because we haven’t heard from you in a week and a half, after nearly two months of us getting closer…”  
  
“And sex!”   
  
Arthur rolled his eyes at Gwaine. “…  _And_  after two months of brilliant sex. Why are you starting to shut us out now?”     
  
Merlin looked away. “I’m not shutting anyoneout,” he said.   
  
Arthur let out a sharp, bark of a laugh. “That’s apparently what you  _do_ Merlin. You get scared, and shut people out.”  
  
“Arthur…” Gwaine said, his voice wary.   
  
Arthur ignored him. “I spoke to Morgana, when you didn’t return out calls. She told me how you didn’t talk to  _anyone_ after Freya’s death. Because shutting people out is so much easier, isn’t it Merlin? What happened, what made you so afraid? Did you  _fall in love_ like Gwen thought?” he sneered.  
  
This time Gwaine laid a hand on Arthur’s shoulder, trying to get him to stop talking. Merlin stumbled back at Arthur’s words, feeling betrayed by Morgana, feeling betrayed by Gwen, feeling so goddamn hurt by  _Arthur_.   
  
“How  _dare_ you!” he shouted, tears in his eyes. Arthur was shaking, and Gwaine looked uneasy between the two men – afraid.   
  
And the awful part of it was that somewhere deep inside him, Merlin recognised the truth in Arthur’s words. That he was running scared. That he was frightened of his feelings, of the intensity of his feelings, and that it was much easier to hide, to forget.  
  
“You don’t know  _anything_ ,” Merlin said, furious all at once. “You don’t know how hard this is for me. This is my first relationship after Freya, did you think it was going to be a fucking  _breeze_?”   
  
“Don’t play the martyr, Merlin. Stop making Freya’s death the excuse for all your problems!”   
  
Merlin wiped angrily at the tears on his cheeks, and swung around, stomping into his bedroom.   
  
“Where are you going?” Gwaine called after him.   
  
Merlin swiped the velvet box off of his bedside table, and stormed angrily back into the lounge room. He threw the box at Arthur, who caught it and opened it cautiously, his lips thinning when he saw the beautiful diamond ring.  
  
“I had a whole future planned out with her, did you know that? Did Morgana tell you  _that_? I thought she’d been getting better, so I went out and bought an engagement ring, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And she died the very next day I bought this ring, before I could get the chance to even propose to her. Do you know how hard it is, to give up that future? To replace it with a new one, without her?”   
  
“We know, Merlin.” Gwaine’s voice was gentle, a startlingly contrast to Arthur’s vibrating anger. “But… you can’t hold on to that anymore. You can’t… push us away because you’re afraid to start a new future, with us.”   
  
“You weren’t happy with her!” Arthur interjected, his face red. “You… you’re happy with  _us_ , and you’re going to throw all that away for a  _memory?_  Why are you running away from this?” Arthur’s voice bordered on something like desperation, a strange hurt tinging the end of the sentence, his breath catching.   
  
Merlin stood frozen, rooted to the spot, unable to do anything but take huge gasps of breath. And maybe that was the truth, maybe Merlin was happier when he was with Arthur and Gwaine, maybe loving Freya hadn’t been worth living with her, maybe it had been too hard. But that didn’t matter, none of that mattered, because it was an impossible thing to compare – Arthur and Gwaine with Freya. And why should he compare them? How  _dare_ Arthur make him compare them?   
  
Because on her good days, Freya was so magnificent – she was so fucking beautiful and no one, not Morgana, or Gwen, or even his mother knew just how fantastic Freya was. And even on her bad days, Merlin had loved her, had thought she was beautiful, because that was Freya, and he couldn’t love her properly without learning to love her when she was in the grips of her disease as well.   
  
And the truth was that part of him was  _furious_ with Freya, furious that she gave up, furious that he hadn’t been enough for her. She gave up, and now she’d left Merlin. And nothing could stop him from mourning her because she’d consumed his good days and his bad ones and even through all that he’d imagined a future with her, and he couldn’t just forget that. He couldn't.    
  
And maybe he loved Arthur and Gwaine; maybe he loved them enough to see a future with them. But not yet. And all through their relationship he’d been focused on the here and now because he was so goddamn afraid of seeing his future stretched out before him, a future absent of Freya, absent of the dream he’d had for Freya and himself.  
  
“I can’t do this anymore,” Merlin said, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t… I can’t sit here and listen to you talk about something you know absolutely  _nothing_ about.”   
  
“Don’t run away from this Merlin,  _please_ ,” Gwaine said, his voice stilted, choked.   
  
“Don’t fucking blame me for this!” Merlin yelled. “I can’t help it if you’re  _pushing_ me out the door. How  _dare_ you come in here and make insinuations about my relationship with Freya when you know  _nothing_ about it. Maybe we weren’t the perfect couple, but we were getting there! We could have been happy…”   
  
“It’s not about ‘could haves’, Merlin! It’s about here and now, and maybe... maybe we’re not good enough for you,” Arthur’s voice was shaking, “and if you don’t want us then just say!”   
  
“I don’t want you,” he said flatly. It was a lie, he could feel it, down in his bones, how much of a lie it was and it made him ache because he was saying it anyway. He just wanted them out, for now, he wanted them out, and he didn’t want to think about the mess he’d made of this relationship, the mess he’d made of his life.   
  
“That’s not true,” Gwaine said.   
  
“I. Don’t. Want. You.” Merlin was shaking, his hands, his legs, his voice.   
  
“Fine,” Arthur said. He turned from Merlin, pulling Gwaine’s arm.   
  
Gwaine looked at Merlin for a long moment, tears in his eyes.   
  
“Come  _on_ ,” Arthur grunted, pulling on his arm again.   
  
Gwaine let himself be pulled out of the apartment, and the front door slammed with an awful finality.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Freya died at 4:54pm on December 18th.  
  
Merlin had stayed back late at work because Gaius needed help restocking some shelves. The engagement ring he’d bought the day before had been heavy in his pocket, and he hadn’t been able to stop smiling all day.   
  
 _“Merlin if you don’t get that ridiculous look off of your face I’m going to kick you out of the store. What is going on?” Gaius said, exasperated._  
  
 _Merlin laughed. “I’m just… happy.”_  
  
 _Gaius’s frown softened a bit, but he didn’t look convinced. “Tell me_ why _.”_  
  
 _And all of a sudden, Merlin couldn’t restrain his joy, couldn’t keep the news to himself any longer. He pulled the box out of his pocket, showing it to Gaius._  
  
 _“Is that…?”_  
  
 _“I’m going to propose to Freya!” Merlin interrupted, grinning excitedly._  
  
 _Gaius took a deep breath, looking shocked._  
  
 _“Are you sure, my boy?” he asked, looking concerned._  
  
 _Merlin’s grin faded. “Yes. Why? Aren’t you happy for me?”_  
  
 _“I am,” Gaius reassured, a small smile appearing on his face. “I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing, what you’re getting into.”_  
  
 _Merlin looked away. “She’s been getting better.”_  
  
 _“Okay,” Gaius said, putting an arm around Merlin’s shoulders, deciding to put the issue to rest. “Congratulations.”_  
  
 _Merlin’s grin reappeared on his face. “I’m going to ask her tomorrow, maybe. Or maybe next week. On our rooftop, and it’s going to be really romantic, and oh god, Gaius, you_ can’t  _tell Gwen or Morgana or anyone! Promise! It has to be a surprise!”_  
  
 _“I promise,” Gaius said with a laugh._  
  
 _Merlin looked at him seriously then. “You’re like a father to me, Gaius. I… I want you to be my best man at my wedding.”_  
  
 _“She hasn’t said yes yet, Merlin!”_  
  
 _Merlin laughed, practically skipping out of the store. “Technicalities!”_  
  
Merlin remembers opening the door to his apartment, the way the shadows seemed elongated on the hallway walls, the nervous breath he’d held in even though he hadn’t known why.  
  
He remembers the blood.  
  
Freya’s body,  _Freya,_ in the bath, and red, red everywhere.   
  
He remembers the phone call to Morgana, the ambulance people rushing in, Morgana bundling Merlin up in a blanket as he rocked, stunned. He remembers how Gwen had thrown up, even though she hadn’t even  _seen_ anything, and how she’d cried into Merlin’s shoulder.   
  
He remembers asking for a moment to himself, and walking slowly, wearily, to his bedroom. Taking the velvet box out of his pocket, and staring at it in disbelief before shutting it away in the top drawer of his bedside table. He  remembers wondering what was going to happen now, all the impossible questions running through his head. Who would take care of the funeral? Insurance? Freya’s business? Who would ring his mother? Who would ring  _her_ mother? And it was morbid, but all he could think of were the practicalities because that was all he could handle. Not the truth, not the bare reality of what he’d just seen, what had just happened… but then it all came rushing back and he crumbled, because  _Freya was dead._  
  
Freya was dead.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Gwen dressed him for the funeral, had picked the black suit out of his closet, the black shirt and shoes. She’d even handed him a pair of sunglasses, as if that would hide  _anything._  
  
Freya’s mother had decided on cremation.   
  
Merlin wished she’d been buried instead, the thought of Freya’s beautiful face burning sending shivers down his spine. He’d said nothing though, instead accepting the ashes that Mel had tipped into his hand and letting the wind pick them up. They drifted into the sea and Merlin watched as the rest of the funeral party scattered ashes as well. Maybe that was fitting, that Freya was finally free – free from pain, free from everything, adrift, on the wind, in the endless ocean.  
  
Merlin barely remembers the wake, barely remembers the argument with Will he’d had. Merlin’s uncontrollable anger had erupted at Will’s careless comment (‘ _at least maybe Merlin can find someone healthier for him’_ ), and for the first time in his life he’d seen genuine fear and regret flash across Will’s face.  
  
Hunith had taken Merlin’s arm and led him back to the car, back to his apartment.  
  
He doesn’t remember much after that at all.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
The next time he woke from his daze was when his mother was finally leaving to return to work and move back home.   
  
Hunith had already helped Merlin sort out Freya’s business, the insurance, the transfer of her rent into his name. She’d spoken to Gaius for him, because Merlin couldn’t bear to look in the man’s eyes.   
  
The first night after she’d left for her flight, Merlin watched TV, the duvet pulled up to his chin, the couch lumpy beneath him, drinking red wine.   
  
The apartment was quiet, and Merlin suddenly thought of all the nights he’d had with Freya, the good ones and the bad, and how even when the silence between them was strained and despairing, he could hear her breaths and see her face and know that maybe not today, and maybe not the next, but soon, things would get better.   
  
But now they couldn’t.   
  
The glass had been thrown before he’d even registered his own movement, and it shattered against the wall, the red wine dripping down onto the floor. He knew that it would leave a stain, and as Merlin looked at it all he could see was  _Freya’s blood dripping into the bathtub, oozing on the tiled wall._  
  
He left it there because it served as a reminder. Every time he woke up there would be no disorientation, no reaching for Freya, because the first thing he saw was the wine stain, and it reminded him of the truth. And that kept him sane until Morgana came barging into Merlin’s apartment talking about firemen.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Merlin looked around his apartment now, at the scrubbed-clean wall, at the changes that had been made and the rooms that now echoed with Arthur and Gwaine’s laughs and gasps and moans, and thought, maybe, he’d lost too much this time.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
 _Message received yesterday at 3:48am._  
 _‘Merlin… I, I heard about what happened. Please call me, please. I’m_ sorry _. Call me.’_  
  
  
 _Message received yesterday at 6:03am._  
 _‘Merlin, it’s Gwen… Morgana said she called earlier. We’re sorry. We’re so sorry. We shouldn’t have said anything to Arthur or Gwaine; it was your private business. And… and now look what we’ve done. We just… we wanted you to be_ happy  _Merlin, that’s all. Please pick up the phone. Please.’_

  
 _Message received today at 2:34pm._  
 _‘Merlin please don’t shut yourself away again. Please call me back. I’m_ sorry _. I don’t now how much I can say it. I’m_ sorry. _’_  
  
There were more messages from Morgana and Gwen, but Merlin pressed delete all before he could listen to the rest.   
  
They had betrayed him, and that stung worse than almost anything Arthur or Gwaine had said. Morgana and Gwen had spilled his fears and secrets out to them as if it were idle gossip, with no care at all about how Merlin would feel.   
  
And what did  _Morgana_ know about the numbness he’d felt after Freya’s death? About the disbelief? Maybe Merlin had been pushing everyone away, but he’d also been trying to claw his way back to the surface, back to life, in the only way he knew how. Did she not understand that?   
  
And what did Gwen know about  _love_? About being in love with someone who was no longer here, that couldn’t love you back? About not being able to let go of that love, because all you can do is cling to it and pretend? And maybe he  _had_ pushed away from Arthur and Gwaine, but he’d been afraid, terrified, and he’d needed to catch his breath. Because slowly he was seeing a future without Freya, a future with Arthur and Gwaine and what if he  _had_  been falling in love with them? What if he had?  
  
He certainly hadn’t expected it to hurt this badly when they were gone.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
That night Merlin dreamed of Freya.   
  
It was an odd dream. Peaceful.   
  
She was standing on their rooftop, the sun shining in her face, and she was beautiful, her brown hair flowing behind her, her eyes wide, and she was smiling at Merlin. Beaming.   
  
Merlin took a step towards her, hesitantly, because everything felt fragile, distant, like he was moving through water. The wind was rushing around them, the sun setting.   
  
Freya stepped forward, putting a hand on his cheek, and Merlin turned his head, kissing her palm.  
  
“Anger is an exhausting emotion,” she said.  
  
Merlin didn’t deny it, because he was so  _tired_. And Freya gazed at him, her eyes bright, knowing. She could see the anger in his eyes - his anger at  _her,_ at Morgana and Gwen, and Arthur and Gwaine.  
  
“It’s okay,” she said, cupping his cheek again.   
  
Merlin leant into her touch and Freya’s fingers trailed down his nose, over his lips.   
  
She smiled, the corner of her lips twitching up. “Fight for them, Merlin.” Her voice turned into a whisper, and she was disappearing, and Merlin struggled to remember whether this was a dream or whether it was a memory.  
  
And Merlin woke with a start, an ache in his chest and his hands trembling, surrounded by blankets that still smelt like Arthur and Gwaine.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Gaius was waiting for him at the counter when Merlin turned up to work after having a week off sick. He looked concerned, his brows furrowed and his face lined.   
  
Merlin bit his lip in resignation, because someone must have told him what happened. “Morgana called you, then?”   
  
Gaius shook his head. “No, uh, a man came in to the store earlier.”   
  
Merlin didn’t look Gaius in the eyes as he put his bag down behind the counter, trying not to show any expression on his face.   
  
 _It could be any man, don’t get your hopes up._  
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“Yes,” Gaius paused. “He gave me this."  
  
When Merlin looked up, Gaius was holding the velvet engagement ring box in his hand. Merlin’s eyes watered because he hadn’t been expecting to see it again, after he threw it at Arthur.  
  
“What did this man look like?”   
  
He took the box and opened it, his fingers tracing over the diamonds gently.   
  
“He had long, dark hair. Dark eyes. Very scruffy.”  
  
Merlin closed the box and placed it in his pocket. Did Arthur know Gwaine was going to return the ring? Did Arthur ask him to? Did Gwaine  _want_ to?  
  
“Did he say anything?” Merlin asked.  
  
“He just said to take care of yourself, Merlin.”   
  
The ring burned in his pocket as Merlin’s hands shook, and he brought them up to press the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears.   
  
Merlin couldn’t help but think that this was all a goodbye.  
  
“Are you all right?” Gaius asked, gently.  
  
Merlin tried to stifle a sob, and shook his head. Gaius’s grip tightened.  
  
“Gwen rang as well,” Gaius said softly. “She wanted to know about the ring, if I knew about it. I told her I did.”   
  
Merlin wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Were…. were they angry?” he asked hesitantly, his voice shaky.  Because even though he was  _furious_ at Morgana and Gwen, furious and angry and hurt, he still loved them.   
  
“No Merlin,” Gaius said, his voice quiet and sombre. “They were heartbroken for you.”   
  
Merlin’s took a deep breath, shaky, because that was almost worse.   
  
“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered.  
  
Gaius didn’t answer, and Merlin lent into him and let himself cry.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Merlin spent the next week in a daze, ignoring calls from Morgana and Gwen. A small part of him wished that they were from Arthur and Gwaine instead, and that made him ache with loneliness, knowing that they were out there, living together and loving each other.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
A knock on the door disturbed Merlin from cooking dinner, and he washed his hands before leaving the chicken stew on the stove.   
  
Merlin rubbed his eyes tiredly, and opened the door, looking back into the kitchen to make sure nothing was burning.   
  
“Even if the security door is open, I’ve told you a million times that I’m not interested.”    
  
Someone snorted and Merlin turned around, his eyes widening in shock.   
  
“ _Mum?_ ”   
  
Hunith looked the same as Merlin always remembered her – the same as she had looked since he was a child. It always reassured him, looking at her unchanged face. She had the same blue eyes as Merlin, her hair long and dark, held back with a material headband. Merlin had grown taller than her early in his teenage years, but she could still manage to wrap him up in her arms.   
  
Merlin rushed forward and squeezed his mother tight, and Hunith let out a laugh, reaching up to pull his face down and kiss his cheek.   
  
“Oi, are you forgetting about me?”  
  
Merlin laughed then, releasing his mother and going to greet Will. He paused first, studying his face.   
  
“Are we okay?” Will asked, looking unsure.   
  
Will’s light hair was flopping into his face, and he hadn’t shaved at all, and there was something so reassuring about him that Merlin couldn’t be angry anymore, didn’t have the energy.   
  
“Yeah,” Merlin said.  
  
He pulled Will into a rough hug, and Will clapped his back, clearing his throat as Merlin pressed his face into Will’s neck, his tears dampening Will’s neck and shoulder.  
  
“Hey, hey mate. You’re alright.”   
  
His mother took Merlin’s arm, and gently led him back into the apartment, rubbing his back and sitting Merlin down on the couch.  
  
“What are you cooking?” Will asked, poking his nose into the kitchen.   
  
Merlin sniffed, going to wipe his nose on his sleeve before his mother tutted, handing him a tissue.   
  
“Chicken stew,” Merlin replied. “Gwen taught me.”   
  
“Good woman, good woman.”   
  
Merlin let out an involuntary sob, feeling like an idiot, and his mother shushed him.   
  
“What are you even  _doing_ here?” Merlin asked.   
  
Hunith pulled Merlin closer to her, kissing his temple. “Morgana called me and told me what had happened. I’d finally saved up enough money to get here and so had Will. So here we are. ”   
  
Merlin bit his lip, trying to rein in his anger at Morgana and the strange gratefulness that also bloomed in his chest. “So you know…?”   
  
“About Gwaine and Arthur?” Hunith laughed. “Merlin I knew about them before anyone told me. Well, not specifically them, but I knew there was  _someone_.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered. “For not… talking about it.”   
  
“No, you don’t have to apologise. It’s your life. But… Morgana told me that you weren’t talking to anyone, and that… maybe you felt alone, and betrayed and, love, I don’t ever want you to feel alone, not when I’m just a plane trip away.”   
  
Merlin wiped away the tears on his cheeks. “I just… everything’s so screwed up.”  
  
Hunith smiled slightly, pushing Merlin’s hair back off his forehead. “I think, maybe, it’s time for you to take charge of your life, my love. You know what you want, Merlin. I’m not going to tell you what to do.”  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Part of Merlin felt like he was hiding away, with his Mum and Will here, but another part of him knew that he  _needed_ it, because he felt so close to breaking, to falling back into those dark months after Freya had died, to becoming numb again. And he couldn’t waste the hard work Morgana and Gwen had put in, the hard work  _he_ had put in, to get to where he was, to rebuild his life.   
  
So when Will and Hunith said that they were staying for the week, Merlin was obscenely grateful.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Merlin dreamed again, that night. Freya was lying next to him, her lashes fluttering against her cheekbones, and she reached up to trace a finger down Merlin’s nose, across his cheeks.   
  
And then Arthur and Gwaine were there, in the room with them, but Merlin didn’t look away from Freya. “Merlin...” she said, looking past him at the two men.  
  
Merlin kissed her fingertips, sucking her index finger into his mouth, and she giggled, her eyes snapping back to him.   
  
“Look at them,” she urged.    
  
He stared at her, at how her arm curled under her pillow and her eyes shone. She looked so alive.   
  
“But I want you.”   
  
Freya smiled at him, gently, and he could hear the two men shuffling behind him impatiently. “But I’m not here, Merlin.”   
  
Merlin grasped her hand then, tightly, but Freya pulled it free and shuffled closer. She kissed his temple, his forehead, and then his lips, gently. She was transparent, disappearing, lost, and Merlin reached out for her, unsure if this was a dream or if she was here, in this bed,  _alive_.  
  
And then the two men wrapped their arms around him, their hands splayed, and Merlin gasped, sitting up alone in his bed, the memory of Freya’s lips on his.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Hunith wrapped a blanket around Merlin’s shoulders and handed him a cup of tea as she sat down next to him. He smiled gratefully at her.   
  
She took a sip of her own tea, and put it on the coffee table in front of her.   
  
“Do Morgana and Gwen keep calling?” Hunith asked quietly.   
  
“Yeah,” Merlin sighed, looking away from his mother’s kind eyes. “I should probably answer but... I just can’t forget that they  _betrayed_  me. Why should I forgive them?”   
  
Merlin took a quick sip of his tea, then placed it on the table. Hunith angled her body towards Merlin, and he looked into her face, at the truth he knew he would find there. Her quiet voice, her eyes and her  _love_ could always draw out the truth from him, even without meaning to.   
  
“They hurt you,” she said. “And they interfered in your relationship, something they should have known better than to do. You have every right to be angry.”  
  
Merlin nodded, looking away.   
  
“I’m… I’m just tired of being angry.”   
  
Hunith pulled Merlin close, and he tucked his head under her chin, feeling her chest rise and fall with her steady breaths.   
  
“At Morgana and Gwen? Or more than that?” She asked.   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. “At… all of them. At Morgana and Gwen because they… they told Arthur and Gwaine things that they could use against me, and… and Freya, because she’s not here, and I’m so goddamn angry at Arthur and Gwaine because they… they hurt me.”   
  
Hunith stroked Merlin’s hair gently, and he sighed.   
  
“I… I did pull away from them, I know that. But… I was so afraid of what I was getting in to. I just… I wasn’t ready.”   
  
She said nothing, clutching him tighter to her.   
  
Merlin closed his eyes and took a deep breath, frustrated. “Or maybe I was! I don’t know anymore. I don’t know whether I’m afraid because I’m not ready or afraid because I  _am_. Because being ready means moving on, and I just... I’m so afraid of losing Freya.”   
  
Hunith cupped his cheek then, lifting his head to look in his eyes. “Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, Merlin. It doesn’t mean that you have to ever  _forget_ the love you held for Freya. It just means that you make peace with it. That… that you accept it and don’t allow it to hold you back anymore.”  
  
“Arthur said horrible things about her,” Merlin confessed. “That I wasn’t happy with her, that they were  _better_.”  
  
“Does Arthur do things like that often?”   
  
“No!” Merlin said earnestly, sitting up to look at his mother. “He... he lets his anger get the better of his sometimes, and what he said was wrong of him... he knows that. He  _has_  to know that.” Merlin closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “He has his faults too, I suppose. He has his jealousies, and his anger, and Gwaine has the same things too. Relationships are  _hard._ Really hard. He can’t have meant it, not really. But it still made me angry. _”_  
  
Hunith clasped Merlin’s hands. “I can’t bear the thought of you being unhappy, Merlin, and if they make you happy most of the time, even with all the complications and doubts and fear... maybe you should hold onto them, and not let go.”   
  
“I was going to propose to Freya,” he said then.  
  
Hunith looked at him sadly. Not with pity, but with all the sadness that Merlin knew existed inside him – sadness at all the wasted potential, at his and Freya’s lost future. And maybe his Mum could see all that Merlin saw – a different future laid out in front of him, with Freya and little fey dark-haired children and a happy life.  
  
“I know,” she said quietly. “And me and your father... we were going to be together forever. A proper family - you, me and Balinor. But life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to, my love. But I think we did alright anyway. We were happy, and we loved each other, and I think that’s all that matters.”  
  
Merlin nodded, looking down at their clasped hands.  
  
“I know what I want to do,” he said softly. He felt a bit like he was five years old again, crawling into his mother’s lap because he was afraid of the dark, crying out at the monsters in his cupboard. “I know what I have to do, but it scares me to death.”  
  
Hunith pulled him in for a hug then, and Merlin breathed in the scent of  _home. “_ I have faith in you Merlin,” she said. “And I trust you to make smart decisions because no one can tell you how you feel and what you should do - not me, not Gwen or Morgana or anyone. You’re a good person, an incredibly good person. And I know that you’re going to have a fulfilling and happy life, my love, whatever you choose to do.”   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Later, when the stars were out, Merlin sat up on the roof thinking about what his mother had said.   
  
It was what he’d known all along – what his dreams had been telling him, what his heart had been telling him. That fear… fear of the future, fear of losing Freya, shouldn’t hold him back.  
  
And it was time, he thought, to let go of the future he wished he could have had with Freya, because that was nothing but an illusion, nothing but a fantasy. Because Arthur, Merlin and Gwaine, maybe they had a future together, and maybe they didn’t, but that was all right.   
  
Merlin couldn’t let it go until he  _tried_ , though.  
  
Will joined him then, stretching out on a chair and looking up at the stars. Merlin looked over at him and saw how much older Will had gotten, and he wondered if Will was thinking the same thing – that they were no longer the children who’d climbed trees and broken bones and kissed because they were bored and wanted to know what each other tasted like.   
  
Merlin reached out a hand, and Will laughed, taking it, swinging their joined hands between them.   
  
“Do you love them?” Will asked.   
  
And Merlin knew that this was the question he’d been too scared to confront, the one that caused him to push everyone away, the one that he thought he wasn’t ready for.   
  
But now he was, and he could look at the question and answer it with his whole heart, because he knew the truth and he wasn’t afraid of it.   
  
“Yeah,” he said. “I do.”   
  
Will smiled.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Hunith and Will left a few days later, and Merlin kissed them goodbye at the airport and promised to call them more often.   
  
Hunith had touched Merlin’s cheek, smiling. “You look better already.”  
  
Merlin laughed. “Maybe its time I took charge of my life Mum,” he said with a grin.   
  
She rolled her eyes. “Hey, that was good advice! And I stand by it.”   
  
Merlin wrapped her into a hug. “I’ll miss you, yeah?”   
  
She nodded. “I love you. Be happy okay?”   
  
Merlin smiled. “I love you too. And I will. I promise.”   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Merlin stepped into the bakery, feeling awkward. There was a customer at the counter and Gwen hadn’t spotted him yet, too busy helping them decide whether they wanted blue iced cupcakes or purple.   
  
Merlin sat down at a table.   
  
“I’ll be with you in a minute!” Gwen yelled, not looking over at him.   
  
Merlin smiled, wringing his hands together nervously.   
  
The customers soon left, and Gwen finally noticed who was sitting in the bakery. Her hand flew up to her mouth as she gasped, looking at him with tears in her eyes. Merlin felt guilt twist in his stomach.   
  
“Missed you, Gwen,” he murmured, standing up slowly.   
  
Gwen ran at him, throwing her arms around him and sobbing into his neck. Merlin squeezed her tighter, smiling at the familiar smell of her shampoo. He smoothed a hand down her hair, kissing the top of her head.  
  
“Hey now,” he said. “It’s only been a few weeks.”   
  
“I’m  _so_   _sorry,_  Merlin.”   
  
Merlin pulled away from her, and held her face between his hands, wiping the tears off of her cheeks.   
  
“You were right Gwen,” he murmured. She looked confused and he smiled at her gently. “I  _do_ love them.”   
  
Gwen smiled shakily in return. “Do you forgive me?” She asked. “I… I shouldn’t have told them about the conversation we had. It was none of my business, and I butted in where I wasn’t meant to and...”   
  
“It’s okay,” he said, looking away. “I was angry. I was  _really_ angry. But I guess… there’s more important things than grudges. Things like friendship, and love, and family.”    
  
Gwen launched herself at him again, hugging him fiercely. Merlin laughed into her hair.   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
“Don’t be nervous,” Gwen said. “She… she feels so guilty, all the time. I think she feels like she chose sides. And that she chose Arthur’s side.”   
  
Merlin bit his lip as Gwen put the key into the door.   
  
“Morgana!” Gwen called out. “We’re home.”   
  
He heard a shuffling in the kitchen.  
  
“Yeah?” He heard Morgana say back, her voice slightly rough. “Who’s we?”   
  
There was a long silence then, the sound of Morgana puttering around the kitchen stilling completely.   
  
And then there were thunderous footsteps, and Morgana’s hair was streaming behind as she rushed towards him, and Merlin smiled.   
  
But Morgana’s hands came up, and she pushed Merlin and very suddenly started hitting his chest. Merlin flinched back in surprise.   
  
“Don’t you  _ever_ ignore my calls again!” she screamed. “I’ve been through that shit once, and… I can’t do it again Merlin, I can’t!”   
  
And her hits slowly died off, tears running down her cheeks, and Merlin pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her torso.   
  
“I’m  _sorry_ Merlin… I fucked everything up. I  _ruined_ your lives!”   
  
Merlin let out a laugh then, mostly in surprise at Morgana’s dramatics.   
  
“Morgana, you didn’t  _ruin_ my life. You told Arthur about a flaw of mine, and you were right, I  _do_ push people away sometimes. I  _did_ push everyone away after Freya died. And you shouldn’t have gotten involved but… that’s okay,” Merlin said. “I love you, you big idiot.”   
  
Morgana drew away from him, sniffling and wiping her nose on her sleeve. “You don’t understand,” she said, looking frightened.   
  
“What don’t I understand?” Merlin could see Gwen also frowning in confusion next to him.   
  
“They broke up!” Morgana burst out with. “Arthur and Gwaine broke up, and now Arthur’s moving back  _home. T_ o  _Uther_!”  
  
Merlin stepped back in shock, feeling his heart race, his fists clench.   
  
“ _What?”_ Merlin and Gwen said at the same time.   
  
Morgana was crying again, and Gwen stepped forward to wrap an arm around her.   
  
“Arthur… he called and told me. Said that Uther offered him a position again. He’s leaving next week!”   
  
“I… I don’t understand.”   
  
Merlin’s chest ached, because this  _wasn’t how it was supposed to be_.   
  
“They didn’t work without you Merlin, don’t you see? They don’t work without you.”   
  
Merlin took a deep breath, trying to calm his panic, trying to think clearly and rationally.  
  
“Okay,” he said, closing his eyes. The thought of never going after Arthur or Gwaine didn’t even occur to him, because he knew, he just  _knew_ that they had a real chance at happiness. And Merlin had been partly to blame for this – Merlin for pulling away, Merlin for not trusting them, and now… now he was going to take a chance. “Okay. Then I guess it’s up to me to put us back together.” 


	8. PART EIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

There was nothing that could be done that night, so Merlin sat in front of the telly with Morgana and Gwen, and they stayed close to him, the three of them taking comfort in each other  
  
"Were... were you really going to propse to Freya?" Morgana asked quietly after Gwen was asleep.   
  
“Yeah,” Merlin replied.   
  
Morgana sniffled, leaning her head on Merlin’s shoulder.   
  
“Why didn’t you tell us?”   
  
“Because I… I just didn’t think about it, for ages. I blocked it out, because it hurt too much. And because it felt private, personal, and that you wouldn’t understand. And because I felt stupid. I was out buying a ring, telling  _Gaius_ about the ring, while Freya was…” he trailed off, biting his lip.   
  
“God, Merlin,” Morgana breathed. “I just… I am  _so sorry_ , about all of it. About everything.”   
  
Merlin nodded, and pulled her closer. “I am too.”   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
 _Freya’s hands were closed around Merlin’s, and she smiled up at him._  
  
 _“I love you, okay?” she said. “And don’t ever forget that.”_  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
The phone rang three times before Mel picked up, and Merlin drew in a breath, surprise that she wasn’t asleep.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
Merlin took a breath. “Hi…” he stuttered.   
  
“Is that you, Merlin?”   
  
He nodded, before realising that Freya’s mother couldn’t see him. “Yeah, it’s me.”   
  
Her voice immediately dropped into a comforting one, motherly. “Are you okay, my love?”  
  
Merlin bit his lip. “I know it’s late, I’m sorry. I just… I rang because I, uh, I wanted your blessing.”   
  
There was a long silence. “For what?”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. “For… for being in love, again, I suppose.”   
  
“Oh, Merlin.”   
  
“Do you think Freya would mind?” Even Merlin could hear the desperation in his voice, the vulnerability.   
  
Mel sighed. “I think… I think that Freya would be happy for you. And I think that you don’t need my blessing Merlin, because you know what’s in your heart and you know that I love and support you. And you know that I already approve of Arthur and Gwaine.”   
  
“Yeah…” Merlin said, quiet.   
  
“Is that what had you so worried?”   
  
“I just… I wanted to make sure.”   
  
“You have nothing to fear from me, okay?  
  
Merlin nodded to himself. “I know that now.”  
  
“Go to sleep now my love, okay?”  
  
Merlin smiled gently, and said his goodbyes, feeling peaceful, feeling ready.  
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Merlin brushed a hand threw his hair and bit his lip nervously.   
  
It had taken him a while to find Gwaine, because he’d finished up the singing job, and he didn’t live with Arthur anymore. Eventually Merlin had traced him back to a pub on the other side of the city that offered accommodation upstairs.   
  
And last night he’d watched, sitting on the other side of the dark, dank pub, as Gwaine threw back drink after drink, and was eventually led upstairs by a blonde man whose pants were too tight and whose lips were attached to Gwaine’s neck.  
  
Merlin went home and cried, but now he was back, standing at the door of Gwaine’s temporary residency, ready to  _fight._ Fight for this relationship, fight for this to work, fight because Merlin wanted happiness, for Gwaine, for Arthur, and for himself.   
  
He took a deep breath and pushed open the door.  
  
Gwaine was tangled up in his sheets, sweaty and naked, another man pressed against his back. Gwaine’s hair was short – as short as Merlin’s, and it made Merlin’s breath catch.  
  
He remembered Arthur’s words, what felt like an age ago. ‘ _He’d confessed to me, when we first met, that he used to sleep around and drink a lot. I threw that into his face all the time, relentless, even though I knew he’d changed since then.’_  
  
And it looked like without Arthur, without  _Merlin_ , Gwaine had fallen right back into that lifestyle.  
  
A small part of Merlin, a very small part, thought  _what if he wants it this way? What if he doesn’t love you? What if he’d rather_ this? Merlin squared his shoulders, and reached out to shake the shoulder of the blonde man.   
  
“Mate, wake up,” Merlin said.  
  
The blonde man groggily sat up, and even though his hair was the same shade as Arthur’s, Merlin could see features similar to his own – big ears, sloped cheekbones.   
  
“Whadda’y’want?” the man slurred.   
  
“It’s time to go home,” Merlin said, his arms crossed. The man shrugged, standing up. Merlin looked away from his naked body as the man put on his pants and t-shirt.   
  
Gwaine rolled over in bed as the man let himself out, and groaned.   
  
He opened his eyes slowly. “Who’s’at?  _Merlin_?”   
  
Gwaine tried to sit up then, and Merlin could almost see his face turn green, the way his stomach rolled. Merlin jumped out of the way and grabbed a bucket from the bathroom, shoving it under Gwaine’s chin as he shuffled to sit on the edge of the bed. Merlin made it just in time, and Gwaine clutched the bucket to him, throwing up noisily.    
  
Merlin sat next to him on the bed, rubbing his back as Gwaine sobbed, wiping his mouth and spitting into the bucket.   
  
“Are you done?” he asked.   
  
Gwaine nodded.   
  
Merlin spied a bottle of water on the nightstand, and he unscrewed the cap, handing it to Gwaine and prying the bucket out of his hands.    
  
“Here you go,” he said gently.   
  
He went back into the bathroom, leaving the bucket in the shower because he couldn’t bring himself to clean it, no matter how much he loved the man. He searched through the cupboard and found some aspirin. Merlin handed it to Gwaine.   
  
“Take these.”   
  
Gwaine swallowed them down obediently.   
  
“I don’t… I don’t understand,” Gwaine murmured, his voice sounding choked. His shoulders were tight, square, the muscle rigid. He wouldn’t look at Merlin, even as Merlin sat down again and slid his hand up the bumpy line of Gwaine’s spine to rest between his shoulder blades.  
  
“Your hair’s short,” he said instead.  
  
“It was getting in the way.”  
  
Merlin lent forward to try and catch Gwaine’s eyes, but he turned his head away. Merlin gently grabbed his chin and forced Gwaine to look at him. His eyes were red and bloodshot, from both his hangover and the tears that still lingered in his eyes.  
  
“I decided that I’m not going to give up on us,” Merlin said.  
  
Gwaine looked confused, so Merlin continued.   
  
“I decided that… that I’m going to take a chance on happiness, a chance on  _you.”_  
  
“Look at me!” Gwaine spat. “I’m a mess.”   
  
“You’ve fallen apart, we all have! But I’ve decided to put us back together.”   
  
Gwaine hung his head, and Merlin brushed his fingers along the nape of his neck, through his short hair.   
  
“I love you,” Merlin said.   
  
“What about all the things you said? About… about Freya, about the future? You think I can just forget that?”   
  
Merlin shook his head. “Of course not. And I can’t forget it either. And maybe I’ll pull away again, and maybe I’ll get scared, and maybe I’ll forget about the future I have  _here_ with you and Arthur, but I’m trusting you to remind me, okay? I’m trusting  _you._ ”  
  
Gwaine leant forward then, pressing his face against Merlin’s neck. Merlin rested his chin on the top of Gwaine’s head.   
  
“Arthur doesn’t… he doesn’t want me, anymore,” Gwaine’s voice was small, and it hurt Merlin because he’d played a part in this, and because Gwaine wasn’t this person – Gwaine was cocky, and sure, and confident and this frightened, vulnerable person scared Merlin. But Merlin had to be strong, for all of them.   
  
“He loves you Gwaine,” Merlin said softly. “You know that. We messed this up big time, and he took it out on you. But we all balance each other, remember? I think we just have to show Arthur that we love him. I think that’s all he wants.”   
  
“I don’t know if I can do this,” Gwaine admitted, lifting his head and looking Merlin in the eyes. He was sweaty, naked, and hung over but Merlin still thought he was beautiful. The hurt in his eyes… the fear, it reminded Merlin so much of his own, and he wondered what Arthur had said to put it there, if Arthur had thrown everything into Gwaine’s face like last time. And Merlin wondered which part of that hurt was Merlin’s fault, because he’d been part of this, too; he’d thrown out the words ‘I don’t want you’ carelessly as well.   
  
“Take a chance.” Merlin grabbed Gwaine’s face with two hands. “For us, take a chance for us.”   
  
Gwaine nodded, and Merlin sighed in relief.   
  
“Okay,” he murmured. “Now… lets go home.”  
  
Gwaine nodded, grabbing his clothes and throwing them on as Merlin gathered all of Gwaine’s belongings.   
  
Gwaine turned to him at the doorframe before they left, hesitant and nervous. Merlin smiled reassuringly at him, nudging him out the door, and Gwaine laughed.   
  
“I think,” Gwaine said, a lightness in his voice that hadn’t been there throughout the whole conversation, “that you are supposed to kiss me, in a situation like this. That’s always what happened in the movies.”   
  
Merlin shook his head. “If you think I’m kissing that mouth before you’ve scrubbed your teeth at least three times as well as showering, you’re delusional.”   
  
Gwaine pressed closer to him.  
  
“Oh, and Merlin?” he said. Merlin looked at him, at the redness in his brown eyes and the hickey on his neck and the shake in his hands. “I love you too.”   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
The air was chilly as Merlin and Gwaine hurried down the street two days later. Merlin breathed in the scent of Gwaine’s cologne and smiled nervously, reaching out and taking his hand as they walked to Arthur’s apartment.  
  
“It’s going to be fine,” Merlin said, half to himself and half to Gwaine.   
  
Gwaine bit his lip. “What if he doesn’t want us?”  
  
Merlin closed his eyes. “He will.”   
  
He had to believe it, for himself and Gwaine.   
  
“At least we don’t have to chase after him in the airport,” Gwaine said. “That’s a bit too Ross and Rachel for me.”   
  
Merlin frowned at him, and Gwaine shrugged.  
  
“Look on the bright side. If all goes well, at least I can sell our story to a foreign production company. They would eat this up.” He paused. “Though, foreign films tend to prefer the tragic endings…”   
  
Merlin closed his eyes. “Don’t, Gwaine.”   
  
Gwaine clasped his hand tighter, his palm sweaty.   
  
“It’s going to be fine.”  
  
Merlin nodded and took a deep breath as they reached the security door to Arthur’s apartment.   
  
“Go on,” Gwaine urged, nudging him towards the intercom.  
  
“Why do I have to do it?”   
  
“Because.”   
  
“That’s your argument?  _Because?_ ”   
  
“Merlin!”  
  
“Fine.”   
  
Merlin bit his lip, wiping his palms on the fabric of his pants.  _Don’t screw this up. Don’t you dare screw this up._  
  
He buzzed the intercom.   
  
There was a long silence, and Merlin and Gwaine held their breaths.   
  
“Hello?” Arthur’s voice sounded tired, even through the static-y sound.   
  
“Arthur? It’s… it’s Merlin and Gwaine. Please, we want to talk to you.  _Please._ ”   
  
There was silence again, and then what sounded like a stuttering intake of breath. The door clicked unlocked, and Merlin pushed it open. 

 

They climbed the flight of stairs slowly to the front door of the apartment.   
  
It was open when they arrived, and Merlin and Gwaine peeked their heads in.   
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Come in,” Arthur said, and this time the exhaustion was clear in his voice.   
  
Merlin and Gwaine wandered in hesitantly, and Merlin bit his lip when he saw how  _empty_ the place looked, all the personal belongings packed away. Arthur’s bags sat in the hallway, waiting, and Merlin’s stomach dropped.   
  
“It’s…” Gwaine murmured, before stopping himself. He was looking around too.  
  
“Yeah,” Merlin whispered.   
  
Arthur was sitting at the dining table as they walked in, his head bowed over a cup of tea. His hair was dishevelled, his jaw rough and full of stubble.   
  
“I didn’t think you’d come to say goodbye,” he murmured, not looking at them.   
  
Merlin took a deep breath, knowing everything he wanted to say, knowing it so clearly that he wanted to shout it.   
  
“I’m not here to say goodbye,” he said resolutely instead.   
  
Gwaine shuffled in the spot next to him, ready.   
  
“Then what are you here for?” Arthur asked, still not looking up. “To tell me that the two of you have gotten together without me? Well great, I’m  _ecstatic_  for you.”   
  
“Shut up for once in your life and  _listen_ to what we’re trying to say Arthur,” Gwaine yelled.   
  
And that got Arthur to look up, confusion, and hurt, and fear, and anger all warring on his face. He looked tired, so tired, and Merlin wanted nothing but to hold him for a little while, and assure himself that they were all alright.   
  
“I’m here,” Merlin said instead, standing taller, “to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m here to say that I  _want you,_ Arthur, that I lied. I’m here to say that I think you lied too, when you told Gwaine you didn’t want him. I’m here to ask you not to go to Uther. I’m here to take a chance, a leap of faith, and to ask you to do the same. I’m here to tell you that I love you. I’m here, hoping that you’ll say you love us too.”   
  
Gwaine looked slightly impressed at Merlin’s speech, and Arthur clenched his jaw, brushing a hand through his hair and looking away. Merlin caught the sheen of tears in Arthur’s eyes that he didn’t allow to fall, and it left a lump in Merlin’s throat.  
  
“This doesn’t change anything,” Arthur said. “This doesn’t change what you said about Freya, what  _I_ said. This... this doesn’t make anything certain.”  
  
“No,” Merlin agreed. “But nothing is certain, is it? And this, what I’m saying right now, this is me asking you to try anyway. ”  
  
“We’re choosing to trust you,” Gwaine interjected, his voice low and choked. “ _I’m_ choosing to trust you. Trust you to stop me when I want to drink too much, to hold me back sometimes. And you have to trust me to tell you to pull your head out of your ass, to stop… to stop saying things you don’t mean. And Merlin… Merlin has to trust us to love him, to support him, to create a future with him.”  
  
“What I said about Freya still stands, and sometimes I want that future with her  _desperately,_  even though it’s not real. And I’ll always love her,  _always_ , and I hope that you can live with that. But it’s time to move on, Arthur. It’s time to start anew. And I want to do that with you, with both of you, more than anything.”   
  
Merlin was crying now, and Arthur stood up, hesitantly.   
  
“It’s a big decision,” he said. “And I’m going to be an idiot a lot of the time, and you’re going to be a prat, and Gwaine’s going to be a… a dollop head, and why should I risk it?”  
  
Gwaine stepped forward and reached out to Arthur, not touching him but close, and Merlin could nearly see all the years between them, the intimacy they’d acquired.   
  
“Because you love us.”  
  
And Arthur threw his hands up in the air. “That’s not a solution to everything Gwaine! It’s not!”   
  
And then Merlin stepped forward, knowing where he belonged, with these two men, balancing the three of them together, precarious but growing stronger.  
  
“No,” Merlin said. “But it’s a start.”   
  
                                                            *                                            *                                          *  
  
Falling in love with Freya had been simple, and had been exactly that –  _falling._ That didn’t mean it was a bad thing, that they had found each other so quickly and had fallen so easily.   
  
No, it had been the opposite, because being in love with Freya had been beautiful, and scary and passionate; sometimes loud and sometimes soft and always,  _always_ , Merlin knew that Freya loved him and he loved her.   
  
It hadn’t been enough, of course, and Freya had died alone because depression...  _her_ depression, it had been out of their control. And for a while, Merlin had died slowly with her.   
  
Loving Arthur and Gwaine… that had been a climb. And sometimes Merlin stumbled and fell and rolled right back down to the bottom of the hill. And sometimes he covered his eyes because he was afraid of the heights, but he knew he had to reach the top because it would be worth it.   
  
It would definitely be worth it.   
  
That night, as the three of them came together in a violent flurry of kisses and bites, pinches and licks, thrusting and stroking, Merlin knew that everything he’d gone through, everything that had happened, had brought him to this moment – to this future.  
  
And Merlin decided he would enjoy it. 

 

[](http://sareisle.livejournal.com/5813.html)

 


	9. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Minor Character Death (Suicide), Mental Illness (Depression, Bipolar) and Discussions of Mental Illness, Brief Non-Con Kissing/Touching (Merlin/OC), Sex Scenes

“No, I said the  _chives_  Gwaine, god you’re hopeless.”   
  
“They all look the damn same! How was I supposed to know?”   
  
“Here, this one,” Merlin interjected, handing Gwaine the correct herb.    
  
“See! Even an idiot like Merlin knows the difference between chives and mint!”   
  
Merlin shook his head as Gwaine handed the chives to Arthur, laughing to himself.    
  
Gwaine turned around with a cross look on his face but it melted when he saw Merlin’s smile. He wrapped an arm around Merlin’s waist and pulled him closer, bringing him in for a kiss.    
  
Merlin laughed and gasped, opening his mouth slightly as Gwaine sucked on his bottom lip.    
  
“Oi!” Arthur yelled. “Morgana and Gwen are going to be here in twenty minutes, and I swear to god if I hear her comment one more time about the inability of three grown men to look after a house and cook for themselves I will kill her.”    
  
Merlin laughed, stumbling forward and pressing a kiss to the back of Arthur’s neck, then another one to the side.   
  
Arthur groaned, leaning into the touch. “Not funny, Merlin.”    
  
Merlin bit his earlobe. “It won’t be funny later, either, when I start kissing lower, around your nipples? And then I’ll go lower, my tongue trailing down your stomach, around your navel. Then,  _then,_ I’ll bite slightly at the dip of your hipbones. And the insides of your thighs, maybe? Of course, at the end of all this, I’d take you in my mouth...”    
  
“Twenty minutes!” Gwaine helpfully chimed.    
  
Merlin’s hand trailed down Arthur’s back, cupping his backside, and Arthur groaned again. Merlin laughed and pulled away, leaving Arthur to grumble over his cooking.   
  
Morgana and Gwen arrived soon after, throwing off their coats and kissing Merlin on the cheek enthusiastically.    
  
“Hey!” Gwaine said indignantly, then waggled his eyebrows as both Morgana and Gwen leant in and gave him a kiss.    
  
When they were all seated at the table, Arthur reluctantly getting a hug and a kiss from the two women as well, Morgana smiled up at them, her eyes bright.    
  
“So, how’s the week been?” she asked.    
  
Merlin tucked into dinner, smiling as Gwaine gave Arthur a thumbs up and dug into his food with more vigour. Gwen giggled at the exchange and Arthur rolled his eyes.    
  
“Good,” Arthur muttered, swallowing his food. “Found a job, the complete opposite of Uther’s company. Really small family-owned law firm down on West St. The couple that owns it is quite old, but really nice.” Arthur looked down then, a small, pleased smile on his face.    
  
They passed through dinner quickly, wine flowing and the conversation floating along easily, carelessly.    
  
“I’m taking Arthur and Gwaine to meet Mum and Will next month,” Merlin added.    
  
Arthur ran his foot up Merlin’s ankle, and Merlin smiled down into his plate as Gwaine put a hand on his knee, squeezing.   
  
Morgana smiled, pleased, and Merlin couldn’t help but grin broadly. Everyone at the table laughed at that.    
  
Later, after they had all drunk and eaten their fill, the five of them settled down on the couch and watched Doctor Who reruns. Arthur, Gwaine and Merlin curled up on the couch together, Merlin resting his head in Arthur’s lap and his feet in Gwaine’s, while Morgana and Gwen shared the armchair.    
  
Merlin watched as Morgana pressed a kiss into Gwen’s arm, and smiled up at her. Gwen leant down and kissed Morgana on the lips, both of them smiling as they pulled away.    
  
Arthur groaned quietly above him. “The love in the room makes me want to throw up,” he muttered.    
  
Merlin laughed, looking up at Arthur from under his eyelashes. He saw Arthur swallow, and Merlin pressed a kiss to his stomach, feeling the muscles clench beneath the fabric. Gwaine’s hand rubbed up and down Merlin’s leg, from knee to ankle, and Merlin bit his lip.   
  
He sank further down and closed his eyes, nuzzling his nose into Arthur’s hip, and Arthur brushed his fingers across Merlin’s temple, massaging.   
  
“Greedy,” Arthur said with a smile, continuing the massage.    
  
“S’nice,” Merlin said.    
  
Arthur kept massaging, and Gwaine kept stroking his leg, and feeling warm and surrounded by the people he called family, Merlin fell asleep.   
  
He dreamed of Freya then. He was standing on their rooftop, and she was lying on her back next to his feet, staring at the stars and whispering to him. “These are all dead, Merlin. They’re all dead, but we still hold the memory of them in our eyes.” She turned to him, serious but  _alive_ , and Merlin had a flash of memory, of ashes in his hand, drifting in the air, in the sea, on the wind.   
  
She smiled then, not at Merlin but at the two men next to him, and Freya stood up, kissing each of them on the cheek before finally looking at Merlin.   
  
“You’re in safe hands,” she said.    
  
Merlin nodded, smiling at her - at how free she looked, at the night sky that rested in her eyes, and the waves of her body, and the twisting city alleyways that made up all her beautiful complexities.    
  
The two men took his hands, and Freya traced a finger down his face, gently, lovingly, and then she was gone. 

  
**END**

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